the latest

Hubs is looking for work. It appears that he does not have enough hours to qualify for EI.

Baby Girl and Hubs and I all are at varying stages of having a cold or reacting to allergies. Baby Girl has a very snotty nose and is sneezing. Hubs is coughing and achey. I have a snotty nose, the sneezes and a sore throat with fever (so I am definitely under the weather).

:(

In other news - Little Man received his green stripe belt in Kung Fu on Saturday and we are very proud of him.

:>

1G1D1Y is on her honeymoon and I miss her.

I have been all over the place emotionally. Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes it feels like the end of the world.

My exercise has decreased and my binging has increased.

I don't know why it can be such a challenge to harness and control my emotions/mood but it's probably because I have a ton of things that I still don't really deal with.

So it's been tough and I haven't been around as much because whenever I feel like my life is going downhill - I tend to try to hide from it, like an ostrich with its head in the sand.

If I can't see it, it can't be happening.

All that being said - I have had some great days. But more of them have felt like days I had to struggle to get through, or days where I'd have rather stayed in my bed and not come out for anyone.

That's the part that's the hardest to deal with.

I don't like being perceived as weak or vulnerable by others. So I have a hard time really sharing how I am feeling. Or I do share it, but I make sure I'm still able to laugh at myself or at the shit life throws at me to make sure that other people don't worry about me.

Also - I haven't shared pics in awhile - I'll have to log in using one of my other email accounts so I can back-date a pics post (because I want this one to be the most recent).

Gotta go to bed

Well it was a decent day.

Did mini-golf with soul sister C and some of her other friends plus her Mom and Aunt.  I was the worst mini-golf player of all the teams.  Oh well.  It was entertaining albeit super sweaty (damn humidity!)

Then it was the pole-dancing class.  I observed and took photos.

Then I was home for awhile before going out to meet everyone for dinner and then drinking and dancing at The Flying Dog.

Does it say something strange about me that I prefer to take myself a step back from group activities like that and feel more comfortable from behind the camera lens?

It's not quite that it creates a barrier or anything, more like it allows me to encapsulate the experience.  The only downfall being that most of my photos of me are usually self-snapped headshots by myself or with one other person.

But it gives me a role and then enables me to be involved or to step more into the role of the observer which I suppose is often more comfortable to me.

I don't know - just thought I'd get the thought down because I often compose blog posts in my head but then I don't want to write them once I get to the com.

G'night!

Confessions of an almost 39-year-old slacker

It's hard for me to commit to things.  I'm easily distracted and I tend to hide out rather than fight when it comes to things in my own life - because I'd rather stand up for someone else before I stand up for myself.

There are a lot of things going on in my head - some stress related to my life and some related to the lives of those I love.

I know that's natural but it's still hard to deal with.  I am hoping that Hubs continues to enjoy and do well at the new job (it's been a week and a bit now) so that we will eventually qualify for benefits because I am thinking it would be good and healthy for me to get back into therapy.

As of now, I am not sure what coverage we'll have  but I believe it's psychologists only that are covered (Hubs borrowed another employee's handbook to peruse for a day because he hasn't received the info on benefits yet).

I've been considering Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - but I'll have to see if I can find someone that our benefits will cover, when that time comes.

This wk I've really made an effort to re-motivate myself and get back on track.




BUT even though I will not hit my 178 lb goal by my 1 year date of July 23rd, I can still make a dent in this and start getting the scale to work with me in the direction that I want.

I drop off the heart monitor on July 4th and I meet with the cardiologist again on July 12th and hopefully they will put my fears to rest so I can get back to the activity level I was doing before without worrying that I'm going drop dead.


Another thought I had was that I think my general life stress was making the chest pain and breathing issues worse because even when the monitor has gone off, it hasn't been as intense as it was before and the only real change since then is that Hubs started his job.

time is wonky re: receiving a phone call

my "getting serious" expression

One of those days

I'm having one of those days where I am reflecting on my past and, more specifically, my interpersonal relationships.

I was thinking about this on the weekend actually. And it all started because I was thinking about weddings.

