update

So, just had a fight with Hubs re: my anxiety/panic/PTSD -- he doesn't understand it and I try not to make a big issue of it all. But, I've been struggling with it lately.

I have my second therapy appointment tomorrow... am feeling pretty keyed up about it.  I debated back and forth and back and forth on whether or not to write about it here and, as you can see, I did NOT detail the session.

I still find myself feeling somewhat "raw" from it in ways.  Even though, overall, I think it went well but I have been having more times where I feel really disconnected as well as times where I am really emotional.

I suppose it's all part of the process.

In other news, I've made a new friend and her son and Little Man get along EXTREMELY well and that's really nice for both of them.

My appointment with Little Man's school was re-scheduled due to poor driving conditions re: my support coordinator from DSRC so hopefully the weather cooperates on Thursday which is also the day back in 2007 that Hubs and I really connected and started talking.

Have been working on saving money on groceries thanks to H's advice and Walmart's price matching policies.

Budgeting on a low income is a must - but is still challenging.

Am hoping to swing a discounted Y membership into February's budget so I have something to do to help re-motivate me.

Right now my one motivation is, apparently, house-organization.  It's a slow, arduous process but worthwhile if we can actually get this place all sorted out.

Baby Girl is 22 months old today.  I'll have to log in with one of my other email addys so that I can add a photo of her.

Where I'm at - mentally, physically and financially

So what I tend to do when I get depressed is that I throw myself into something different.

I become less introspective and tend to internalize the things going on rather than dealing with them.

With that being said...

First things first.

Mentally - I'm still really out of sorts, unmotivated, depressed and frustrated.

Physically - I have only being doing the diaperfit class with Baby Girl and I've been eating complete crap. Ready for the horrible backslide confession???

I am appalled that I've done this.

But here we go.

*sigh*

Weight: 232.0 lbs

That's up 27.8 lbs from my all-time low of 204.2 back in April on this year.

:(

The things I've thrown myself into re: my main method of escapism...

#1 - genealogical research (which is actually pretty cool and is helping me feel more connected to the maternal side of my birth family.
#2 - online games - word games, yahtzee, FB games like who wants to be a millionaire and are you smarter than a 5th grader and family feud.
#3 - going out dancing with my friends (although I have been doing more drinking than my usual).
#4 - EATING CRAPPY FOOD!

Financially things are tight.  Hubs has not found work yet, though he did attend a job fair on Saturday and he has had 3 job interviews this week so we're hoping something comes of it all... though he'd most like to hear from the job fair and that's the one he hasn't heard anything from.

He was 62 hrs under what he needed to qualify for employment insurance so we've had no income since he was let go in Sept.

If it weren't for the fact that we live in geared-to-income housing and that I receive the Canada Child Tax Benefit for Little Man and Rhyme Girl - we'd be completely fucked.

Hopefully one of these interviews turns into a job.  Worst case scenario - we apply for Ontario Works (aka welfare) and I look into going back to retail part-time around whatever temp work Hubs can find.

*sigh*

re: the kids:

I've been having some real issues with Little Man and his temper... it's stressing me out a lot.

I've ordered a new book with some birthday money I received and once it gets here, and I read it - I'll either post here or on my kids blog about it.

And I'm still concerned about Baby Girl's speech development.

At her 18-month-appointment - she was not hitting all the milestones, but she was close.  Our family DR told me to wait until she's 2 and see how she's doing then.

This is the same thing he said about Little Man so I've got Baby Girl on a waiting list at KidsAbility just in case.

She is communicative - but she still uses a limited amount of words.

Because Little Man has autism spectrum disorder and Rhyme Girl has ADHD - I am really trying to be proactive when it comes to Baby Girl because that places her at an increased risk of having one or both of these issues.

I really need to stop being self-destructive re: eating crap, not exercising, not expressing my feelings & just HIDING from the things that are bothering me.

I can't promise that I'll blog as much as I used to -- but I am going to commit to making at least one entry per week.

I hope everyone else is doing better than I am...

the latest

Hubs is looking for work. It appears that he does not have enough hours to qualify for EI.

Baby Girl and Hubs and I all are at varying stages of having a cold or reacting to allergies. Baby Girl has a very snotty nose and is sneezing. Hubs is coughing and achey. I have a snotty nose, the sneezes and a sore throat with fever (so I am definitely under the weather).

