Confessions of an almost 39-year-old slacker

It's hard for me to commit to things.  I'm easily distracted and I tend to hide out rather than fight when it comes to things in my own life - because I'd rather stand up for someone else before I stand up for myself.

There are a lot of things going on in my head - some stress related to my life and some related to the lives of those I love.

I know that's natural but it's still hard to deal with.  I am hoping that Hubs continues to enjoy and do well at the new job (it's been a week and a bit now) so that we will eventually qualify for benefits because I am thinking it would be good and healthy for me to get back into therapy.

As of now, I am not sure what coverage we'll have  but I believe it's psychologists only that are covered (Hubs borrowed another employee's handbook to peruse for a day because he hasn't received the info on benefits yet).

I've been considering Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - but I'll have to see if I can find someone that our benefits will cover, when that time comes.

This wk I've really made an effort to re-motivate myself and get back on track.




BUT even though I will not hit my 178 lb goal by my 1 year date of July 23rd, I can still make a dent in this and start getting the scale to work with me in the direction that I want.

I drop off the heart monitor on July 4th and I meet with the cardiologist again on July 12th and hopefully they will put my fears to rest so I can get back to the activity level I was doing before without worrying that I'm going drop dead.


Another thought I had was that I think my general life stress was making the chest pain and breathing issues worse because even when the monitor has gone off, it hasn't been as intense as it was before and the only real change since then is that Hubs started his job.

time is wonky re: receiving a phone call

my "getting serious" expression

hmmn

Got up and got dressed for the track and then I double-checked the closure schedule and it's closed today :(

Guess I'll do some Wii Fit after I drop Little Man at school.  Today, tomorrow and then school's out for Little Man and Rhyme Girl.

We pick up Rhyme Girl on Sunday and she goes back July 16th.

I do have to go pop Hubs' pay cheque in the bank since they don't have direct deposit.  Luckily there is a new bank with a drive-thru bank machine so I don't have to unload Baby Girl just to do some quick banking.

Totally unrelated to anything -- I hate the cover of "I wanna dance with somebody" performed by These Kids Have Crowns.

I've been having an issue with the damn heart monitor... because it's been hot - when I get active, the one nodule or whatever you call the damn thing that is positioned closest to my left breast loosens because of sweat or gets unhooked because I cannot exercise without some form of support.

It's really irritating!

And it makes me worry that I am not getting accurate results.  I wish they'd given me the monitor earlier when it wasn't as hot out because then I'd have been sweating less at least.

Hope everyone else is well!

And here's a pic of our cat that I snapped yesterday...

Good morning

So I woke up this morning (after wearing the monitor all night) and, low and behold, there were 2 recorded events.

When I went to bed, I had not recorded any so that means it did the automatic recording that I was told about OR that I somehow activated it myself, in my sleep, 2x.

I sent my recording in though the system never prompted me to identify myself, so I did that briefly in the part where you were supposed to describe what you were doing when the event occurred.

I am feeling rather freaked out that it recorded two events when I was asleep - especially since I didn't hear the beeping that indicates that it's recording.

Though I did have a very sound sleep last night compared to my average.

another update

So I get to wear this for two weeks and I had to by a corded phone so when I record heart events - I can send them through the toll-free number service. But it can only be done with a corded phone.

Bought one at Walmart for 11 and change after taxes.

I feel cranky so here is a cute pic of Baby Girl.

Update

Just home from walking Little Man to school and then walking back with Baby Girl in the stroller.

Father's Day went OK yesterday... Little Man was with Hv1.0 but when Little Man got home on Sunday he gave Hubs the present that he made for him at school.

Took Hubs out for wings & it was Baby Girl's first time on a patio

Went out to my parents' grave to pay respects

Little Man with his gift & letter

What the letter says.

Thursday, June 16, 2011
Dear Dad,

Thank you for letting me do what I want to do.
You're so smart because you know math.
I remember when you first met me and my Mom when I was 4.
I hope you do good in your job.
I will always play with you.

Hubs is at his first day at the new job today and I hope it goes really well!