This is a photo of my wedding party when I married Little Man's father in May 2001. I was 200 lbs which was, at that point in my life, the highest weight I had ever been as I had gained 40 lbs shortly after trying Depo-Provera for birth control.

Now, Husband V1.0 and I are quite obviously a thing of the past. The Maid of Honour was my oldest niece and the Best Man was HV1.0's brother.

Rounding out the bridal party on my side were my ex-best friend (the one who has since been diagnosed bi-polar and has been arrested multiple times for assaulting his on-again-off-again gf/common-law wife as well as assaulting and threatening his own mother and one of my (then) inner circle friends who was also an ex-lover of mine. He and I have not been close pretty much since he became very gung-ho for Primerica.

On HV1.0's side were the (then) fiancee of my ex-best friend (she's been happily married for a few yrs to someone else and is a great Mom as well) and the ex-gf of my Primerica zombified friend (they broke up shortly before the wedding) and she is also quite happily married now to someone else and is working on babies 2 and 3 :>

So it's like the wedding party of failed relationships.

But most of us are much happier now.

• Hubs and I have been together since 2007
• Hv1.0 has been with his fiancee since 2006
• My niece and her hubby (who was her date at the wedding and fairly recent bf at that time) have 2 great kids with 1 on the way in July
• The gorgeous curly-haired one & her hubby (1st bf after my crazy ex-best friend) have a beautiful child
• The equally gorgeous, long-haired one & her hubby, like I mentioned have one lovely child with twins on the way

3 of the members of the wedding party do not seem (from my outsider's perspective) as happy

• ex-BIL has had an on-again-off-again relationship with his wife with whom he has 2 adorable children
• ex-best friend has had some stints in jail, some time (possibly currently for all I know) on probation and some time in the care of mental health professionals (with armed guards according to his mother) and has had sporadic contact with his gorgeous child
• Primerica drone, last I heard, was still single (after many years) and had driven away a number of his other former close friends for a variety of reasons and was having other life difficulties

So what did I learn from this?

Sometimes relationships HAVE to end to get us to a new point, direction, person, SOMETHING in our lives.

Do I mourn my relationship with HV1.0 -- NOPE!

But I do miss the relationship I had with my ex-best friend.  He was there for me so much when Hv1.0 and I split up.

Were there ever any warning signs about him??  YES.  He had a bad temper and once he really verbally abused the gf he had when I first became friends with him.  S-girl and I called him out on it and he was very apologetic.

He had mood swings... very social/hyper and very introverted/depressed -- but we figured it was because of his artistic nature.

Once he got mad at his (then) fiancee and he punched her in the stomach after she'd playfully poked him in the gut.  Hv1.0 and I laid into him about it.  He blamed the instant response as his military training coming out and insisted it was because she'd hurt him first.

Once they split up -- I didn't see that behaviour.  Though he once got into a fight at a PIzza Pizza with a guy the girl he was sleeping with used to date.

Then he ended up getting obsessed with this girl that I just did not like.  She was a vortex of bad vibes and was a self-admitted drug user.  She was also big on "play-fighting" and she'd instigate and instigate and then cry foul when my friend would retaliate. 

At that point, he'd let her do a lot before he's respond.

But the two of them together were just so bad for one another on so many levels.  There was violence and drugs and a hell of a lot of lying.

I have no idea what status their dysfunctional relationship is at now and I don't care.

I do miss the friend that I thought I had.

But I do wonder if he ever really existed or if he just destroyed that part of himself with all his harmful choices?

I know that many people would look at my life... at our financial/employment-related difficulties, at my weight and mental health issues, at Hubs issues with depression and (possibly) Adult ADHD, and with Little Man having autism and Rhyme Girl having ADHD and say - hey it sucks to be them.

To that I say... I have close relationships with people that I love and who love me in return.  Overall, I am happy.

And I think that means a LOT!

Now - after all this -- let me end on a high note...

Super-cute pic I snapped of Baby Girl yesterday:

Giving Advice

I received an email this morning - though I will not reveal the name of the person who sent it...