:(

In other news - Little Man received his green stripe belt in Kung Fu on Saturday and we are very proud of him.

:>

1G1D1Y is on her honeymoon and I miss her.

I have been all over the place emotionally. Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes it feels like the end of the world.

My exercise has decreased and my binging has increased.

I don't know why it can be such a challenge to harness and control my emotions/mood but it's probably because I have a ton of things that I still don't really deal with.

So it's been tough and I haven't been around as much because whenever I feel like my life is going downhill - I tend to try to hide from it, like an ostrich with its head in the sand.

If I can't see it, it can't be happening.

All that being said - I have had some great days. But more of them have felt like days I had to struggle to get through, or days where I'd have rather stayed in my bed and not come out for anyone.

That's the part that's the hardest to deal with.

I don't like being perceived as weak or vulnerable by others. So I have a hard time really sharing how I am feeling. Or I do share it, but I make sure I'm still able to laugh at myself or at the shit life throws at me to make sure that other people don't worry about me.

Also - I haven't shared pics in awhile - I'll have to log in using one of my other email accounts so I can back-date a pics post (because I want this one to be the most recent).

Monday is the big day

Yep, Hubs starts his job and I go see the cardiologist to get fitted for my event monitor.

I'm really stressing over the whole heart thing (yes, counter-productive as it may be) but I do hope that it all gets sorted and that it will turn out that I'm fine and that there's no real reason for concern.

Tomorrow is Father's Day and that always leaves me with mixed feelings... missing my Dad, but glad that Hubs has one of the kids home with us tomorrow (Baby Girl) and I read the little note that Little Man wrote to Hubs and I thought it was really sweet -- especially since he usually does his school Father's Day things for his Daddy rather than for Hubs (who he calls Dad).

Rhyme Girl has plans for what she wants us to make for Hubs the next wkend that she's with us...

*sigh*

But right now I'm too wrapped up in feeling stressed, having a really lousy period (not that I can say I've ever had a good one) and feeling like I need more out of life but I'm not sure what yet...

Today

Well I got home last night and Hubs and my kidlets were very happy to see me - just as I was happy to be home with them again!

I have my cardiac test this afternoon... hoping that goes well but it's also my TOM and I am very crampy and bitchy today.

One of my take-aways from Calgary was that I kept seeing pairs of birds that I was unfamiliar with.  I was told while I was there that they were mockingbirds.

Unfortunately, I was unable to catch them on camera but a google search turned up a picture of one from this person's Picasa gallery:  http://picasaweb.google.com/KarenMaine10433/AlbertaVacation2009# - I do not know Karen Maine but if you look at the third picture (in the top row) from that link - you will see a mockingbird just like the ones I saw while I was in Calgary.

I don't know if I can link a FB video like this or not but I got video of a guy trying to drum up business by tossing a sign... http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150627784060158&comments

On Saturday I went out for a walk in the afternoon with one of the girls and we encountered a 90ish old woman who was lost and we helped get her back to the retirement home she lived at, so that was a nice moment of good karma.

I spent most of Sunday dreadfully hungover after the BBQ on Saturday night and I think I handled the flight home on Monday far better than the flight out there BUT I was more nervous coming home because it was really crappy weather in Calgary on Monday morning.

water slide at the hotel pool

complimentary breakfast

Well on my way to the land of drunkenness

crappy weather rolling in (taken from hotel room)

On the way home!!!

Going to land soon

FAB - on feeling disconnected

I tend to think that the more external stress that I feel, the more I try to hibernate (whether physically or emotionally).

When I feel like I can't control a situation, I hide out.

It gets harder for me to leave the house, to take initiative, to enjoy various aspects of my life.

I will also tend to read more or watch TV more and avoid phone calls.

This time around, what I've been avoiding the most is the internet. Blogging, Facebook and Twitter.

All have been receiving less of my attention, so to speak, since that is often the primary way in which I communicate with others.

I confess that I am really obsessing negatively over the damn cardiac stress test as well as continuing to freak out over Hubs state of joblessness.

So it's making me a neglectful internet user.

I expect that once I have the test and Hubs finds a job, I'll be back to my usual self.

