Thursday, October 20, 2011

Where I'm at - mentally, physically and financially

So what I tend to do when I get depressed is that I throw myself into something different.

I become less introspective and tend to internalize the things going on rather than dealing with them.

With that being said...

First things first.

Mentally - I'm still really out of sorts, unmotivated, depressed and frustrated.

Physically - I have only being doing the diaperfit class with Baby Girl and I've been eating complete crap. Ready for the horrible backslide confession???

I am appalled that I've done this.

But here we go.


Weight: 232.0 lbs

That's up 27.8 lbs from my all-time low of 204.2 back in April on this year.


The things I've thrown myself into re: my main method of escapism...

#1 - genealogical research (which is actually pretty cool and is helping me feel more connected to the maternal side of my birth family.
#2 - online games - word games, yahtzee, FB games like who wants to be a millionaire and are you smarter than a 5th grader and family feud.
#3 - going out dancing with my friends (although I have been doing more drinking than my usual).

Financially things are tight.  Hubs has not found work yet, though he did attend a job fair on Saturday and he has had 3 job interviews this week so we're hoping something comes of it all... though he'd most like to hear from the job fair and that's the one he hasn't heard anything from.

He was 62 hrs under what he needed to qualify for employment insurance so we've had no income since he was let go in Sept.

If it weren't for the fact that we live in geared-to-income housing and that I receive the Canada Child Tax Benefit for Little Man and Rhyme Girl - we'd be completely fucked.

Hopefully one of these interviews turns into a job.  Worst case scenario - we apply for Ontario Works (aka welfare) and I look into going back to retail part-time around whatever temp work Hubs can find.


re: the kids:

I've been having some real issues with Little Man and his temper... it's stressing me out a lot.

I've ordered a new book with some birthday money I received and once it gets here, and I read it - I'll either post here or on my kids blog about it.

And I'm still concerned about Baby Girl's speech development.

At her 18-month-appointment - she was not hitting all the milestones, but she was close.  Our family DR told me to wait until she's 2 and see how she's doing then.

This is the same thing he said about Little Man so I've got Baby Girl on a waiting list at KidsAbility just in case.

She is communicative - but she still uses a limited amount of words.

Because Little Man has autism spectrum disorder and Rhyme Girl has ADHD - I am really trying to be proactive when it comes to Baby Girl because that places her at an increased risk of having one or both of these issues.

I really need to stop being self-destructive re: eating crap, not exercising, not expressing my feelings & just HIDING from the things that are bothering me.

I can't promise that I'll blog as much as I used to -- but I am going to commit to making at least one entry per week.

I hope everyone else is doing better than I am...


  1. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Don't stress too much about the weight. It will all balance out in the end.

  2. I'm just grateful to hear from you. Have been wondering how you were doing. Life definitely has it's own way of trying to knock us off balance, sometimes we win, and sometimes it wins. The good news is that you have hopefully found your stopping point and can work on what you need to, both physically and mentally - and working on the mental part (all this worry - for very REAL reasons, obviously) will play a big part in steering you in the right direction, eating-wise. Just pick on one thing at a time. If you think of everything as a whole, you'll get too overwhelmed. One thing, one day. You'll get there. Big hugs to you!

  3. Thanks and hugs to Jo and Ellen!

    I guess the big thing now is what is the best thing to try and control first?