On 3 June 2011 07:09, *somebody* wrote:

Hi FatAngryBlog,

I visited your blog and saw that you are into dieting/fitness. I think I've reached the lowest point in my life, so I really need your advice....

I've been struggling to lose weight ever since I graduated from college. I've tried diets, exercising, fasting... My problem is that I have literally no motivation and discipline.

I'm ___ years old, and *private information removed*. I feel like such a loser for being undesirable to men, and for gaining so much weight since college... some days, i just ask myself what's the point of it all? Even if I lost all this weight, I'll still look ugly and flabby =(

Do you have any advice you can give me on motivating myself to eat less and exercise more? It's such a vicious cycle.. I'd try and go on a diet, and be discouraged and end up eating junk food to comfort myself...

I hope you can be of some help - I really need it at this point. God Bless~~~~

Take care,
*somebody*

Here's the reply I sent (how do you think I did with it?):

Hi *Somebody*,

You know - it's really hard to say what will really motivate you. For me it was a sense of hitting rock bottom, of feeling like a failure and being worried that I wouldn't end up being alive to be here for my kids as they got older that finally got me into a healthier state of mind.

I know what it's like to have no motivation, discipline and willpower. I really do!

If it's that much of a struggle and you may or may not be sure if you've hit rock bottom where you will make a bunch of changes then I'd suggest trying SMALL, manageable changes.

Like, making sure you eat something on the healthy side within 30 minutes of getting up in the morning to help start your metabolism.

Or reducing your portion sizes at meals (without changing or adjusting what you are eating yet).

Or by increasing your daily activity (even if it's walking) by 5 - 10 minutes each day.

Those are just a few ideas.

Once you stick to a new change or alteration for a week, then work on that one a little more and/or add in a new change.

Does that make sense?

And hey, I'm going to be 39 this year -- so you have a *age revealing info removed* year head start on me ;>

Also - for me -- I CANNOT deny myself the food I like because then I crave it SOOO badly that I will end up purging.

For example -- If I have a craving for chocolate -- I'll have chocolate but instead of a regular sized chocolate bar, I'll share that chocolate bar with Hubs or a friend or the kids so I am only eating 1/3 of what I would have had.

It satisfies the craving without getting out of control.

I hope this helps!

Also - if you have a good relationship with your family DR - that's a plus. And/or if you can afford to consult with a nutritionist and a naturopath -- that can also be helpful.

But before you make any changes -- make sure you consult with a professional. Remember, I'm just a SAHM who still has weight to lose -- so make sure the choices and changes you make are safe and advisable for you.

Have a great day and good luck!

And start a blog (if you haven't already) because it really helps.


Cara-Mae


Then I wrote one more...


Just a P.S.

It might not be that you are unattractive to men... that might be a self-perpetuating reality that you could be creating with your attitude and energy.

Yes, some people (male and female) can be really superficial but all men have a type and maybe the men who would like you aren't getting the chance to meet you because, perhaps, you aren't as social as you could be because of how your weight is adversely impacting upon your self-esteem and self-image.

People always say that people can't love us until we truly love ourselves and that can be a real challenge when we are unhappy with some aspect of our physical self and/or some aspect of our life.

Hope that made sense to you.

cara

???

So, I have always been the type of person who supports and listens and helps when my friends need me.

In the past, part of doing that was a way to try and balance out the fact that there were things in my own life that I couldn't make sense of or control or change and so I thought that if I could help my friends in any way that I could -- I was doing an awesome thing because although I lived through some situations where I had no one during the worst of it, I would do my best to make sure that no one I cared about had to do that.

Did you follow that?

Now - in my past, I would do that even going beyond the point of ignoring aspects and areas of my own life.

It was always easier for me to place the needs of others above my own.

I think one of the things I have learned in my life is how to create some boundaries as well as learning how to address things that concern me.

One of the  biggest things I tend to do in my life is to talk about things.  I think about them.  I analyze them.  I blog about them.

Some things take a very long time for me to put them into the world.

And some things have never seen the light of day.

But, overall, when I look back upon where I was emotionally in my past - I've changed far more than anyone other than myself can realize.

Sometimes I think that the only way that my inner changes will show to the world is through the way that my body looks.