I have to run out and pick up test results from my DR to pass along to Dr. W. so if I can make sense of them, I'll possibly edit this post to talk about them...


Edited to add:

The blood work done with my physical all came back with results within normal ranges but I'll vopy the info here before I pass it on to Dr. W.

Hematology


Hemoglobin     133     ref range     115-165     units G/L
Hematocrit   0.393     ref range   0.37-0.47     units L/L
WBC count       4.7     ref range     4.0-11.0     units X10 9/L
RBC count       4.49     ref range   3.80-5.80     units X10 12/L
MCV                87.6     ref range         80-97     units FL
MCH                29.6     ref range   27.0-32.0     units PG
MCHC                338     ref range      320-360     units G/L
RDW                 14.2    ref range    11.0-14.5     units %
Platelet count     242    ref range      150-400      units X10 9/L
Absolute: neutros 2.7   ref range       2.0-7.5      units X10 9/L
Absolute: lymph   1.5   ref range       1.1-3.3      units X10 9/L
Absolute: mono    0.4   ref range       0.0-0.8      units X10 9/L
Absolute: EOS      0.1   ref range       0.0-0.5      units X10 9/L
Absolute: BASO    0.0   ref range       0.0-0.2      units X10 9/L

Chemistry

Glucose fasting-ser  4.1  ref range 3.3-6.0  units MMOL/L
Creatinine               77  ref range 60-115   units UMOL/L
eGFR                      72  ref range not listed  & units not listed

Sodium                  140  ref range 135-146         units MMOL/L
Potassium               4.7  ref range 3.5-5.2          units MMOL/L
Chloride                106  ref range 95-108           units MMOL/L
Alt                           9  ref range  4-43              units U/L
Cholesterol          3.97  ref range TARGET <5.20  units MMOL/L
Triglycerides        0.60  ref range TARGET <1.71  units MMOL/L
HDL Cholesterol   1.41  ref range TARGET >1.29  units MMOL/L
LDL Cholesterol    2.29  ref range not listed       units MMOL/L
Chol/HDL ratio     2.82  ref range not listed  & units not listed

TSH                     2.35  ref range  0.30-5.60    units MU/L


looking for info on what these mean here:   http://www.labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/ldl/test.html#what

and here:   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reference_ranges_for_blood_tests

Asking for the guidance of the Universe

As you know, Hubs has been out of work for quite awhile.

His employment insurance ends at the end of April. Then we are screwed financially.

He has been applying for jobs but hasn't had any luck getting a job.

We've talked about his attitude and his moodiness and on him working on putting positivity into the universe so that good things come to him.

It's really getting down to brass tacks here.

Neither of us have ever made a lot of money. I've always worked retail, so even when I worked in FT management positions, I never made as much hourly as he has with his years in car parts or even in his warehouse experience.

As well, I am more in tune with the kids needs, so to speak.

Because we live in geared-to-income housing, we are able to survive with one person working (though it's not like living in luxury by any means).

In the past, when he was out of work and I was still working (albeit part-time) things got pretty stressful between us because of my anxiety and panic plus the fact that Hubs and Son are surprisingly alike in some of their more aggravating personality traits which makes it challenging for them to get along when I am not around.

*sigh*

So, basically, I am opening myself to the Universe in the wish and hope that the answer(s) will appear in a way that cannot be ignored.

That ideal employment will present itself and be taken on ASAP.

That it will all happen for the good of all involved.

Any and all good vibes will be accepted and appreciated.

My stress list and then, to end on a higher note, a NSV!

Horrible night's sleep last night...

Lots of odd, disjointed dreams.

Cranky, cranky Baby Girl and Son has a seal-like cough, is pale and clammy to the touch with a low fever.

So I'm keeping him home today in the hopes of nipping whatever he's got in the bud.

***

I am feeling a bit better re: my missing my Mom breakdown yesterday.

She died Nov 2, 2004.  Terminal bone cancer which had metastasized from her breast.

I did surprisingly well this year on the anniversary of her death but then lately, I've been feeling things building up just from all over.

