Hate-loss challenge update & NSVs

So, I guess my post about this will largely be the fact that I bought a sexy bra and matching panties yesterday to wear for Hubs last night since it was our anniversary.

First time I've worn something sexy in a few years.

I bought two new pairs of exercise pants yesterday - size LARGE since my XXLs and my XLs keep falling down.

And I was also able to wear Hubs winter jacket ZIPPED UP!!!  When I bought it for him a couple of months ago, I couldn't come close to zipping it up.

I think, overall, my mood is better and more positive.  I did have a tough time when trying to find some sports bras that I would like and that would really cut down on the "movement" and I am still SOL on that front.

Although being positive about MYSELF does not come naturally to me -- it is getting easier.

And I am getting a lot better at accepting compliments.

My 1st vlog! + Hate loss update

Short but I really didn't know what to do. It's still finishing loading or something on youtube so the quality might be a bit funny when I first post it.

So yes, a bunch of us went to the rec center this morning.

It was Hubs, 1G1D1Y & M (her maid of honour) + M's adorable baby, S-girl, Baby Girl and D.

I also snapped a couple of pics (not of the other ladies though)...

So I have to say re: Hate-Loss challenge

I am feeling pretty damn good about myself this week.

I have done some RUNNING. Me. RUNNING!!!

You have no idea how amazing that is to me.

Yeah, I'm a little bummed that my weight loss is a little slow right now but I am still losing and I might well be gaining lean muscle mass.

BTW - weight: 221.2 lbs

So - basically - go me! Hurray!!! 

P.S. Have to remember when the track is closed...


Friday January 21, 2011      - 4pm-Close
Saturday January 22, 2011  - 12pm-5pm
Sunday January 23, 2011  - 12pm-5pm
Thursday January 27, 2011 - 5pm-Close
Friday January 28, 2011 - 5pm-Close
Saturday January 29, 2011 - 5pm-Close
Sunday January 30, 2011- 11am-5pm

Hate-Loss Challenge - Week 2

weight: 223.4 lbs

I've been having a harder time this week.

Being more active makes me more conscious of my stomach skin apron.  I am seriously considering looking into a panniculectomy once I am at a and maintaining a healthy weight since I believe it is covered by OHIP.

But when I went out walking with 1G1D1Y and M. last night (I did 4 k!) I was talking about how I've been feeling and 1G1D1Y suggested that because I am doing this Hate-Loss challenge that maybe I'm having a subconscious struggle with my previously mentioned first set-back/gain in that I am trying hard not to say things like "it sucks" etc...

I'm also having some struggles with Hubs as he's been feeling very amorous and I have not been feeling that way.  I've always had some issues with being seen naked during acts of intimacy.  Even when I was what, in hindsight, I'd call skinny.

And I'm finding that it's bothering me more lately - so there are a myriad of reasons I am not feeling uber-sexy (I don't feel like dissecting them all at the moment) and frankly, that's kind of odd for me because large or skinny - I've always had a pretty active sex drive once I became sexually active.

I think this week, I will have to own feeling like a hate-loss failure.

Next week will be better, I am sure.

A tough time with Hate-Loss today

So today we went to Son's Kung Fu awards/holiday party.

Before we left the house, I was feeling pretty good about myself... I thought I looked pretty and that my outfit was flattering and I didn't know if any of the parents we are close to were going to be attending (they actually did not attend) but I felt OK confidence-wise for being around people I don't know.

Well we got there and of course, there is a wall of mirrors in there which is handy during the classes but it hit me like a punch in the gut.

I have lost all this weight and I was still the heaviest woman there!!!

Seeing all the "normal-sized" woman and the really fit women and then the teen girls made me feel ashamed of myself.

Ashamed of how big I still am and how unhealthy I let myself become.

I had that moment of shame, and actually was afraid that I was going to burst into tears.

BUT

I told Hubs how I was feeling... I took a deep breath and then I remembered how I felt in that same place during the Halloween party of 2009 when I was pregnant.

I even thought about how I felt in that same place during Son's last couple of gradings.

I look SO MUCH BETTER than I did before and I reminded myself that I didn't have to compare myself to anyone else... and I reminded myself to BE PROUD of everything I've done so far.

Ellen's Hate Loss Challenge

So here I sit, with the breast-feeding pillow propped against the computer desk and Baby Girl chomping away on me interspersed with actual nursing, while I try and sort out what I can think of to say about Ellen's hate-loss challenge so far.

It was a tough start... the fire next door, being in the hotel, dealing with stress and anxiety and a weight gain, lack of sleep, that sensation of not being in control...

It was all really hard to deal with but, much to my surprise and delight, I was able to be gentle and loving with myself.

In truth, I've handled all this WAY better than I'd have ever guessed that I would or could!

For my hate-loss challenge I am learning the following:

1. to accept compliments with grace
2. to find humour in things other than my size (it's always been an easy go-to, to make fun of my weight before anyone else can)
3. to acknowledge my inner AND my outer beauty
4. to re-connect with my creative self
5. to build my self-confidence
6. to control my panic and anxiety disorders
7. to address my issues with procrastination
8. to appreciate that my unique self is worthy of GOOD things
9. to learn to lead by example by modeling good descriptive words when I talk about myself so that the kids learn to do this too
10. to be as loving and caring and accepting of myself as I am with others

Back when I started this blog, I was the queen of negative self-talk - it was something I'd worked on in therapy before but had found extremely challenging.

Because my inner voice was composed of a few elements, actually more like feelings... panic, anxiety, fear, shame, guilt, judgment, self-deprecation and hate.

But I've been able to say, feel, think, blog and BELIEVE good things about myself so far.

I've done it in some of my blog posts so far for 2011.

Here are the highlights:

from - [http://fat-angry-blog.blogspot.com/2011/01/ok-i-weighed-in-this-morning-for-my.html]
Future Me says:  "This is a bump in the road.  It's not a sign or a portent of how the year will go, so relax for once in your life, FAB!  
Get back on track, get to the grocery store, get moving (even if it's still dealing with laundry and other fire-related aftermath) and BREATHE damn it!  
You did an awesome job in 2010 and you'll do even AWESOME-er (yes, we'll pretend that's a real word) in 2011!"

from - [http://fat-angry-blog.blogspot.com/2011/01/horrible-nights-sleep-or-lack-thereof.html]


Have a couple of pics... I know I promised at least one pic of me in my old 14s (you've seen previous attempts to get them on here in my blog before).  Though while trying to get some pics of them, I noticed something I hadn't seen before -- something I've been worried about...

Noticing what I did made me remember Ellen's "Hate Loss" challenge so I said some good and true things about myself to my reflection... rather than careening into a downward spiral of despair and negative self-talk.

*snip*

The first two are of the jeans... and yes, I look tired - I only had 3 hrs of sleep last night.

The last one is of the thing I feared -- loose skin.  1G1D1Y has a fear of this too... calls loose skin in that area "bat wings".

I hadn't noticed this on me before but here's what I said to myself, to my reflection.

• I would rather have loose skin and be at a healthier weight than I was in July.
• I am strong and brave for acknowledging my loose skin and revealing it on my blog.
• I am beautiful because I am more accepting of my authentic self which makes me love myself more.
• I have always been the person who loves and accepts others "flaws and all" and my emotional growth now has me realizing that I must treat and love myself with the same acceptance and respect that I grant others.