However; I thought that with my mindset where it's been and realizing that this is for my healthy and well-being and that because I've been doing so well that it was no longer an issue...
Apparently I was incorrect. Last night, when I was in bed trying to sleep, I was also fighting off an anxiety attack. Because I just started thinking about how vulnerable we all are in this world.
I thought about all the things that happened to me when I was a child and then as a teenager and then as an adult and I got really, really scared.
And the worst part of this sort of thinking is that no one else can really and truly understand unless they've been through some similar experiences so I did not talk to Hubs about it.
I just lay there, in the dark, trying to calm my racing mind and slow my thumping heart while some of the things that happened to me replayed in my head.
It more than sucked.
It's bad enough that I've had to live through those sorts of experiences -- I really wish the random re-living of them would just stop.
But it was like two parts of me were at war with each other... part of me, the part that's been enjoying a bit of girlification with S-girl (tanning, discussing eyebrow waxing etc...) was happy about feeling sexier and prettier and HAPPY but the other part of me was thinking things like, "If I get prettier, I get noticed, if I get noticed, that makes me a target, if I'm a target, I'm going get hurt again."
I know I'm with Hubs and that those certain men of my past who hurt me in so many ways are gone, but I guess the emotional scars still ache and itch and startle me sometimes.
All that being said -- I'm off to the track this morning to try and clear up my headspace and then probably for a tan to help me relax.
I'm not giving up!