Because it really is all connected.

I do not eat my feelings anymore.  Though I still have the urge to -- but it's controllable now.  And I believe that soon, that urge, that need, that compulsion will leave me.

There are still many things I need to do on this journey of mine.

Still to come (and in no particular order):

• lose more weight
• start writing outside of my blog again
• try new activites
• learn to cook
• clean and organize my house (and then maintain it that way!)
• pay attention to my inner self and respect myself
• learn to "girlify" myself a bit more
• lead by example within my family re: positive change

*Edited to add*

A new beginners belly dance class starts on Monday, Feb 28th... guess who is signing up for 9 weeks?????

That's right - ME!!!!

A bit of an epiphany last night

So I know I've said before in my blog that I felt that part of the reason I gained weight was to protect myself.

However; I thought that with my mindset where it's been and realizing that this is for my healthy and well-being and that because I've been doing so well that it was no longer an issue...

Apparently I was incorrect.  Last night, when I was in bed trying to sleep, I was also fighting off an anxiety attack.  Because I just started thinking about how vulnerable we all are in this world.

I thought about all the things that happened to me when I was a child and then as a teenager and then as an adult and I got really, really scared.

And the worst part of this sort of thinking is that no one else can really and truly understand unless they've been through some similar experiences so I did not talk to Hubs about it.

I just lay there, in the dark, trying to calm my racing mind and slow my thumping heart while some of the things that happened to me replayed in my head.

It sucked.

It more than sucked.

It's bad enough that I've had to live through those sorts of experiences -- I really wish the random re-living of them would just stop.

But it was like two parts of me were at war with each other... part of me, the part that's been enjoying a bit of girlification with S-girl (tanning, discussing eyebrow waxing etc...) was happy about feeling sexier and prettier and HAPPY but the other part of me was thinking things like, "If I get prettier, I get noticed, if I get noticed, that makes me a target, if I'm a target, I'm going get hurt again."

Arrgh!

I know I'm with Hubs and that those certain men of my past who hurt me in so many ways are gone, but I guess the emotional scars still ache and itch and startle me sometimes.

All that being said -- I'm off to the track this morning to try and clear up my headspace and then probably for a tan to help me relax.

I'm not giving up!

Consuming my liquids - a struggle

OK so I was doing really well for awhile with drinking my water and all of that. Then I started to sruggle a bit. The water is less appealing. Especially since it's cold and yucky.

So I started drinking more tea - because tea is warm and comforting and that was fine but what I did not realize was that I was drinking a LOT of caffeniated tea.

Sent Hubs to the grocery store today and now I have some decaf green tea and lemon herbal tea (I make a pot of tea using one bag of each) and I drink the whole pot (4 cups).

I think that now that I've got decaf that I can drink two pots a day (8 cups) and then drink cold water for the rest.

Hopefully this helps me feel back on track.

I am also nervous because back in 2006 when I lost weight, I started to plateau between 208 - 220 lbs and I never broke through to ONEderland.

So, I've been slacking on my EA Sports Active since I've been hitting the track and I really need to work on my daily time-management a bit more.

Today the plan is some time on the elliptical and an EA Sports Active workout.

Wish me luck!

It's been a bit of a month

Yes, I am going to take a reflective look at my month...

January and the year itself started off badly with us in a hotel due to smoke damage in our unit re: a fir next door.

Our contents insurance has a deductible of $1000 so we are out that $1000 - which sucks since Hubs lost his job a month after I had Baby Girl and we are surviving on his EI but if he doesn't have a job by the beginning of May - that is the end of his coverage and I am still at home with Baby Girl and with my anxiety and panic issues - I haven't held down a FT job in YEARS.

I've had some of my friends going through some transformative emotional and physical processes and I've been as supportive as I think I can be.

Nanny is still improving since her stroke, though that has been very stressful for all of us.

I've been dealing with some behavioural issues re: Son and his temper and also his impulse control.

I've been doing well on the Hate-loss challenge as well as getting back on track re: my own weight loss journey since I had that set-back at the beginning of the month.

