My maternal grandmother has struggled with obesity, my birth mom with significant weight changes (normal weight to underweight to obese to underweight to normal weight etc) and my half-sister is in a normal weight category though she has been underweight in the past.
I weighed 3 lbs and 11 oz when I was born (and yes, I was a preemie).
I was underweight as a child, normal weight as a teen (though I thought I was "fat).
I began to gain weight when I became sexually active as a teen, though not huge weight gains at that point.
I used to use alcohol and sex as a way to escape my negative emotions but once I was with Husband v1.0 (son's father) it was food that became my primary comfort/escape.
My weight jumped up when my marriage was bottoming out and my Mom died.
When I split from Hv1.0 - on the wkends when Son wasn't with me... I strayed a bit back into the drinking and sex version of comfort and escapism.
I had brought my weight down to 206.8 in 2006 but I had a bad relationship experience the end of that year and my weight began to go back up and continued to trend upwards when I got together with Hubs.
This time around I am trying to actually work through my feelings with thought, discussion, blogging and also use exercise and general activity as a method of release and that's why this time it's a permanent lifestyle change.
As well, my efforts to make myself more presentable when I face the world is something I never really tried to incorporate into my life before.
I want to set a positive example for my kids (but especially the girls since Son seems to have a fair amount of confidence in himself already whereas Step-Daughter is extremely socially awkward and has some major self-esteem issues).
Back in the day - I would work on my appearance only when I was going out clubbing - to either compete or try to keep up with my friends and/or to try to attract men.
Now I try to make an effort even if I am going out with Hubs and the kids, or my girlfriends or even just to the grocery store -- not because I want to pick someone up or anything like that but just because I think I deserve to look as pretty as I can because IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.
In that past, wanting to look good battled with an internal sense of shame... like I was being totally fake when I took some care with my appearance because I either felt that I didn't deserve to be pretty or that I was fooling myself and the rest of the world would be snickering and pointing and laughing at me.
A sad clown.
I am thankful that I don't feel that way now!