Why all the nightmares?

Sleep is traumatic for me lately... filled with fear, anxiety, panic, horror, confusion, entrapment, confinement without escape.

I feel like a zombie, walking around, constantly exhausted - my motivation and get-up-and-go are virtually non-existant.

The biggest stand-outs with dream horror was a portion of a dream from last wk (the rest of it was OK but the recurring refrain was of me coming up to people and saying, "I can't believe my father died on Friday and my brother died at his funeral!")

Of course, my Dad died in 1993 and my brother is still alive.

It could refer to my birth dad and one of my half-brothers but I kept feeling like it was about my Dad who raised me instead.

Last night - every time I went back to sleep I was trapped in this nightmare that began with Hubs and I walking into a store that appeared to have been cobbled together by my subconscious from 3 of the places I have worked...

• a Cdn Tire Gas Bar
• a Personal Edge store
• a Black's Photograpy store

I was dropping off a high school student I'd sourced out as an intern for the store and explained that to the manager (who in the dream was Mike, owner/operator of my fav place, Club Abstract).

Hubs was with me and we went out through the photolab and were in a garage and walked past cars up on the hoist and then we were outside, facing a mall.

We turned back and all the doors were closed so we had to make our way through the mall to find our car and get home to the kids who were being babysat by my son's godfather.

Suddenly we found ourselves out on a country road, with deep snow and no real landmarks.

There was a rundown rusted bus and we got on it to shelter ourselves from the wind.  We checked for our cell phones but they were missing.

There was a phone and I called our house to leave a message and say we needed help but then there was a young woman in dirty clothes, holding the phone cord.

I began apologizing for trespassing but all she was interested in was if we had kids.

We were taken at gunpoint to a large barn where there were a lot of people and my immediate thought was "inbred rednecks" because they were like the movie/TV show stereotype of that sort of character.

They wanted to keep us as a fresh set of breeders.

I woke up, extremely freaked out and every time I managed to get back to sleep -- I was back there again.  Without escape.  Without surcease.

I still feel like I am on maximum alert.

Since Saturday, I've been feeling like there is some major doom awaiting me and I've left the house as little as possible because I kind of feel like I am going to have a heart attack out of sheer fear at the moment.

I *KNOW* this is illogical but I am not willing to try to force myself out of it, I am going to treat myself gently over the next few days and keep reading, "Depressed & Anxious - The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook for overcoming Depression & Anxiety."

It could even be that reading the book itself is behind this wall of panic surrounding me... I really don't know.

If I can just make it through Xmas and get to that first therapy appointment on the 28th, I'm sure I'll start getting a handle on things again.

The other night I had to have one of those hard cries, the kind where it feels like there is a ball of steel wool jammed down your throat and your emotions have to slide past it, tasting of bile and blood and metal.

It's funny how I can manage to write things here when I get the nerve to do so but it's so incredibly hard and EMBARRASSING to try and explain in person to those I care about.

Though even writing this entry has my stomach churning like I am about to start projectile vomitting.

My head aches, my heart is pounding and I just don't want to talk to ANYONE right now...

I am still alive - just struggling

So, instead of keeping my promise to post once a week - instead I got sucked further and further into depression, stress and anxiety.

My relationship with Hubs has been extremely crappy, though I am hopeful that a lengthy conversation we had the other night will keep us in a better head-space with one another.

I just could NOT come on here and even attempt to post with Hubs and I getting into multiple arguments per day.

Him still being jobless and constantly feeling bad about himself and life really generated a negative cycle with a life of its own that impacted me so that I also got worse and reactionary and really, it has just been a really tough time.

And what do I do during a tough time?

I find forms of escapism.

Eating, drinking, general avoidance of some things and throwing myself into things designed to distract me from my unhappiness and my pain.

If I don't stop this fucked up ride I'm on now - I'll keep re-gaining the weight that I lost and that, in turn, will feed (what a great word, eh?) my negative pattern cycle.

THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE!!!

Surprisingly, I can still manage to feel hopeful.

Yesterday was the first day in AGES (at least a month, honestly) where Hubs and I did not have one single argument.

I'd like to repeat that today and let this be the beginning of a new, more positive and loving time for Hubs and I and our relationship.

I believe if I can reduce my negative experiences and feelings that I can regain control over my emotional eating/self-destructive behaviours.

And I am pretty embarrassed to post this.

