Beauty is in the eye of the beholder part 3

Part 1
Part 2

So we left off the year that I got together with Hubs.

I had a lot of baggage building up. And the thankfully short but abusive relationship I was in before I met Hubs had re-awakened a lot of the things I'd been avoiding.

You see, I was raised with the mantra, "We don't talk about our feelings."

I'm not kidding.

Even back when my Dad died, my Mom cried one night and then never wanted to talk about it again.

She told me that when things were making me unhappy I shouldn't think about them. That you just imagine that you are putting them in the back of the closet and never think about them again.

So that's what I did with SO MUCH STUFF for as far back as I can remember.

Childhood abuse (physical, mental, sexual) instigated by a bully that went on from the time I was in kindergarten until Grade 6.

Stuff it in the closet.

Being date-raped by more than one person, having physically and emotionally abusive boyfriends, suffering from low self-esteem...

Stuff it in the closet.

But the closet got full so then I started eating for comfort and eating my feelings and that pattern is so deeply ingrained in me that it's surprisingly easy to fall back into.

So even though I was happy with Hubs overall, even though we were having some tough times financially and such, that last relationship before Hubs was having an impact.

My panic and anxiety issues started getting worse again and I was piling on the weight (you can see in this photo, I'd gone up to 237 lbs.

237 lbs

I was also having a really hard time dealing with the fact that I wasn't going to have anymore children. I had always imagined myself having 3 children - even back when I was in high school.

I'd wanted a girl, a boy and then one more child.

Of course, having had Son and being told that was it for me I had been resigned myself to only having one child.

But when Hubs and I got together and since he had Step-daughter -- I now had my girl, followed in age by my boy and I spent a lot of my time in therapy in 2008 talking about the fact that I really wished that Hubs and I could have a baby.

This was also compounded by the fact that I had to have a LEEP due to CIN II cells and my OBGYN said that I could have another child, although he recommended I get under 200 lbs, and that I'd have to have a scheduled c-section and be closely monitored if I chose to do it.

Hubs did not want to have a baby. He felt that we were too old.

265 lbs

So I ate more of my feelings and was up into the 260s by Dec 2008.

Hubs was working and had benefits so I started seeing someone re: weight loss.

I'd only gotten down to 257 lbs when Hubs was out of work again in early 2009.

No more benefits and I tend to take on the feelings of my environment.  Hubs was down and depressed and so was I.

Then, in June something surprising happened.  I found out I was pregnant.

It wasn't planned.  It was a shock and a surprise.  I was thrilled!  Hubs was wrapping his head around it all when less than a week later, on June 10th, I was at work and I started cramping.

I left work in tears, with a DR appt scheduled and fear in my heart.

I lost the baby.

I was about 5 weeks along but I was crushed.  Hubs was upset too, as he had really just started moving from surprise to excitement when it happened.

I blamed my weight.

I thought that I was being punished by the universe.

I held one small hope that, because of my age, that maybe I might have been pregnant with twins and only lost one - but an ultrasound confirmed that I was 100% no longer pregnant.

The DR told us that, should we decide to try, that I should wait until I had 3 "normal" menstrual cycles before doing so.

Truly, I had never felt so broken in my entire life.  Through all the shit I've survived - this was the worst.  I felt like my body was my enemy more than I ever had before.

Hubs and I did the deed ONCE a couple of weeks after the miscarriage, using a condom, just so I could try to find some joy in myself again.

My period never came back.  Though I was still tired, and feeling sick.  My DR told me it could take some time for my hormones (and myself) to get back to normal.

I wondered whether it was possible for a miscarriage to start off menopause or perimenopause.

On Sept 27th, I had a craving for a McDonald's caramel sundae.  Something I hadn't eaten since back when I was pregnant with Son.

When I woke up the next morning, I had one unused pregnancy test from when I had the miscarriage and it turned out to be positive.

I went in for an ultrasound a couple of days later and it turned out that I was 13 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

Oct 2009 - at a friend's wedding reception

Of course I was still really heavy.

And I got heavier as my pregnancy progressed.

This pic is one taken a few weeks before I had Baby Girl.

