Thoughts on the journey

I ought to be in bed, but I needed to post.

I came down to look up what season of "Castle" is currently on the air since I recently watched S1 and S2 on DVD that one of my BFFs lent me.

While down here, I - of course - had to check out some of the blogs I follow.

I may not always comment but I so often identify with what you are writing and feeling and experiencing.

Tonight was a bit polarizing. Posts about the journey, posts about self-sabotage, posts about self-realizations - some positive, some fearful. Posts about making changes not just physically but mentally, emotionally.

Finding the strength in yourself to do things you haven't done before.

I am not going to link anyone since it's been a bit of a theme across a number of the blogs I read through this account as well as through non-weight-related blogs I read through my personal blog (which doesn't get much attention from me).

So I have to say this.

Recognizing what you've done in the past can go one of two ways. Either history repeats itself OR you carve a new path and each day, you ingrain that new pathway into yourself further so that instead of it being something overgrown where you might get lost, eventually - you will find your way to the destination you seek.

I believe in change.

I believe that every person has the power and ability to tune into the synchronicity of the universe so that things start to fall into place and that what we once struggled with can come naturally once we reach the right mindset.

I gave up before.

In 2006 I got down to 206.8 lbs and I gave up. Yes, there were other things that happened that had an impact in my unvoiced choice to give up, but I have to accept the responsibility for what happened.

Plus, my attitude back then was so negative and full of demeaning self-talk. I was exercising but I hadn't even attempted any REAL changes to my diet.

I was still drinking on the weekends when Son was with my ex and not always in moderation.

I wasn't really committed to changing, I just disliked so much of myself and my life that I thought if I got thin that everything would get better.

But it's not about getting thin to fix my life this time, or to find a new way to hide myself or re-invent myself.

This time, it's about making my body reflect my healthier attitude about my life.

Even with the bitching and common annoyances, I love Hubs. He's a good man and I am happy we found each other back in '07.

Even with the challenges, I love our kids. Yes, Son's behavioural issues re: autism and Step-Daughter's behavioural issues re: ADHD can be a challenge and then let's not forget my little sadist, Baby Girl, she of the biting, the pinching and the sleepless nights.

But I love them all.

And, the big thing, the thing I sometimes forgot in the past is a biggie -- I love myself.

I am a good person.

I care about people; I'm honest; I'm friendly; I'm funny (though not always on purpose) and a multitude of other things that make me who I am.

A person.

A good person, like I said before.

And it doesn't mean I have to be fat OR thin to be a good person.

And I don't have to try to hide myself or protect myself with extra flesh -- I can just get to where I am meant to be.

I am not going to be fat forever because the more weight I gained, the more I felt I lost my connection to my true self.

I'm not sure what weight I'll end up at, but I think I'll feel it when I'm where I should be.

So kudos and my love and support to everyone getting to where they want to be - no matter how long the journey may be.

We can all do this.

And we can do it for the love of OURSELVES.

I love myself enough to choose to be healthier, day by day, week by week, month by month and year by year.

Why?

Because I deserve to be healthier and because I can choose to do this for MYSELF.

It makes me think of that whole airplane spiel... take care of yourself before you take care of someone else re: the masks and protective equipment in case of an emergency.

Well, I've been taking care of someone else since I had Son in 2002. And even before that, I was always the type to put other people first.

I still tend to do that.

The difference is that now I've realized I need to acknowledge my own needs and that I do need to make myself a priority in my own life.

It's the right thing to do. And it is NOT selfish (which is how I used to feel).

And I am doing it!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder part 1

OK so I still haven't found the blog that got me thinking about writing this very post. *Edited to add that it was the lovely Lyn and here's her post: http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2010/10/thin-or-fat.html

Previously I had mentioned what it was like at different weights and how I viewed myself.

When I was younger and had a figure and weight I'd now LOVE to have -- I thought I was huge, gigantic, even a behemoth.

After having Son, I could look back at my past self and want to do some serious kicking of my (then) tiny ass.

And it's true that the last time I lost a good chunk of weight, I really didn't see a big difference.

So here's my version of THIS WAS YOUR WEIGHT.

Let me start all this by saying I started out in this life (in 1972) as an under 4 lbs premature baby with a heart problem. And I had surgery when I was an infant to correct the issue.









I was a short, scrawny looking, physically weak kid.



This is me around the age of 10.
















This is me getting ready for my Grade 8 graduation. I was 4 ft 11 and definitely under 100 lbs (in Grade 7 I was 74 lbs but there is no weight written on my Grade 8 School Days Trasures photo album page).


I didn't grow breasts until the summer before I started grade 9 so I ended grade 8 looking like I did in the above pic.

That summer I grew from 4 ft 11 to 5 ft 3 and when I started grade 9 - according to my School Days photo album - I weighed 100 lbs even.

But I had a large chest for my frame and an hour-glass shape and I still got picked on for a variety of things.

My name, my glasses, my teeth, my grades, my breasts (usually guys who threatened to "check" if I was stuffing my bra or not -- and I sure wasn't) and my weight.

A lot of the girls were taller than me so their curves looked more "normal" to me or many of them still had a leaner, less busty, less junk-in-the-trunk look so I felt fat because of the way the girls teased me but I would wear bare midriff tops or tube skirts and such because even if the guys were assholes, they at least didn't accuse me of being fat.

Age 16



















I escaped high school having lost my virginity to an older boy who treated me badly but I moved on to college.


Age 18.





















I'm now going to jump ahead a bit. in 1995, I went to a costume party - even though I was very self-conscious about my costume because I thought I had a massive pot belly.

Here's a pic of me in the costume. I was 23 years old, 5 ft 5 and 1/4" tall and I was 135 lbs:



















To be continued in another post.

Part 2
Part 3