But - there it is.

I've been a bit quiet - sorry about that

I've been having a rather emotional week and not in a way that I really knew how to express how I was feeling.

I also had some eating issues and had an uptick but then dropped 2 days in a row so I am now under my last posted weigh-in weight.

weight:  214.8 lbs

There have been a number of times since my epihany post where I found myself feeling very vulnerable and emotionally fragile.  Lots of moments where a sudden thought would have tears welling up in my eyes, waiting to fall.

But I didn't WANT to weep.

And I didn't WANT to eat.

And once I figured those two things out, I started feeling a bit more like myself again.

I think I'll chalk this one up to changing hormones.

re: blog reading --- I'm behind on that too so if there's any post you really want me to read and/or comment on let me know about it in a comment here on via email.

Thanks!

I also have a little update on goal clothing...

I posted the following pics on Jan 19, 2011.

I took the next two photos YESTERDAY...

They are still too tight to wear comfortably but look at this...

It's been a bit of a day...

Hubs has been gone since before 9 a.m. (had to drive Step-Daughter home and then he went to some sports card show near TO).

Baby Girl is napping.

Son was making me NUTSO today! I kept asking him (and then telling him) to be quiet because he was really rambuntious and noisy today and I was just too tired and headachey to listen to it.

I put on some movies so he and I could cuddle but he just was super-hyper today.

Now he is out sledding with his friends and their parents, who are in the BFF crew and are also Baby Girl's godparents.

I've been moving furniture all afternoon trying to decide what I wanted to do in the living room since our aforementioned BFFs called and asked if we wanted one of those cabinets that you can put a TV in.

I said yes and then realized that gave me an excuse to try to mess around with the layout in here.

However; the layout of our townhouse is kind of odd (imo) and makes it tricky to deal with.

Anyway, so I did moved a few things (some more than once) before I finally decided what I wanted to do in here and then I decided to dust a couple of things.

*pauses*

*waits for collective gasp of disbelief from my IRL peeps who read this blog*

Yes, that's what I said.

So I dusted off a wine decanter that's also a music box (that plays "How Dry I Am") which is the only memento I have of my late godparents.

Then I dusted off a bell, a photo frame and an angel.

All of those items relate to my late Mom.

The bell always resided in one of her china cabinets when I was a kid - I thought it was a bell that I had bought for her as a gift when I was little but I suspect the one I gave her was broken at some point in time and this is one from somewhere else.

The photo frame has a 5x7 that I took of Mom holding Son (a larger version of the photo was placed atop her coffin during her funeral) and a 5x7 of Son at Mom's grave when he was a little older.

The angel is one of four keepsakes from her coffin. The one we picked out for her funeral had 4 removable angels as keepsakes so each of us has one.

And I just started bawling.

It kind of hit me all over again just how much it sucks that my Mom is gone and that she isn't here, in the physical sense, to see how her favourite "Little Man" is growing up and that Baby Girl is never going to be rocked by her Grandma H. in the rocking chair where all the other grandchildren were rocked at one point in time.

And I haven't cried like this in awhile.

Since the tears started, my nose has been running like crazy and I'm having to still cry quietly because I don't want to wake up Baby Girl but I really feel like just blubbering like a little kid.

And instead of grabbing comfort food - I'm blogging.

A good question

Goodbye Mirror asked me the following question within her reply to my previous blog post:

"...Since you asked a question on my blog, I think I am going to return the favor. :)
How do you blog about something personal (such as weight loss or religion), and try to keep your emotions in check?"


And here is my response (since I thought it was long enough to be used as a new post, even though I still have it as a comment on the previous post but here I corrected my typo - LOL!).

OK and now for the good question...

How do I blog about anything personal and try to keep my emotions in check?

Well, that's a tough one.

Truly.

I realize that putting my thoughts and feelings out here mean that I could get comments or replies that I don't care for or that may well be hurtful.

I try to find the spirit within which the comments or remarks are intended, and if they are meant to be helpful and out of a place of kindness, love and genuine concern, I try to respond in kind and moderate my response and literary "tone" for internet consumption.

Does that make sense?

Whereas, when it is meant in a hurtful way or is indicative of a manner that a person always uses - I equate it to rudeness, a superiority complex, or just someone being (or trying to be) a bully and in that circumstance - I don't care what someone like that thinks because that is not the sort of person/blog/energy that I want around me.