285 lbs

I was 285 lbs and almost 36 weeks pregnant.

My last recorded weight was 296 lbs and that was 15 days before I had Baby Girl.

I think I probably hit the low 300s - but I don't actually know.

I didn't lose a lot of weight when I had Baby Girl though...

I am smiling because I'd been really afraid that I was going to die or that something was going to happen to Baby Girl (though until she was taken out, we didn't know if we were going to be adding a boy or a girl to our family).

Also, the drugs might have helped.

But I felt really disconnected a lot of the time from when they first started trying to get my spinal done correctly until a few MONTHS after Baby Girl was at home with us.

I can't say that it was postpartum depression but it was certainly an ODD feeling.  And it was on-going.

When I was first home, I had only gone down to 286 lbs and I didn't really try to lose weight because I was feeling so disconnected from even myself.

I ate sporadically.  Some days I barely ate and some days I gorged.

Aug 1, 2010 - 276.4 lbs

On July 23, 2010 - I had a bit of a mental breakdown and started this blog because I was done with it.

Done with being large.

Done with being unhappy.

Done with being unhealthy.

I was finally ready to make a real change, a real difference in my life.

For myself, for my kids, for Hubs.



But the big push was the fact that I haven't felt like my true self in a very long time.


Sometimes I wonder if I ever did feel RIGHT in my body.

After all, if I look back at these 3 posts, I can see these pictures and from where I am now - I view myself different than I did when they were taken.

Even differently from when I looked at them before.

Fact - I don't see much of a difference (except in my face) when I am over 200 lbs.  Whether it's 206 or 285.  When I am not pregnant, the more I go over 200 lbs, I become more pear-shaped rather than having an hour-glass shape.

Fact - In hindsight, I can see that I was always "cute" and I was not hideous or monstrous at any age, weight or shape.

Fact - Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and now, I can honestly say, I can see beauty in myself in all of the photos.

Not manufactured, not skin deep, not fleeting or false.

Just real.

249.6 lbs - October 9, 2010 - myself & Baby Girl

But this isn't about beauty.  This is about getting healthier in more than just a physical way.

This is about feeling as connected within and to my own body as I feel connected with my parental bond to the kids.

So I can be here for them as long as I can.

Thanks for reading all this.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder part 2

So, the last pic in the previous post was taken in 1995.

That was 2 years after my Dad died and I had started drinking excessively from that point in 1993 until a brush with alcohol poisoning in 1998 (if I am recalling the year correctly). Although I had been drinking on a regular basis since I was 15 or 16 but not as much as I was after Dad died.

I spent a large chunk of time dancing at goth/alternative bars and clubs, drinking like crazy and eating and sleeping like crap along with some other unhealthy behaviour.



This one is when I was 140 lbs in 1996. I was gaining about 5 lbs per year at that point but it seemed to be showing up in my chest and my ass so it didn't really concern me because my bf at the time thought I could be chestier (I think I was a C cup then).

Of course that bf and I didn't have a healthy relationship and it didn't last (thankfully).













This one was taken in 1999 and I was 160 lbs (I'm the one in the red dress).


When I am on the elliptical now, I imagine my legs becoming more like they were in this picture.

If we had a TARDIS (aka time machine for you non-Doctor Who fans) and went back to then, I'd have told you that I was fat and overweight because my DR thought I should be 130 lbs at my height.

Plus the majority of my female friends weighed less than I did and wore smaller clothing sizes.

Now we'll jump ahead to early 2000. My DR had decided that I had been on the pill for too long and had suggested that I switch to Depo-Provera

Though I didn't see it mentioned there if you google "Depo-Provera weight gain" you'll see a lot fo people talking about it.

As a migraine headache sufferer - I should have never been told to try it.

I put on 40 lbs in 2-3 months and had heavy bleeding and period issues for just over a year after the ONE SINGLE SHOT I took.

So, when I married Son's father in 2001 - I was 200 lbs.

6 months later, just after I'd gotten fed up with my position as a retail store manager and had a resurgence of some of my panic and anxiety issues and about a week before Son's father was fired from his job -- I found out I was pregnant.