Last night I got an email re: a group of women I've been friends with since I was pregnant with Baby Girl re: my presence (or lack thereof) in some of the online gathering places of the group and that I apparently do not participate enough for some of the people.

And since I have always participated for about the same amount of time - it seems rather fishy to me, but, frankly - why would I want to continue being a part of a group when some people are going to talk about me behind my back?

Some of the moms on the group are awesome ladies who are still on my FB and that's all good - but I will say that my feelings were still hurt by what happened since I know I've never done anything untoward to any of them - but, it is what it is.

It's left me feeling a bit moody - hence why this is my first non-photo post of the day.

Tonight I have part one of the re-scheduled Non-Violent Crisis Intervention training (which I was supposed to attend last year but they changed the dates and didn't let me know).

So I am looking fwd to that though I am feeling a bit panicked and stressed because we are apparently in for a hell of a storm and it's supposed to hit tomorrow but I have myself all cranked up because I am worried it could happen tonight while I am out.

Just call me Nervous Nellie.

I had a crap night's sleep with strange dreams...

BUT

• I think I look pretty good today
• for the 2nd day in a row I ran one full lap at the track
• I have been to the track everyday for more than a week
• Baby Girl is saying, "Mama" more distinctly AND blowing kisses and waving
• Son should be grading for his orange belt in Kung Fu soon
• Hubs and I love each other
• I have great friends (irl and online) who support and inspire me

A good question

Goodbye Mirror asked me the following question within her reply to my previous blog post:

"...Since you asked a question on my blog, I think I am going to return the favor. :)
How do you blog about something personal (such as weight loss or religion), and try to keep your emotions in check?"


And here is my response (since I thought it was long enough to be used as a new post, even though I still have it as a comment on the previous post but here I corrected my typo - LOL!).

OK and now for the good question...

How do I blog about anything personal and try to keep my emotions in check?

Well, that's a tough one.

Truly.

I realize that putting my thoughts and feelings out here mean that I could get comments or replies that I don't care for or that may well be hurtful.

I try to find the spirit within which the comments or remarks are intended, and if they are meant to be helpful and out of a place of kindness, love and genuine concern, I try to respond in kind and moderate my response and literary "tone" for internet consumption.

Does that make sense?

Whereas, when it is meant in a hurtful way or is indicative of a manner that a person always uses - I equate it to rudeness, a superiority complex, or just someone being (or trying to be) a bully and in that circumstance - I don't care what someone like that thinks because that is not the sort of person/blog/energy that I want around me.

If the words come from someone I cannot respect, then why should those words have meaning to me?

I find it easier to make that separation or distinction when it comes to the internet and find it far more difficult when dealing with people in "the real world" - but does that help explain it?

Thoughts on individual choices

OK, I haven't been awake for very long so we'll see if I can make the thought in my head unfurl itself and grow into a post on my blog.

I know many people, at this time of year, can clash about their spiritual and/or religious beliefs just as I've seen people throughout my weight loss journey (thus far) clash about their method or ideology of weight loss, on whether the best approach is tough love or forgiveness or something in the middle...

I really think the comparable thing about weight loss and religion and/or spirituality (for some people - like myself, consider spirituality and religion to be separate and some see them as the same thing) is that we are ALL each on our own individual journey.

How we perceive and personalize our weight loss methodology can be compared to how we perceive and personalize our relationships with the Powers that Be (however you may choose to name them, He, She, It, Science, Nature, nothingness etc...

I am not here to rail on others about how they choose to lose, though I will respectfully comment out of concern in some cases.

And I am not here to try and enforce my own beliefs, be they about weight loss, Xmas, paganism, or the freakin' Tooth Fairy on others.

I am expressing thoughts and feelings about my own personal journey and on other things that I think and feel.

Some bloggers are very pro something and anti something else, some are blogging about keeping Christ in Christmas, some are blogging about not being into any sort of "holiday spirit", some are participating in various weight loss challenges from various sources, some are doing WW or Atkin's or are like me and just trying to do what seems to fit them best.

Why is there so much strife in the blogging world right now?