If the words come from someone I cannot respect, then why should those words have meaning to me?

I find it easier to make that separation or distinction when it comes to the internet and find it far more difficult when dealing with people in "the real world" - but does that help explain it?

I hate the feel of a migraine in the morning (Day 137)

weight: 230.6 lbs  <--- edited from 231.4 after I had a bowel movement - LOL!

My head is throbbing fiercely this morning.  My stomach is churning and I feel rather awful.  My throat is sore again (it had been feeling marginally improved on Saturday and Sunday) - though that could be because of a lengthy phone call I had with my friend last night.

I think I am going to have some lemon and honey with hot water - or maybe do it like I did previously by also adding some apple cider vinegar and cinnamon because I actually enjoyed the taste of that concoction more than just the honey, lemon juice and water.

I wasn't online much yesterday.  It turned into more of a mental health day for me and I spent the day reading a few books, plus feeding and cuddling Baby Girl.

Last night Son wanted some Mommy cuddle time one-on-one so we had a nice cuddle and a talk for 45 minutes before he went to bed.

Baby Girl was still stubborn about sleeping, though not quite as bad as she was the night before.

Tonight 1G1D1Y and M and myself are getting together to work out again so I need to feel better by 7 p.m. because it was really fun the other night, way more emotionally safe than boot camp, but we still worked out and worked up a good sweat.

The only awkward thing was getting the stuff from my place to the community center.  I need to find my back pack (which 1G1D1Y gave me for when I went into the hospital to have Baby Girl) and try carrying some of the items that way tonight...

I think I will get around to watching last wk's eps of Vampire Diaries, Supernatural & Smallville this morning while I drink something for my throat and then take some meds for my head.

Edited to add: I joined a challenge posted by my blogosphere friend, Ellen... please join it with me!

It's kind of odd

So when I started this blog, I thought I was probably going to be very potty-mouthed and negative because that's how I've been in the past when I've tried to lose weight.

Hence the name "Fat Angry Blog" -- but what I've found so far is that rather than being angry about my weight or angry at the world at large -- I'm not even as angry or mean to myself as I've been in the past.

I really do feel that my attitude is more positive this time around (or at least, positive in comparison to the way I normally think about things since I am a glass half-empty sort of girl) and if I was really angry at anyone, it was probably misdirected anger that I didn't want to throw at myself.

Hubs and I walked Son to school this morning with Baby Girl in the stroller. Then we walked from the school over to Starbucks, Hubs had coffee and I had a non-fat chocolate banana vivanno smoothie with 2 tsp of cinnamon blended in.

Then we walked home.

I find it odd that I can walk Son to and from school on an empty stomach but when I've tried to get on the elliptical on an empty stomach I get dizzy, nauseous and have even thrown up.

I had heard that if you workout before eating, you burn more fat and I still have a lot of fat to burn.

And I know this might sound ridiculous but I am going to google the proper usage of ankle/wrist weights.

I use them on my ankles on the elliptical (which is getting quieter the more I use it) and I had them on my wrists this morning for 20 minutes of the 44 minutes of walking I did but I wasn't sure if I should just be swinging my arms naturally or if that was an actual beneficial position to have my arms in while wearing them.

Surprisingly and happily, I lost a little more weight today (though I did drink more water yesterday than I've been doing lately). So perhaps that helped.

weight: 247.4 lbs

In reading some of the other blogs of people on a weight loss journey I keep coming across information about loose skin.

When I went from 272 lbs down to 206 over a couple of years, I didn't notice anything like that. But then, at 206, I didn't notice much of a change in how I looked in comparison photos either.

I am really scared about that this time around though since now I've had two pregnancies, 2 c-sections and I have noticed that my tummy doesn't appear to be changing, even though I've lost 30 lbs since July 23rd.

And my highest recorded weight of this year was 296 but I think it's likely I topped 300 lbs before I had Baby Girl.

I was talking to Hubs about the idea of a gym membership because I am going to need to do strength training to improve my lean muscle mass and with winter approaching, I know my motivation in all areas of life tend to lessen.

The fact that I am now taking Vitamin D may help this - I can say that I have been feeling a bit more LEVEL lately but we'll see, as right now the weather is good, the air smells like leaves and it's my favourite time of the year.

I was going to write more but I think I just suffered a brain fart. Totally lost my train of thought. I blame the children's programming I have on for Baby Girl right now.