It was not a pleasant pregnancy. I was very, very sick. All-day sickness for tons of time. And yet, I was so hungry with an especial craving for McDonald's caramel sundaes and Pizza Hut twisted crust pizza.

I was also on the edges of a bad case of toxemia so my OBGYN kept putting me on bed rest and I gained more and more weight.

My marriage was rapidly going down the shitter and everything just sucked.

I had Son via emergency c-section in 2002. He didn't drop and I had some sort of uterine tear that caused hemorrhaging.

It was one of the most traumatic moments of my life. I was told right before I was prepped for the section (after hours and hours of labour plus being fully dilated) "You know this is your last pregnancy, right?"



I dropped 16 lbs right after having Son but when I went in to have him, I had gained 72 lbs from the 200 I was at when I had gotten married.

It took time, especially with all my emotional eating, but I did get my weight lower again. But never under 200 (except for when I had a nasty case of Norwalk virus in early 2004).



I believe I was around 220 lbs in this picture.










However, that year it turned out that my mother's breast cancer returned and metastisized to the bone.

I bleached my hair because I didn't want to have hair I liked when my Mom died.

She died in Nov 2004.

I started putting on weight again. Every time I felt like my life was bad, or I was unhappy, or lonely - I filled the void with food.

My son was diagnosed with ASD that December.

I was 242 lbs that Christmas. (The pic looks funny because I had to try to erase the people around me).


















I decided to leave Son's father in Jan 2005.

By December of that year, I got back down to 225 lbs.



And I was keen on getting even lower. I didn't really change my diet much but I was being a lot more active.













In June of 2006 I hit 206 lbs (the pic is at a weird angle because Son snapped it of me).



I was still not having luck with dating and at the end of 2006, I had been dating a complete nutjob who was abusive to me.

I managed to get out of the relationship in early January of 2007 but I was already putting on weight again.



I had changed my online dating profile on Plenty Of Fish to say that I was on an extended dating hiatus, but I didn't count on Hubs.

We started chatting on the site after we'd seen each other posting in the forums.

I'd gotten back up to 218 lbs when we met, but I just kept gaining.

As 2007 progressed, I got more and more depressed. Hubs was depressed. He was having a hard time keeping a job and I really needed to get back into therapy for a lot of my past baggage.

TO BE CONTINUED in Part 3

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder part 1

OK so I still haven't found the blog that got me thinking about writing this very post. *Edited to add that it was the lovely Lyn and here's her post: http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2010/10/thin-or-fat.html

Previously I had mentioned what it was like at different weights and how I viewed myself.

When I was younger and had a figure and weight I'd now LOVE to have -- I thought I was huge, gigantic, even a behemoth.

After having Son, I could look back at my past self and want to do some serious kicking of my (then) tiny ass.

And it's true that the last time I lost a good chunk of weight, I really didn't see a big difference.

So here's my version of THIS WAS YOUR WEIGHT.

Let me start all this by saying I started out in this life (in 1972) as an under 4 lbs premature baby with a heart problem. And I had surgery when I was an infant to correct the issue.









I was a short, scrawny looking, physically weak kid.



This is me around the age of 10.
















This is me getting ready for my Grade 8 graduation. I was 4 ft 11 and definitely under 100 lbs (in Grade 7 I was 74 lbs but there is no weight written on my Grade 8 School Days Trasures photo album page).


I didn't grow breasts until the summer before I started grade 9 so I ended grade 8 looking like I did in the above pic.

That summer I grew from 4 ft 11 to 5 ft 3 and when I started grade 9 - according to my School Days photo album - I weighed 100 lbs even.

But I had a large chest for my frame and an hour-glass shape and I still got picked on for a variety of things.

My name, my glasses, my teeth, my grades, my breasts (usually guys who threatened to "check" if I was stuffing my bra or not -- and I sure wasn't) and my weight.

A lot of the girls were taller than me so their curves looked more "normal" to me or many of them still had a leaner, less busty, less junk-in-the-trunk look so I felt fat because of the way the girls teased me but I would wear bare midriff tops or tube skirts and such because even if the guys were assholes, they at least didn't accuse me of being fat.

