Saturday, April 23, 2011

A little tired

So when I went out to do my Couch to 5K training with K. on Thursday - I had a mishap.

Not exactly sure what happened but suddenly I had massive pain in my left calf. I can best describe it as follows:

Imagine, if you will, a tennis ball, then carve it so there is a mouth (so it resembles Pac Man or Ms. Pac Man) and then imagine that the mouth is filled with sharp, pointed teeth.

Now imagine that it has eaten partway into my calf (like a pirhana) but has stopped and continues to keep its jaw clenched in bite mode halfway through my calf.

And then imagine that, even now, a few days later, I'm still slightly limping and it ACHES.

So yeah -- that's how I am feeling and it sucks.

Have also realized, with some fear, trepidation and nervousness that my official one year date rapidly approaches (July 23, 2011 is my blogiversary).

And I *must* be down almost 30 more lbs by then to achieve a 100 lb loss in a one year time frame.

I was out with 1G1D1Y earlier today and I told her that I have this crazy thought that if I don't hit 100 lbs down in one year that, despite everything I've done, that I'll feel like I've failed.

Those of you who have stuck with me for some time will recall that I tend to look at every loss as a good loss and that when I've missed goals, I've been happy when I've eventually gotten to them.

So why this feeling and why now?

Is it (like so much of my stress and feelings of depression) tied to the continued state of joblessness that Hubs is in?

Because I can state that this continued struggle for him to find employment is the biggest source of stress in my life at the moment.

And I feel like I can't even really plan other activities for myself. Because I can't do something like sign up for a new exercise class or dance-related class because I have no idea when or if Hubs will be working and I don't want to commit to something and then have Hubs get a job that conflicts with what I want to do.

This makes me feel trapped and like I have NO CONTROL and *that* seriously PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grr Arrgh!

Hence why I've been a bit quieter on the blog because I'd much rather be positive when I share things on here.

Being positive is part of the changes I am making with myself.

Ask those who've known me for years and years and they will tell you that I am a self-depreciating, perky CYNIC! I know it sounds like a strange combo, but that really is what I've been like for as long as I can remember.

I uploaded a pic I took in 2008 as my background image... here's what it looks like...

And, to end off, here's a pic of my wee girl asleep on me that my friend B. took the other week...

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