Monday, December 19, 2011

Why all the nightmares?

Sleep is traumatic for me lately... filled with fear, anxiety, panic, horror, confusion, entrapment, confinement without escape.

I feel like a zombie, walking around, constantly exhausted - my motivation and get-up-and-go are virtually non-existant.

The biggest stand-outs with dream horror was a portion of a dream from last wk (the rest of it was OK but the recurring refrain was of me coming up to people and saying, "I can't believe my father died on Friday and my brother died at his funeral!")

Of course, my Dad died in 1993 and my brother is still alive.

It could refer to my birth dad and one of my half-brothers but I kept feeling like it was about my Dad who raised me instead.

Last night - every time I went back to sleep I was trapped in this nightmare that began with Hubs and I walking into a store that appeared to have been cobbled together by my subconscious from 3 of the places I have worked...

  • a Cdn Tire Gas Bar
  • a Personal Edge store
  • a Black's Photograpy store
I was dropping off a high school student I'd sourced out as an intern for the store and explained that to the manager (who in the dream was Mike, owner/operator of my fav place, Club Abstract).

Hubs was with me and we went out through the photolab and were in a garage and walked past cars up on the hoist and then we were outside, facing a mall.

We turned back and all the doors were closed so we had to make our way through the mall to find our car and get home to the kids who were being babysat by my son's godfather.

Suddenly we found ourselves out on a country road, with deep snow and no real landmarks.

There was a rundown rusted bus and we got on it to shelter ourselves from the wind.  We checked for our cell phones but they were missing.

There was a phone and I called our house to leave a message and say we needed help but then there was a young woman in dirty clothes, holding the phone cord.

I began apologizing for trespassing but all she was interested in was if we had kids.

We were taken at gunpoint to a large barn where there were a lot of people and my immediate thought was "inbred rednecks" because they were like the movie/TV show stereotype of that sort of character.

They wanted to keep us as a fresh set of breeders.

I woke up, extremely freaked out and every time I managed to get back to sleep -- I was back there again.  Without escape.  Without surcease.

I still feel like I am on maximum alert.

Since Saturday, I've been feeling like there is some major doom awaiting me and I've left the house as little as possible because I kind of feel like I am going to have a heart attack out of sheer fear at the moment.

I *KNOW* this is illogical but I am not willing to try to force myself out of it, I am going to treat myself gently over the next few days and keep reading, "Depressed & Anxious - The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook for overcoming Depression & Anxiety."

It could even be that reading the book itself is behind this wall of panic surrounding me... I really don't know.

If I can just make it through Xmas and get to that first therapy appointment on the 28th, I'm sure I'll start getting a handle on things again.

The other night I had to have one of those hard cries, the kind where it feels like there is a ball of steel wool jammed down your throat and your emotions have to slide past it, tasting of bile and blood and metal.

It's funny how I can manage to write things here when I get the nerve to do so but it's so incredibly hard and EMBARRASSING to try and explain in person to those I care about.

Though even writing this entry has my stomach churning like I am about to start projectile vomitting.

My head aches, my heart is pounding and I just don't want to talk to ANYONE right now...

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Are things looking up?

The good:

- Hubs started therapy this week
- I will be starting therapy on the 28th
- we are receiving some financial support (which also covers the cost of therapy)

Stuff in process:

- IPRC for Little Man

* this has been a source of frustration as we only have an IEP in place for him and as I understand it, an IPRC is necessary if we want to look into specialty educational programming. But I heard back from a nice woman at Developmental Services Resource Centre (DSRC) today and they meet on the 21st and I will be contacted after that about a service co-ordinator who could be someone to assist me with advocating for my son to get the whole process rolling.

The bad:

- though, as ever, there are some things that fall into "the bad" I'm not going to go into them as my mood has been very down and I'm actually feeling somewhat hopeful at the moment