Still alive and struggling

Hey there everyone.

Well, I'm still unmotivated, still trying to work out the best meds to help me through this time of depression and exhaustion.

Depending on the frequency of my sporadic bowel movements I am ranging between a low of 249.2 and a high of 252.4

I have started going to a peer-based support group and I am finding that to be helpful, especially since the person I was seeing at the counselling place is no longer there so I only had a total of 4 sessions with her.

The 4th session consisting of my freaking out because she told me while there that it was going to be our last session.

Baby Girl has been assessed with a speech/language delay.  I started the "It talks two to talk" program last week.

Little Man is participating in a group ABA program with some other boys around his age for kids with autism and I take him to that every Tuesday evening.

Hubs is still not working but has been getting coverage for some re-education programs.  He starts a Microsoft Office Suite course in a week or two.

My anxiety is very much under control, though I still have the paranoia issues but my depression just seems like it's getting worse and worse and I am struggling daily.

I am working so hard at sorting out my mental health issues and doing what I can to help my kids with their issues and be emotionally supportive of Hubs while he works on upgrading his education so he can eventually GET a job and support our family.

Rhyme Girl has been having a tough time at her Mom's with various things, so that's a worry and stressor for us as well.

*sigh*

I've been avoiding the blog world in general and I've actually been on Facebook a lot less as well.  It's almost like the more I have to leave my house to do other things, the more I hide away.

But - I'm not dead.

I've spent quite a bit of time on ancestry.ca and ancestry.com as well as findagrave.com as that tends to help me relax.

And I've been reading more again the past week or so.

So that's where I'm at.

I hope all of you are well.

Update on the meds

OK so I have been consistently taking my medication.

The Good:

1. Negative self-talk is still almost completely gone.
2. Binge eating seems to be gone.
3. Depression does not seem so dire.
4. Paranoia has lessened a fair amount.
5. Anxiety has lessened quite a bit.

The Challenging:

1. Sex drive is WAY down.
2. Sleeping issues are difficult to deal with (tired during the day, tired but unable to sleep soundly at night).
3. Increased headaches.
4. Almost constant dry-mouth.

A success story:

I went grocery shopping ALONE on Thursday for the first time in YEARS!!!  It was stressful because I was also having them price-match to competitor's flyers, but I did it.  And I only had to do one extra walk around the store to calm myself down before getting into the checkout line.

Sadder success stories:

My neighbour passed away on Feb 16th of cancer and I went to the visitation at the funeral home to show support for his wife.

Today I am going to the visitation of my friend's mother, who passed away of cancer on Feb 23rd.

I have always had issues with funerals and funeral homes, even before my adoptive parents died.

I'm just updating my blog before my friend gets here to pick me up.

On a brighter note:

If I remember, I have a cute video of Baby Girl that I will post but back-date to before this entry.

Total Woman's Show

On Saturday I attended the Total Woman's Show with my friend & her mother.  I found it quite similar to MeFest as there were a lot of people offering information about doing direct selling through party-hosting.

As well, there were 3 stages where presentations and such were occurring.  There were also people offering health and wellness information, posture checks, gym passes etc.

I had a complimentary styling done on my hair by Angelina Fitz-Henry from Cowboys & Angels (and I looked great!)
 
I grabbed the business card for The Nu Me Boutique, as my birth mom has shopped there since they specialize in products for women who have had mastectomies.


As well, there was a booth about Thermography, which is a non-invasive, radiation-free monitoring of breast health. And another booth offered information about mammograms and the Ontario Breast Screening Program (toll free information number is: 1-800-668-9304.)

Latasia   - has cool jewelry.  So did Stella & Dot and -- crap, the one place did jewelry, scarves & purses... but I am currently blanking on the name. EDITED to add: it was SheBella!

Wicked is coming to Centre in the Square - which is pretty exciting... though there are other events coming up too.

There were a number of booths that had tea products; my favourite being Distinctly Tea.

I saw a line up at the booth for Align-Right, as a lot of women were purchasing pillows.

I grabbed some information from two different booths about senior care, one was Home Instead and the other was Warm Embrace.

I grabbed an information sheet from Lotus Meditation.

My friend purchased some clothing made from bamboo from Yogainn Sakuja, who told us that he is working on a website and when it's reading it should be elaNela.com but if you are interested in his products, you could contact him at elanela7 AT gmail DOT com.

There was a booth for Spanner.  I've never been there before, but my friend was keen on it as she's shopped there before.

The one talk we were able to attend was "Weight Loss Revealed" presented by Bruce Kahn, author of The Fat Fighter Diet.  Afterwards, my friend's mother purchased his book & some supplements from the Fiddleheads booth.  Now Bruce also gave out a website address re: his personal training, but I don't remember what it was.  If I found out, I'll link it in this entry later.

