My stress list and then, to end on a higher note, a NSV!

Horrible night's sleep last night...

Lots of odd, disjointed dreams.

Cranky, cranky Baby Girl and Son has a seal-like cough, is pale and clammy to the touch with a low fever.

So I'm keeping him home today in the hopes of nipping whatever he's got in the bud.

***

I am feeling a bit better re: my missing my Mom breakdown yesterday.

She died Nov 2, 2004.  Terminal bone cancer which had metastasized from her breast.

I did surprisingly well this year on the anniversary of her death but then lately, I've been feeling things building up just from all over.

Stressors like:

• Son's issues with being bullied at school and then getting caught when he retaliates instead of walking away
• Baby Girl's lack of regular sleep during the night
• Hubs and his on-going attempts to find and secure employment
• Dealing with Step-Daughter's mother!!!
• Worrying about my newest great-nephew and on whether or not my niece will choose to (or be allowed to choose) whether or not she will place him for adoption or not (there are other factors involved with this that I won't get into on my blog)
• The death of my friend's dad and subsequent discussions about that sad event really brought back a lot of things about the deaths of both of my parents

But I do not want to end this post on a down note so here is an NSV (only because I'm not sure at which weight I would have first fit into this).

A few Xmases ago, Hubs was looking for a present for me so I found some PJs that I liked.  The PJs were purchased although the size inside the PJs did not match the larger size listed on the hanger.

I had never been able to wear them until I thought to try them on this weekend.

The size inside says 2x but they must be small fitting since my other PJs are now 1x (and I have one pair that are XL that fit).

It's been a bit of a day...

Hubs has been gone since before 9 a.m. (had to drive Step-Daughter home and then he went to some sports card show near TO).

Baby Girl is napping.

Son was making me NUTSO today! I kept asking him (and then telling him) to be quiet because he was really rambuntious and noisy today and I was just too tired and headachey to listen to it.

I put on some movies so he and I could cuddle but he just was super-hyper today.

Now he is out sledding with his friends and their parents, who are in the BFF crew and are also Baby Girl's godparents.

I've been moving furniture all afternoon trying to decide what I wanted to do in the living room since our aforementioned BFFs called and asked if we wanted one of those cabinets that you can put a TV in.

I said yes and then realized that gave me an excuse to try to mess around with the layout in here.

However; the layout of our townhouse is kind of odd (imo) and makes it tricky to deal with.

Anyway, so I did moved a few things (some more than once) before I finally decided what I wanted to do in here and then I decided to dust a couple of things.

*pauses*

*waits for collective gasp of disbelief from my IRL peeps who read this blog*

Yes, that's what I said.

So I dusted off a wine decanter that's also a music box (that plays "How Dry I Am") which is the only memento I have of my late godparents.

Then I dusted off a bell, a photo frame and an angel.

All of those items relate to my late Mom.

The bell always resided in one of her china cabinets when I was a kid - I thought it was a bell that I had bought for her as a gift when I was little but I suspect the one I gave her was broken at some point in time and this is one from somewhere else.

The photo frame has a 5x7 that I took of Mom holding Son (a larger version of the photo was placed atop her coffin during her funeral) and a 5x7 of Son at Mom's grave when he was a little older.

The angel is one of four keepsakes from her coffin. The one we picked out for her funeral had 4 removable angels as keepsakes so each of us has one.

And I just started bawling.

It kind of hit me all over again just how much it sucks that my Mom is gone and that she isn't here, in the physical sense, to see how her favourite "Little Man" is growing up and that Baby Girl is never going to be rocked by her Grandma H. in the rocking chair where all the other grandchildren were rocked at one point in time.

And I haven't cried like this in awhile.

Since the tears started, my nose has been running like crazy and I'm having to still cry quietly because I don't want to wake up Baby Girl but I really feel like just blubbering like a little kid.

And instead of grabbing comfort food - I'm blogging.

It's a Pepsi day

I always toast in my Mom's memory on her birthday, on Mother's Day and on the anniversary of her death.

It was a Tuesday, like today, and I had spent the night at her bedside. Two of my siblings were staying at the hospital that night as well, because we had known the end was near since just before Halloween.

Her body was shutting down and had been ravaged by cancer.

The night before, she'd eaten a large supper (more than she had in a month) and eagerly consumed her favourite pop, Pepsi.

The last words my mother spoke, that could be understood were, "I'll never say no to a Pepsi."

It was hard for everyone.

I often think it was hardest on me because, as the much younger and adopted child - I only had 32 years with my Mom (and a mere 20 with my Dad) but I had my parents when they were older and mellower.

The parents I had were not quite the same as they were for my much older siblings so there was a disparity there, in sharing memories, because the images of our Mom came together in some circumstances but were quite different in others.

Son wasn't even 3 yet when she passed. But she adored him.

So I have a can of Pepsi in my fridge, and when Son gets home from school - Hubs and I will pour the can into three glasses (Son's will have the least since I rarely give him pop) and we will have a toast to my mother's memory.

I wish she could have met Hubs.

I know she would be over the moon about how Son is growing up and she'd be so tickled about Baby Girl...

She wasn't a very emotional person or an affectionate one with us kids but her grandchildren always got the best of who she was and who she could have been.

And I miss her.

She would be shocked that I've been going to boot camp. And she'd be pleased that I've been losing weight but she'd tell me to be cautious and to not get my hopes up and to not be too ambitious about getting in shape.

But my journey is not for my late Mom - it's for me, it's for my kids, it's for Hubs it's for my LIFE.