Why do sometimes people feel that using the internet gives them the right to be needlessly cruel or superior or just plain bossy?

I link blogs and bloggers and individual posts that make me think.

And I like to think that when I am linked, it happens in the same way.

I do not link blogs, bloggers or individual blog posts for people to mock or judge or humiliate.

Once, fairly early on in the life of this blog (if I recall correctly) I did comment specifically on an issue where a blogger I was reading had pulled things from the blog of a real life friend and made fun of that person.

I then commented on the blog post (where my reply was not posted) and then I also made a blog post here without naming or linking to my friend and without naming or linking to the person who mocked my friend.

So if you are following me or I am following you or both -- know that, that is not how this blogger works and know that I am not judging your religion, your faith, or your method of weight loss.

If I make a comment out of genuine concern or just confusion because I need to learn more about your choices - it will be respectful.

So, in the spirit of this post... I wish all of you the happiest of holiday seasons, no matter what you believe/worship/or abstain from participating in and I wish you all healthy choices and healthy weight changes going forward into the coming year.

Thanks for listening.

I had to comment on one of the blogs I am following

A blogger I started reading tells some hard truths in their blog, but I've been interested in waht I've read thus far.

This morning though, I noticed that they blogged about an unnamed blogger. And as I started reading their post, I realized that I also read the post from the blogger that they were quoting.

So I replied.

Hubs wanted to know what I was typing about so I am putting my reply in this post to show him since the blog I commented on has moderated comments so I don't know when my comment will show up.

*Edited 2x to add: my comment was not posted, though subsequent ones have been, and that person no longer follows this blog but did make a subsequent post featuring my reply. I replied to that too but again, I do not know if it will be posted or not.

I am used to copying things before I send them due to years of issues with coms so here's my comment on the original post (not the follow-up post that featured my comment):

I've read the post and I notice you didn't mention that she's dropped 2 dress sizes. She's also over 5 ft 5.

A lot of the weight loss blogs I read have the bloggers utilizing cheat days or cheat meals.

I don't do it that way myself - I decided with my lifestyle change that I can eat anything I want to but with moderation.

I track my food & calories on fatsecret.com and I am losing because I am making myself accountable but not making things off-limits because I know from experience that I cannot "diet" but I can make a gradual lifestyle change to make me healthier.

But if it's working for the aforementioned blogger (as well as many other bloggers I've encountered) it's a part of their journey.

Slow changes that lead people in the right direction just mean that the journey may take longer or be slightly different than yours (or of some of the previous people who commented on this post).

Edited to add the reply I wrote on the post about my previous reply:

Yes, eating BK wasn't a good choice. But I am being honest in my blog about what I am doing whether it helps or hinders me.

I've gone through a lot of things in my life where I hid things and it hurt me.

As I go through this journey - I expect to hit highs and lows emotionally and have good days and bad days.

I also expect that my views on how to effectively achieve my goals might evolve and change as well.

And in sorting out all these thoughts and feelings, I expect to hit roadblocks, experience confusion and maybe change my mind or mindset about things as I find what works for me.

I'm OK with that.

Sometimes I wonder...

Well, here's what it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be OK about spending money on clothes. After I hit 200 lbs in 2002, I sort of made a moratorium on buying clothes.

Why?

Because I wasn't going to stay that size.

Eventually, you have to cave and buy some things. And when I was pregnant with Baby Girl, I had to buy some things, but I was OK with things emphasizing my stomach because I wanted people to see that I was pregnant and not "just obese" if you know what I mean.

But I am still wearing some of that stuff now.

I still can't fit into the size 14 stuff I have kicking around from 2006 when I got down to 206 (or was it 208?) lbs but the in-between things I had in size 18s got worn out and tossed as my weight climbed back up but my larger stuff doesn't fit well or look flattering either.

I have, very reluctantly, donated a few of my larger pieces. Reluctantly because I get afraid that if I get rid of those clothes I will need them again because -- it's happened before.

And yet I still have hung onto a lot of my old "club" clothes that I haven't been able to wear in at least a decade even though my goal weight is probably still a little high to squeeze into those items.

Ahh nostalgia. You screw with me periodically.