Stressors like:

• Son's issues with being bullied at school and then getting caught when he retaliates instead of walking away
• Baby Girl's lack of regular sleep during the night
• Hubs and his on-going attempts to find and secure employment
• Dealing with Step-Daughter's mother!!!
• Worrying about my newest great-nephew and on whether or not my niece will choose to (or be allowed to choose) whether or not she will place him for adoption or not (there are other factors involved with this that I won't get into on my blog)
• The death of my friend's dad and subsequent discussions about that sad event really brought back a lot of things about the deaths of both of my parents

But I do not want to end this post on a down note so here is an NSV (only because I'm not sure at which weight I would have first fit into this).

A few Xmases ago, Hubs was looking for a present for me so I found some PJs that I liked.  The PJs were purchased although the size inside the PJs did not match the larger size listed on the hanger.

I had never been able to wear them until I thought to try them on this weekend.

The size inside says 2x but they must be small fitting since my other PJs are now 1x (and I have one pair that are XL that fit).

Confessions

When I am stressed, anxious and/or depressed I have a history of doing "unhealthy" things.

In the past I used to drink a LOT. In high school, back when I would lightly cut the inside of my thighs (which I don't do anymore) or pull out my hair (which I still do) or bite my nails until I drew blood (which I still do) I also drank quite a bit of alcohol.

I used to have a bottle of Tia Maria hidden in my bedroom. I used to take shots until I felt like I could fall asleep at night.

At its worst - my insomnia allowed me 2 - 3 hrs of sleep per night.

At my worst - I was single but sleeping with 3 different guys in the same time frame and considering others.

At my worst - I drank so much that I blacked out and had to be talked off a balcony after revealing some of my deepest, darkest secrets of what I survived as a child.

At my worst - I actually tried to cultivate an eating disorder because I thought that was the only way to gain some control of my life but I hated trying to make myself throw up.



At my best - I sleep 6 -7 hrs a night.

At my best - I am faithful and committed to my romantic partner (Hubs).

At my best - I consume alcohol in moderation. 0 - 4 alcoholic beverages in a month.

At my best - I try to eat in moderation and make healthier choices without cultivating a sense of denial or a feeling of being deprived.

I've decided that fatsecret seems a better site for charting my food.
Here's a cut'n'paste of what I ate yesterday:

date: Today - 07/29/10Tomorrow - 07/30/10Yesterday - 07/28/101 week ago - 07/22/10Other...	Total Calories: 2088
This is some of what I ate This is exactly what I ate	RDI(%) Sod(mg) Fat(g) Carbs(g) Prot(g) KCals 87 2408 93.79 210.45 91.23 2088

Breakfast 11 140 5.00 48.00 18.00 270

1 serving starbucks chocolate banana 11 140 5.00 48.00 18.00 270

Add Item Choose from My Recent Breakfast Items: chocolate hazelnut spread bottled water Add Multiple Items... Or Find a Food: or New Item or Cancel + add new food: searching...

Lunch 16 913 17.85 42.88 17.68 392

1 slice lifestyle, lean, turkey breast 1 213 0.35 0.88 3.58 22

1 serving spreadable omega 3 butter with canola oil 3 75 8.00 - 0.10 70

2 servings Twelve Grain Bread 10 320 5.00 40.00 10.00 240

1 serving Velveeta cheese slice 3 300 4.50 2.00 4.00 60

1 cup Water - 5 - - - -

Add Item Choose from My Recent Lunch Items: Add Multiple Items... Or Find a Food: or New Item or Cancel + add new food: searching...

Dinner 27 744 32.93 15.30 43.20 647

2 patties Ground Beef (70% Lean / 30% Fat, Patty, Cooked, Pan-Broiled) 15 142 23.93 - 35.20 367

1 serving Rickard's Red beer 7 - - 11.30 - 160

2 servings velveeta cheese slice 5 600 9.00 4.00 8.00 120

1/2 cup water - 2 - - - -

Add Item Choose from My Recent Dinner Items: Add Multiple Items... Or Find a Food: or New Item or Cancel + add new food: searching...

Snacks / Other 32 611 38.01 104.27 12.35 779

1 serving barq's root beer 7 70 - 45.00 - 160

1 serving crispy minis ketchup flavour 4 190 3.00 14.00 1.00 90

0.67 serving milk chocolate bunny 6 20 8.71 15.41 2.01 147

1 serving skippy peanut butter 8 150 16.00 7.00 7.00 190

1 medium sugar twist doughnut 8 181 10.30 22.86 2.34 192