Thursday, February 3, 2011

A bit of an epiphany last night

So I know I've said before in my blog that I felt that part of the reason I gained weight was to protect myself.

However; I thought that with my mindset where it's been and realizing that this is for my healthy and well-being and that because I've been doing so well that it was no longer an issue...

Apparently I was incorrect.  Last night, when I was in bed trying to sleep, I was also fighting off an anxiety attack.  Because I just started thinking about how vulnerable we all are in this world.

I thought about all the things that happened to me when I was a child and then as a teenager and then as an adult and I got really, really scared.

And the worst part of this sort of thinking is that no one else can really and truly understand unless they've been through some similar experiences so I did not talk to Hubs about it.

I just lay there, in the dark, trying to calm my racing mind and slow my thumping heart while some of the things that happened to me replayed in my head.

It sucked.

It more than sucked.

It's bad enough that I've had to live through those sorts of experiences -- I really wish the random re-living of them would just stop.

But it was like two parts of me were at war with each other... part of me, the part that's been enjoying a bit of girlification with S-girl (tanning, discussing eyebrow waxing etc...) was happy about feeling sexier and prettier and HAPPY but the other part of me was thinking things like, "If I get prettier, I get noticed, if I get noticed, that makes me a target, if I'm a target, I'm going get hurt again."


I know I'm with Hubs and that those certain men of my past who hurt me in so many ways are gone, but I guess the emotional scars still ache and itch and startle me sometimes.

All that being said -- I'm off to the track this morning to try and clear up my headspace and then probably for a tan to help me relax.

I'm not giving up!


  1. Time for you to take some self-defense lessons.

    (And, as experts keep saying, you don't have to be "sexy" to be a victim... that's part of the whole "blaming the woman" story.)

    (No, I am not a feminist. Really. Sorry about that. ^^)

  2. It's hard to make realizations like that. I have panic attacks to stemming from the past and they usually hit me at night, when no one else is awake. I feel you on that. I'm thinking that I need to do some girlification myself--maybe that will help me bust through this "thing" that I'm struggling through. Ugh.

    Keep your chin up!

  3. okay... so for THIS you can call night and day. No worrying about waking anyone up.


  4. I found your blog through Witch's Weight Loss Journeya and I'm so glad I did. I gained a crap ton of weight with pregnancy (my son is now in elementary school, so that excuse ship has sailed) and have recently been told my blood sugars are pre-diabetes. I'm trying my hardest to lose this weight and get my fat ass in shape.

    One thing that has helped SO MUCH was therapy with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist who specialized in Overeating/Eating Disorders.

    I look forward to reading more about your journey, nice meeting you : )

  5. It's great that you are going to the track this morning. Maybe you need to find someone you can really talk to about these things so they don't keep you down!

  6. It's so hard to let go of the past, isn't it? I struggle with that myself. It's amazing how much we can still FEEL now the way we did in past experiences.
    I like the idea of taking the self defense classes! That would help you feel confident and in control.

  7. You are forgetting one integral aspect...sure you will get sexy, maybe you will be a target, but this time you will be READY-proactive and ready to crush some balls-knowledge is the most powerful weapon you can have. You are already NOT be the same person you were, you are stronger AND know what to look for and avoid! These dudes won't know what hits 'em! If you are going to be scared, at least let yourself realize your own strengths, and that you aren't helpless anymore-you are a force to be reckoned with-don't forget that!

    Polar's Mom

  8. I know what anxiety attacks are like - whew. I feel your fear, but work through it. You are a strong, confident woman and you are going to make it...and get your sexy on.

  9. I'm a therapist, and if you decide to talk to someone, cognitive-behavioral therapy is a great type that Dark Mother mentioned above.

    You may already know this, but gaining weight to "hide" is a common thing that happens in adult survivors of trauma, and when people lose weight they can have more symptoms of trauma because of feeling more exposed.

    I don't know you or your situation, but I applaud your insight and honesty!

    Love your blog, by the way :)

  10. Thank you everyone and yes, I am certainly interested in some self-defense training as well as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy -- however; first Hubs has to get a job (hopefully one that provides health benefits).

    I appreciate the thoughts some of you have shared with me here and some that was shared via email.

    I know this isn't my normal sort of post - so thanks for replying.

    @Leslie - I have a conglomeration of various issues stemming from physical and sexual abuse I endured as a child at the hands of a slightly older child as well as being raped as a teen and having some physically, sexually, emotionally and financially abusive relationships as an adult.

    I've tried meds, I've tried various therapists and such. I think I have had some success along the way but sometimes, it all just comes back up.

    Like spontaneously vomiting... it's gross, you don't want to be doing it but you can't control it or stop it.

  11. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've got a whole bunch of issues I never even blog about, but trust me, I can relate. I was always a skinny person until I became normal-sized in my 20s and fat for a few years in my 30s. For the past 2 months I have ate myself non-stop, because I'm angry. I wish I had money for counseling--a cognitive behavioralist is the way to go. I wish there was a way to eat normally for me, but my whole eating life has been jacked up since my mom hid food from me and publically overfed my brother. Sigh. It's a hard fight, but you can do it!

  12. I've been seeing a therapist since the fall ... she says that I eat because I'm self-nurturing.

  13. SO many times my thoughts at night are so raw and terrifying compared to those same thought during the day. I guess when we have other things to take our minds off our fears they don't seem so 'there', if that makes any sense. Your fears of losing weight are so completely normal and I don't think there's any one of us that hasn't felt something similar. It's all a part of the process of change - any kind of change, because it feels like we're losing our sense of security with the weight. Just keep focused and think about how great you are feeling these days.