Day 117 -- Hubs let me sleep in!

Good morning, here I am, rolling out of bed at almost 10:30 a.m.

I'm nursing Baby Girl as I type.

Weight:  237.4 lbs

Yesterday was a rough day.  Son had an issue at school, an old friend had to finally decide to discontinue efforts to keep his father alive, and I felt kind of crappy all day but I still went to boot camp.

And I am glad that I did (although I am a bit sore today).

My friend losing his father was the worst... I have met his father only a few times during a friendship that spans 16 years and his Dad was very cool, and funny :)

After boot camp last night I had a bit of a cry on the drive home and I deliberately drove past the house I grew up in and gave into some sadness about the loss of my own parents.

Then I came home, had a post workout smoothie and caught up on some of the shows on my PVR.

My first night of Ultra Camp aka the longest fitness test EVER (and a Blog Hop)

So we had to do a fitness test tonight. And I misunderstood at first and thought that our results were all going to be compared to one another and I kicked into anxiety mode.

After Monday and Tuesday night at Emergency First Aid and CPR-B training and certification, I've already been keyed up and this added to it.

The funny thing was - I was really scared about all the parts that involved using my arms but I mistakenly thought I would ace the leg stuff.

Colour me WRONG! I did a decent job at the push-ups and the plank stance thingy (sorry, I don't remember all the names) where I had to hold myself on one arm and lift a weight with my other hand but the backward lunges and the getting right down on the floor (on my front) and back up again all those times really sucked away my time.

As well, the side-to-side jumping over the rolled mat was harder than I thought.

For some reason I did OK with jumping forward and backwards with my feet together but side-to-side, I would get scared about injuring my ankles and I could not keep my feet together.

So I have feet issues. Well, really it's more about my ankles. I don't even know how many times I've had sprained ankles in my life - it's happened that often (and this started when I was a skinny, scrawny kid).

We did some squat things too.

I managed to calm down after 2 near panic/anxiety attacks.

But holy crap, my negative self-talk was back from vacation in full force. I've been doing pretty damn good with laying off the negative self-talk but egads, it was nasty!

It was bitching away at me as I was struggling to complete these movements:

"You look like an idiot."
"Everyone is looking at you."
"They're all going to laugh at you." <-- yes, it was even in Piper Laurie's voice circa the movie "Carrie."
"You can't do this."
"You should be ashamed of yourself."
"You're a joke."
"You're disgusting."
"You're a loser."

So I was trying to squelch the voice, keep focused on what I was doing and not go full-blown into an attack and/or start crying.

Anyway, my fit-test time was 8:01 and at the last class we'll be re-doing them and testing against our own time.

We also ran back and forth across the room (I was speed-walking) and then we were supposed to run up 3 flights of stairs and then back down again (I had to walk it).

My knees felt like they were vibrating and my thighs felt like rubber bands that someone was twanging.

I was also nervous about my knees as they've never been the best since a bully shoved me down the stairs when I was in Grade 7.

I did not realize that boot camp would make me feel so emotional.

I am glad I went, am proud that I did it and I WILL get better, stronger and faster!

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Now, the latest blog hop

It's kind of odd

So when I started this blog, I thought I was probably going to be very potty-mouthed and negative because that's how I've been in the past when I've tried to lose weight.

Hence the name "Fat Angry Blog" -- but what I've found so far is that rather than being angry about my weight or angry at the world at large -- I'm not even as angry or mean to myself as I've been in the past.

I really do feel that my attitude is more positive this time around (or at least, positive in comparison to the way I normally think about things since I am a glass half-empty sort of girl) and if I was really angry at anyone, it was probably misdirected anger that I didn't want to throw at myself.

Hubs and I walked Son to school this morning with Baby Girl in the stroller. Then we walked from the school over to Starbucks, Hubs had coffee and I had a non-fat chocolate banana vivanno smoothie with 2 tsp of cinnamon blended in.

Then we walked home.

I find it odd that I can walk Son to and from school on an empty stomach but when I've tried to get on the elliptical on an empty stomach I get dizzy, nauseous and have even thrown up.

I had heard that if you workout before eating, you burn more fat and I still have a lot of fat to burn.

And I know this might sound ridiculous but I am going to google the proper usage of ankle/wrist weights.

I use them on my ankles on the elliptical (which is getting quieter the more I use it) and I had them on my wrists this morning for 20 minutes of the 44 minutes of walking I did but I wasn't sure if I should just be swinging my arms naturally or if that was an actual beneficial position to have my arms in while wearing them.

Surprisingly and happily, I lost a little more weight today (though I did drink more water yesterday than I've been doing lately). So perhaps that helped.

weight: 247.4 lbs

In reading some of the other blogs of people on a weight loss journey I keep coming across information about loose skin.

When I went from 272 lbs down to 206 over a couple of years, I didn't notice anything like that. But then, at 206, I didn't notice much of a change in how I looked in comparison photos either.

I am really scared about that this time around though since now I've had two pregnancies, 2 c-sections and I have noticed that my tummy doesn't appear to be changing, even though I've lost 30 lbs since July 23rd.

And my highest recorded weight of this year was 296 but I think it's likely I topped 300 lbs before I had Baby Girl.

I was talking to Hubs about the idea of a gym membership because I am going to need to do strength training to improve my lean muscle mass and with winter approaching, I know my motivation in all areas of life tend to lessen.

The fact that I am now taking Vitamin D may help this - I can say that I have been feeling a bit more LEVEL lately but we'll see, as right now the weather is good, the air smells like leaves and it's my favourite time of the year.

I was going to write more but I think I just suffered a brain fart. Totally lost my train of thought. I blame the children's programming I have on for Baby Girl right now.