Monday, October 18, 2010

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder part 2

So, the last pic in the previous post was taken in 1995.

That was 2 years after my Dad died and I had started drinking excessively from that point in 1993 until a brush with alcohol poisoning in 1998 (if I am recalling the year correctly). Although I had been drinking on a regular basis since I was 15 or 16 but not as much as I was after Dad died.

I spent a large chunk of time dancing at goth/alternative bars and clubs, drinking like crazy and eating and sleeping like crap along with some other unhealthy behaviour.

This one is when I was 140 lbs in 1996. I was gaining about 5 lbs per year at that point but it seemed to be showing up in my chest and my ass so it didn't really concern me because my bf at the time thought I could be chestier (I think I was a C cup then).

Of course that bf and I didn't have a healthy relationship and it didn't last (thankfully).

This one was taken in 1999 and I was 160 lbs (I'm the one in the red dress).

When I am on the elliptical now, I imagine my legs becoming more like they were in this picture.

If we had a TARDIS (aka time machine for you non-Doctor Who fans) and went back to then, I'd have told you that I was fat and overweight because my DR thought I should be 130 lbs at my height.

Plus the majority of my female friends weighed less than I did and wore smaller clothing sizes.

Now we'll jump ahead to early 2000. My DR had decided that I had been on the pill for too long and had suggested that I switch to Depo-Provera

Though I didn't see it mentioned there if you google "Depo-Provera weight gain" you'll see a lot fo people talking about it.

As a migraine headache sufferer - I should have never been told to try it.

I put on 40 lbs in 2-3 months and had heavy bleeding and period issues for just over a year after the ONE SINGLE SHOT I took.

So, when I married Son's father in 2001 - I was 200 lbs.

6 months later, just after I'd gotten fed up with my position as a retail store manager and had a resurgence of some of my panic and anxiety issues and about a week before Son's father was fired from his job -- I found out I was pregnant.

It was not a pleasant pregnancy. I was very, very sick. All-day sickness for tons of time. And yet, I was so hungry with an especial craving for McDonald's caramel sundaes and Pizza Hut twisted crust pizza.

I was also on the edges of a bad case of toxemia so my OBGYN kept putting me on bed rest and I gained more and more weight.

My marriage was rapidly going down the shitter and everything just sucked.

I had Son via emergency c-section in 2002. He didn't drop and I had some sort of uterine tear that caused hemorrhaging.

It was one of the most traumatic moments of my life. I was told right before I was prepped for the section (after hours and hours of labour plus being fully dilated) "You know this is your last pregnancy, right?"

I dropped 16 lbs right after having Son but when I went in to have him, I had gained 72 lbs from the 200 I was at when I had gotten married.

It took time, especially with all my emotional eating, but I did get my weight lower again. But never under 200 (except for when I had a nasty case of Norwalk virus in early 2004).

I believe I was around 220 lbs in this picture.

However, that year it turned out that my mother's breast cancer returned and metastisized to the bone.

I bleached my hair because I didn't want to have hair I liked when my Mom died.

She died in Nov 2004.

I started putting on weight again. Every time I felt like my life was bad, or I was unhappy, or lonely - I filled the void with food.

My son was diagnosed with ASD that December.

I was 242 lbs that Christmas. (The pic looks funny because I had to try to erase the people around me).

I decided to leave Son's father in Jan 2005.

By December of that year, I got back down to 225 lbs.

And I was keen on getting even lower. I didn't really change my diet much but I was being a lot more active.

In June of 2006 I hit 206 lbs (the pic is at a weird angle because Son snapped it of me).

I was still not having luck with dating and at the end of 2006, I had been dating a complete nutjob who was abusive to me.

I managed to get out of the relationship in early January of 2007 but I was already putting on weight again.

I had changed my online dating profile on Plenty Of Fish to say that I was on an extended dating hiatus, but I didn't count on Hubs.

We started chatting on the site after we'd seen each other posting in the forums.

I'd gotten back up to 218 lbs when we met, but I just kept gaining.

As 2007 progressed, I got more and more depressed. Hubs was depressed. He was having a hard time keeping a job and I really needed to get back into therapy for a lot of my past baggage.



  1. If I had the courage to post pictures over the year, my weight would be at such extremes. Alas, I'm trying to get back on track to start going down again.

  2. These last couple of posts have been beyond courageous. It takes a lot of strength to lay it all out there for everyone to see; I am very slowly beginning to do that and enjoy the freedom it brings after hitting 'publish'. Life has a cruel way sometimes, I know. But I'm hoping for you, in some way, chronicling it the way you are will make things clearer and you'll see that you're still here :)