At 11:30 a.m. I will be at the cardiologist getting fitted with that event monitor I've previously mentioned.

Here's hoping it's not too complicated.

Have a great day!

Monday is the big day

Yep, Hubs starts his job and I go see the cardiologist to get fitted for my event monitor.

I'm really stressing over the whole heart thing (yes, counter-productive as it may be) but I do hope that it all gets sorted and that it will turn out that I'm fine and that there's no real reason for concern.

Tomorrow is Father's Day and that always leaves me with mixed feelings... missing my Dad, but glad that Hubs has one of the kids home with us tomorrow (Baby Girl) and I read the little note that Little Man wrote to Hubs and I thought it was really sweet -- especially since he usually does his school Father's Day things for his Daddy rather than for Hubs (who he calls Dad).

Rhyme Girl has plans for what she wants us to make for Hubs the next wkend that she's with us...

*sigh*

But right now I'm too wrapped up in feeling stressed, having a really lousy period (not that I can say I've ever had a good one) and feeling like I need more out of life but I'm not sure what yet...

Still not feeling quite like myself

OK so let me start with the cardiac stress test I had on Tuesday.

It seemed to be going normally but once I was off the treadmill and they were monitoring me as I caught my breath, my heart rate spiked to over 200 and stayed there for just over a minute.

The cardiologist was concerned about it.

He also noticed a slight heart murmur when he was listening to my heart beat.

So I went back in on Wednesday for an echocardiogram and I have to wait until June 20th to go back in to learn how to use something called an "event monitor."

I will be using it for at least 2 weeks starting on the 20th and then once he analyzes all the results - I'll have a better idea of what's going on.

What I am finding really rather strange and disconcerting about it all is that I can't recall a time in my life where I didn't have breathing issues after really exerting myself and then, once I would catch my breath it would feel like my heart was racing and that there was the sound of thunder and water in my ears.

So it seems normal to me.

Now I feel very freaked out about it all.

Do you know what I mean?

As I got older, I attributed it more to my heart racing in a belated panic reaction to my difficulty with drawing what I feel is sufficient breath.

But I can remember having that sort of thing happen back in my bar days where I would dance all night and drink tons of water.

I can remember it happening in high school.

All the way back to elementary school.

I will say that it seems a bit more severe or incapacitating now - as in it feels like it takes me longer to recover but that could just be my perception.

In other news... Baby Girl is still not walking.  Though she has taken one unassisted step on two separate occasions.

And she is still not a fan of the outdoors, swings or slides as of yet.

Yesterday: "I love my brother THIS much!"

 

Son had to make something that moves for school.

Tuesday: "AHHHHHH!!!!! I hate nature!!!"

Yesterday - a super-cute smile!

I've been busy

But I thought I'd post a quick post so y'all know I'm alive.

I am not happy with Harper's effing Conservatives getting a majority in Canada's federal election (but I am too tired to go into detail about that).

I postponed my personal training sessions after my annual physical today because one of the issues I addressed with my DR was my discomfort and breathing difficulty when exercising.

He thought my description was atypical in regards to my thought that I might require an inhaler/puffer and decided that I need to go in for a cardiac stress test with consulting (there was also an option on the test order sheet for the test without the consult).

My uncle had a heart attack in the past year, my grandfather has had heart issues and I'm not sure if there's any heart issues on my biological paternal side of the family or not.

I had heart surgery when I was 2 weeks old for patent ductus arteriosis.

Needless to say, I'm freaking out a little bit over here.

And, if any of you are curious... when I am exercising, I find it hard to breathe, it feels very tight in my chest and it's like someone with large hands is pushing down on chest while holding a brick against me. 

An extreme heaviness and weight seems to exist and then I can only draw my breath in a very shallow manner.

So I go for the test on May 24th (the day after I return from Calgary).

Right now I feel like I need to stay away from the computer a bit because I want to start googling my symptoms and that generally leads to me scaring the shit out of myself.

Sorry I'm being a bit incommunicado.

Miss you all!