Age 16



















I escaped high school having lost my virginity to an older boy who treated me badly but I moved on to college.


Age 18.





















I'm now going to jump ahead a bit. in 1995, I went to a costume party - even though I was very self-conscious about my costume because I thought I had a massive pot belly.

Here's a pic of me in the costume. I was 23 years old, 5 ft 5 and 1/4" tall and I was 135 lbs:



















To be continued in another post.

Part 2
Part 3

Confessions

When I am stressed, anxious and/or depressed I have a history of doing "unhealthy" things.

In the past I used to drink a LOT. In high school, back when I would lightly cut the inside of my thighs (which I don't do anymore) or pull out my hair (which I still do) or bite my nails until I drew blood (which I still do) I also drank quite a bit of alcohol.

I used to have a bottle of Tia Maria hidden in my bedroom. I used to take shots until I felt like I could fall asleep at night.

At its worst - my insomnia allowed me 2 - 3 hrs of sleep per night.

At my worst - I was single but sleeping with 3 different guys in the same time frame and considering others.

At my worst - I drank so much that I blacked out and had to be talked off a balcony after revealing some of my deepest, darkest secrets of what I survived as a child.

At my worst - I actually tried to cultivate an eating disorder because I thought that was the only way to gain some control of my life but I hated trying to make myself throw up.



At my best - I sleep 6 -7 hrs a night.

At my best - I am faithful and committed to my romantic partner (Hubs).

At my best - I consume alcohol in moderation. 0 - 4 alcoholic beverages in a month.

At my best - I try to eat in moderation and make healthier choices without cultivating a sense of denial or a feeling of being deprived.

I've decided that fatsecret seems a better site for charting my food.
Here's a cut'n'paste of what I ate yesterday:

date: Today - 07/29/10Tomorrow - 07/30/10Yesterday - 07/28/101 week ago - 07/22/10Other...	Total Calories: 2088
This is some of what I ate This is exactly what I ate	RDI(%) Sod(mg) Fat(g) Carbs(g) Prot(g) KCals 87 2408 93.79 210.45 91.23 2088

Breakfast 11 140 5.00 48.00 18.00 270

1 serving starbucks chocolate banana 11 140 5.00 48.00 18.00 270

Add Item Choose from My Recent Breakfast Items: chocolate hazelnut spread bottled water Add Multiple Items... Or Find a Food: or New Item or Cancel + add new food: searching...

Lunch 16 913 17.85 42.88 17.68 392

1 slice lifestyle, lean, turkey breast 1 213 0.35 0.88 3.58 22

1 serving spreadable omega 3 butter with canola oil 3 75 8.00 - 0.10 70

2 servings Twelve Grain Bread 10 320 5.00 40.00 10.00 240

1 serving Velveeta cheese slice 3 300 4.50 2.00 4.00 60

1 cup Water - 5 - - - -

Add Item Choose from My Recent Lunch Items: Add Multiple Items... Or Find a Food: or New Item or Cancel + add new food: searching...

Dinner 27 744 32.93 15.30 43.20 647

2 patties Ground Beef (70% Lean / 30% Fat, Patty, Cooked, Pan-Broiled) 15 142 23.93 - 35.20 367

1 serving Rickard's Red beer 7 - - 11.30 - 160

2 servings velveeta cheese slice 5 600 9.00 4.00 8.00 120

1/2 cup water - 2 - - - -

Add Item Choose from My Recent Dinner Items: Add Multiple Items... Or Find a Food: or New Item or Cancel + add new food: searching...

Snacks / Other 32 611 38.01 104.27 12.35 779

1 serving barq's root beer 7 70 - 45.00 - 160

1 serving crispy minis ketchup flavour 4 190 3.00 14.00 1.00 90

0.67 serving milk chocolate bunny 6 20 8.71 15.41 2.01 147

1 serving skippy peanut butter 8 150 16.00 7.00 7.00 190

1 medium sugar twist doughnut 8 181 10.30 22.86 2.34 192