At the moment, I do not want to buy anything for this size but I am also intimidated by the idea of buying a "goal outfit."

I've watched "The last 10 lbs boot camp" on Slice and these girls, who are far skinnier than I am, are nervous about buying goal outfits and yet, they always fit into them.

However; they go on what I see as restrictive DIETS -- not lifestyle changes meant to last for the long haul.

So, how do I buy a goal outfit?

Frankly, it almost terrifies me.

And yet i have heard that it's great to have that sort of goal.

Can I cheat and just pick something of my own that doesn't fit now (or doesn't fit comfortably/attractively)?

Thoughts?

It's kind of odd

So when I started this blog, I thought I was probably going to be very potty-mouthed and negative because that's how I've been in the past when I've tried to lose weight.

Hence the name "Fat Angry Blog" -- but what I've found so far is that rather than being angry about my weight or angry at the world at large -- I'm not even as angry or mean to myself as I've been in the past.

I really do feel that my attitude is more positive this time around (or at least, positive in comparison to the way I normally think about things since I am a glass half-empty sort of girl) and if I was really angry at anyone, it was probably misdirected anger that I didn't want to throw at myself.

Hubs and I walked Son to school this morning with Baby Girl in the stroller. Then we walked from the school over to Starbucks, Hubs had coffee and I had a non-fat chocolate banana vivanno smoothie with 2 tsp of cinnamon blended in.

Then we walked home.

I find it odd that I can walk Son to and from school on an empty stomach but when I've tried to get on the elliptical on an empty stomach I get dizzy, nauseous and have even thrown up.

I had heard that if you workout before eating, you burn more fat and I still have a lot of fat to burn.

And I know this might sound ridiculous but I am going to google the proper usage of ankle/wrist weights.

I use them on my ankles on the elliptical (which is getting quieter the more I use it) and I had them on my wrists this morning for 20 minutes of the 44 minutes of walking I did but I wasn't sure if I should just be swinging my arms naturally or if that was an actual beneficial position to have my arms in while wearing them.

Surprisingly and happily, I lost a little more weight today (though I did drink more water yesterday than I've been doing lately). So perhaps that helped.

weight: 247.4 lbs

In reading some of the other blogs of people on a weight loss journey I keep coming across information about loose skin.

When I went from 272 lbs down to 206 over a couple of years, I didn't notice anything like that. But then, at 206, I didn't notice much of a change in how I looked in comparison photos either.

I am really scared about that this time around though since now I've had two pregnancies, 2 c-sections and I have noticed that my tummy doesn't appear to be changing, even though I've lost 30 lbs since July 23rd.

And my highest recorded weight of this year was 296 but I think it's likely I topped 300 lbs before I had Baby Girl.

I was talking to Hubs about the idea of a gym membership because I am going to need to do strength training to improve my lean muscle mass and with winter approaching, I know my motivation in all areas of life tend to lessen.

The fact that I am now taking Vitamin D may help this - I can say that I have been feeling a bit more LEVEL lately but we'll see, as right now the weather is good, the air smells like leaves and it's my favourite time of the year.

I was going to write more but I think I just suffered a brain fart. Totally lost my train of thought. I blame the children's programming I have on for Baby Girl right now.

My weight is stuck

But we did have a couple of bad days this week while we were away from home.

Had a great day yesterday though, out in the sunshine. Took a leisurely walk. Enjoyed being alive.

I am not recording my weight today until after I have a bowel movement in the hopes that even a small weight decrease will appear.

I don't feel down about it because I am under 250 lbs now and am 0.6 above my Oct 11th goal of 249 (Hubs AND my sister say I should count it as hitting my goal since it is still 249 - but I'm waiting to see what the scale says tomorrow).

Having a bit of a naughty breakfast today - but because this is a LIFESTYLE CHANGE and not just a "diet" I need to re-learn how I behave with my relationship with food.

And part of that is understanding that if I deny myself -- I will end up binge eating.

But if I allow myself to have something not as healthy once in awhile - I won't start obsessively craving worse and worse things.

Moderation is really important and I am learning that.