Ellen's Hate Loss Challenge

So here I sit, with the breast-feeding pillow propped against the computer desk and Baby Girl chomping away on me interspersed with actual nursing, while I try and sort out what I can think of to say about Ellen's hate-loss challenge so far.

It was a tough start... the fire next door, being in the hotel, dealing with stress and anxiety and a weight gain, lack of sleep, that sensation of not being in control...

It was all really hard to deal with but, much to my surprise and delight, I was able to be gentle and loving with myself.

In truth, I've handled all this WAY better than I'd have ever guessed that I would or could!

For my hate-loss challenge I am learning the following:

1. to accept compliments with grace
2. to find humour in things other than my size (it's always been an easy go-to, to make fun of my weight before anyone else can)
3. to acknowledge my inner AND my outer beauty
4. to re-connect with my creative self
5. to build my self-confidence
6. to control my panic and anxiety disorders
7. to address my issues with procrastination
8. to appreciate that my unique self is worthy of GOOD things
9. to learn to lead by example by modeling good descriptive words when I talk about myself so that the kids learn to do this too
10. to be as loving and caring and accepting of myself as I am with others

Back when I started this blog, I was the queen of negative self-talk - it was something I'd worked on in therapy before but had found extremely challenging.

Because my inner voice was composed of a few elements, actually more like feelings... panic, anxiety, fear, shame, guilt, judgment, self-deprecation and hate.

But I've been able to say, feel, think, blog and BELIEVE good things about myself so far.

I've done it in some of my blog posts so far for 2011.

Here are the highlights:

from - [http://fat-angry-blog.blogspot.com/2011/01/ok-i-weighed-in-this-morning-for-my.html]
Future Me says:  "This is a bump in the road.  It's not a sign or a portent of how the year will go, so relax for once in your life, FAB!  
Get back on track, get to the grocery store, get moving (even if it's still dealing with laundry and other fire-related aftermath) and BREATHE damn it!  
You did an awesome job in 2010 and you'll do even AWESOME-er (yes, we'll pretend that's a real word) in 2011!"

from - [http://fat-angry-blog.blogspot.com/2011/01/horrible-nights-sleep-or-lack-thereof.html]


Have a couple of pics... I know I promised at least one pic of me in my old 14s (you've seen previous attempts to get them on here in my blog before).  Though while trying to get some pics of them, I noticed something I hadn't seen before -- something I've been worried about...

Noticing what I did made me remember Ellen's "Hate Loss" challenge so I said some good and true things about myself to my reflection... rather than careening into a downward spiral of despair and negative self-talk.

*snip*

The first two are of the jeans... and yes, I look tired - I only had 3 hrs of sleep last night.

The last one is of the thing I feared -- loose skin.  1G1D1Y has a fear of this too... calls loose skin in that area "bat wings".

I hadn't noticed this on me before but here's what I said to myself, to my reflection.

• I would rather have loose skin and be at a healthier weight than I was in July.
• I am strong and brave for acknowledging my loose skin and revealing it on my blog.
• I am beautiful because I am more accepting of my authentic self which makes me love myself more.
• I have always been the person who loves and accepts others "flaws and all" and my emotional growth now has me realizing that I must treat and love myself with the same acceptance and respect that I grant others.