Relationship/family update

So Hubs and I had a *massive* blow-out on Sunday night.

Some things were said that we didn't mean and I said some things that I hadn't revealed before.

While it sucked in the midst of it and during the aftermath for a bit -- it was also very cathartic.

Since that night, we've actually been communicating better than we have in ages.  And, the best part is that Hubs has even been initiating some of these conversations about how I am feeling about things and what we want to accomplish and work on etc...

It's more like the way we used to communicate in the earlier years of our relationship (we've been together for 5 years).

I think the combination of  the Ciprolax and the Wellbutrin is working well for him.

We are trying to have a week of no yelling and we've made "time out cards" for each of us (except Baby Girl) to try to use when things are starting to get heated.

Hopefully it helps :>

Also, Baby Girl has an appointment at KidsAbility later this month to have her speech development assessed so I'm glad that is being taken care of (I put her on a waiting list in late 2011).

Little Man is on a waiting list for some ABA work.  And he's doing well on his daily dose of 30 mg of Biphentin (to help him focus and control his impulses) plus 3 mg of Melatonin before bed to help him sleep.

Rhyme Girl is back in therapy and her mother has been taking her - though Hubs needs to push to find out what the counselor recommends...

I have an appointment with my family DR to discuss anti-depressants tomorrow and my next therapy appointment is on the 9th.

Right now I am drinking a protein packed smoothie and then I've got some tidying up to do.

Here's hoping everyone is well.

Asking for the guidance of the Universe

As you know, Hubs has been out of work for quite awhile.

His employment insurance ends at the end of April. Then we are screwed financially.

He has been applying for jobs but hasn't had any luck getting a job.

We've talked about his attitude and his moodiness and on him working on putting positivity into the universe so that good things come to him.

It's really getting down to brass tacks here.

Neither of us have ever made a lot of money. I've always worked retail, so even when I worked in FT management positions, I never made as much hourly as he has with his years in car parts or even in his warehouse experience.

As well, I am more in tune with the kids needs, so to speak.

Because we live in geared-to-income housing, we are able to survive with one person working (though it's not like living in luxury by any means).

In the past, when he was out of work and I was still working (albeit part-time) things got pretty stressful between us because of my anxiety and panic plus the fact that Hubs and Son are surprisingly alike in some of their more aggravating personality traits which makes it challenging for them to get along when I am not around.

*sigh*

So, basically, I am opening myself to the Universe in the wish and hope that the answer(s) will appear in a way that cannot be ignored.

That ideal employment will present itself and be taken on ASAP.

That it will all happen for the good of all involved.

Any and all good vibes will be accepted and appreciated.

Posty today...

So I read a blog post that Stacy wrote... in it she linked to this article and within that article, I am going to re-post the following:

In the course of detailed interviewing of about 2000 obese patients over the past 20 years, in-depth and often repetitively over time, we have noted several recurrent findings:

• It is rare for anyone to be born obese. In 2000 adult obese patients, only one individual was born overweight, at 14 lb (6 kg), to a 550-lb (250-kg) mother, and she was slender throughout childhood and adolescence until age 20, when she married an alcoholic and suddenly began massive weight gains, ultimately matching her mother’s weight. “Born fat” is a defensive concept.

• A significant minority of our Program participants are born at subnormal weight because of prematurity.

• Obesity indeed runs in families, as does speaking the same language. It is the distribution pattern of body fat deposition that is genetically determined, not its presence.

• Major weight gain is typically abrupt, episodic, and life-event related.

• The forces underlying extreme morbid obesity are relatively easy to discern for those seeking them. They are qualitatively similar to those underlying mild overweight, though they are much harder to discern in the latter.

• The age at which weight gain first began is critically important because it allows one to inquire why it began then. Some patients will know and others will not want to know, but this is an essential point not to be dropped because of patient avoidance.

• Obesity commonly is beneficially protective: sexually, physically, and socially. This is an uncomfortably difficult point for many nonobese individuals to accept.

• Major weight loss may present a significant threat, usually to the person involved, but sometimes to others.

• Emotional support from others for major weight loss is uncertain.

I bolded the items which I would say apply to me.  The protective factor is one that I have spoken about here and there previously within this blog.

My maternal grandmother has struggled with obesity, my birth mom with significant weight changes (normal weight to underweight to obese to underweight to normal weight etc) and my half-sister is in a normal weight category though she has been underweight in the past.

I weighed 3 lbs and 11 oz when I was born (and yes, I was a preemie).

I was underweight as a child, normal weight as a teen (though I thought I was "fat).

I began to gain weight when I became sexually active as a teen, though not huge weight gains at that point.

I used to use alcohol and sex as a way to escape my negative emotions but once I was with Husband v1.0 (son's father) it was food that became my primary comfort/escape.

My weight jumped up when my marriage was bottoming out and my Mom died.

When I split from Hv1.0 - on the wkends when Son wasn't with me... I strayed a bit back into the drinking and sex version of comfort and escapism.

I had brought my weight down to 206.8 in 2006 but I had a bad relationship experience the end of that year and my weight began to go back up and continued to trend upwards when I got together with Hubs.

This time around I am trying to actually work through my feelings with thought, discussion, blogging and also use exercise and general activity as a method of release and that's why this time it's a permanent lifestyle change.

As well, my efforts to make myself more presentable when I face the world is something I never really tried to incorporate into my life before.

I want to set a positive example for my kids (but especially the girls since Son seems to have a fair amount of confidence in himself already whereas Step-Daughter is extremely socially awkward and has some major self-esteem issues).

Back in the day - I would work on my appearance only when I was going out clubbing - to either compete or try to keep up with my friends and/or to try to attract men.

Now I try to make an effort even if I am going out with Hubs and the kids, or my girlfriends or even just to the grocery store -- not because I want to pick someone up or anything like that but just because I think I deserve to look as pretty as I can because IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.

In that past, wanting to look good battled with an internal sense of shame... like I was being totally fake when I took some care with my appearance because I either felt that I didn't deserve to be pretty or that I was fooling myself and the rest of the world would be snickering and pointing and laughing at me.

A sad clown.

I am thankful that I don't feel that way now!