There was a booth with sample shakes from the Body By Vi program.  Two shakes a day and one healthy meal, but I am not into meal replacements.

I was given a day pass for GoodLife Fitness. Though I'm not sure how I feel about GoodLife.

I grabbed some information from some friendly house-cleaning ladies from Polished Expectations (which I plan to pass on to one of my friends).

I tried to get close enough to smell some of the products at The Body Blessed, but it was too crowded.

There were many more booths and representatives there but these are the ones I was given information from.

There was just so much going on, I found it challenging to take everything in but it was enjoyable and I'd have to say that I don't know if I could have handled being out that long without the medication I am on.

Baby Girl

I'm on an SSRI

OK so I am taking Ciprolex as of today.

Too early to tell anything yet of course, but I thought I should make note of it.

Relationship/family update

So Hubs and I had a *massive* blow-out on Sunday night.

Some things were said that we didn't mean and I said some things that I hadn't revealed before.

While it sucked in the midst of it and during the aftermath for a bit -- it was also very cathartic.

Since that night, we've actually been communicating better than we have in ages.  And, the best part is that Hubs has even been initiating some of these conversations about how I am feeling about things and what we want to accomplish and work on etc...

It's more like the way we used to communicate in the earlier years of our relationship (we've been together for 5 years).

I think the combination of  the Ciprolax and the Wellbutrin is working well for him.

We are trying to have a week of no yelling and we've made "time out cards" for each of us (except Baby Girl) to try to use when things are starting to get heated.

Hopefully it helps :>

Also, Baby Girl has an appointment at KidsAbility later this month to have her speech development assessed so I'm glad that is being taken care of (I put her on a waiting list in late 2011).

Little Man is on a waiting list for some ABA work.  And he's doing well on his daily dose of 30 mg of Biphentin (to help him focus and control his impulses) plus 3 mg of Melatonin before bed to help him sleep.

Rhyme Girl is back in therapy and her mother has been taking her - though Hubs needs to push to find out what the counselor recommends...

I have an appointment with my family DR to discuss anti-depressants tomorrow and my next therapy appointment is on the 9th.

Right now I am drinking a protein packed smoothie and then I've got some tidying up to do.

Here's hoping everyone is well.

2nd therapy appointment yesterday

So I had my 2nd session yesterday.

She said that we will start doing something called EMDR in a few more sessions.  Before my next appointment (in 2 weeks) I have to work on a timeline for her of positive and negative events in my life that I remember.

That may well be challenging because, frankly, most of my memories are negative as those are the ones that stick whereas the happy ones are harder to hold onto.

Yesterday I described the fact that, to me, happiness is transient whereas, in my ideal world, it would be a constant.

I think there were a number of emotional factors and stressors related to my unfortunate re-gain.

The counselor that I meet with told me yesterday that it is not her job to diagnose me or prescribe anything, it's her job to help me accept what has happened in the past and release all the negativity and fear that I hang on to.

Though she did suggest that I talk to my family DR about medication.

I'm still thinking about that.

If anyone reading has some experience with anti-depressant and/or anti-anxiety medication, feel free to comment or to message me privately.


weight:  247.6 lbs

a few pics

update

So, just had a fight with Hubs re: my anxiety/panic/PTSD -- he doesn't understand it and I try not to make a big issue of it all. But, I've been struggling with it lately.

I have my second therapy appointment tomorrow... am feeling pretty keyed up about it.  I debated back and forth and back and forth on whether or not to write about it here and, as you can see, I did NOT detail the session.

I still find myself feeling somewhat "raw" from it in ways.  Even though, overall, I think it went well but I have been having more times where I feel really disconnected as well as times where I am really emotional.

I suppose it's all part of the process.

In other news, I've made a new friend and her son and Little Man get along EXTREMELY well and that's really nice for both of them.

My appointment with Little Man's school was re-scheduled due to poor driving conditions re: my support coordinator from DSRC so hopefully the weather cooperates on Thursday which is also the day back in 2007 that Hubs and I really connected and started talking.

Have been working on saving money on groceries thanks to H's advice and Walmart's price matching policies.

Budgeting on a low income is a must - but is still challenging.

Am hoping to swing a discounted Y membership into February's budget so I have something to do to help re-motivate me.

Right now my one motivation is, apparently, house-organization.  It's a slow, arduous process but worthwhile if we can actually get this place all sorted out.

Baby Girl is 22 months old today.  I'll have to log in with one of my other email addys so that I can add a photo of her.