Still alive and struggling

Hey there everyone.

Well, I'm still unmotivated, still trying to work out the best meds to help me through this time of depression and exhaustion.

Depending on the frequency of my sporadic bowel movements I am ranging between a low of 249.2 and a high of 252.4

I have started going to a peer-based support group and I am finding that to be helpful, especially since the person I was seeing at the counselling place is no longer there so I only had a total of 4 sessions with her.

The 4th session consisting of my freaking out because she told me while there that it was going to be our last session.

Baby Girl has been assessed with a speech/language delay.  I started the "It talks two to talk" program last week.

Little Man is participating in a group ABA program with some other boys around his age for kids with autism and I take him to that every Tuesday evening.

Hubs is still not working but has been getting coverage for some re-education programs.  He starts a Microsoft Office Suite course in a week or two.

My anxiety is very much under control, though I still have the paranoia issues but my depression just seems like it's getting worse and worse and I am struggling daily.

I am working so hard at sorting out my mental health issues and doing what I can to help my kids with their issues and be emotionally supportive of Hubs while he works on upgrading his education so he can eventually GET a job and support our family.

Rhyme Girl has been having a tough time at her Mom's with various things, so that's a worry and stressor for us as well.

*sigh*

I've been avoiding the blog world in general and I've actually been on Facebook a lot less as well.  It's almost like the more I have to leave my house to do other things, the more I hide away.

But - I'm not dead.

I've spent quite a bit of time on ancestry.ca and ancestry.com as well as findagrave.com as that tends to help me relax.

And I've been reading more again the past week or so.

So that's where I'm at.

I hope all of you are well.

Are things looking up?

The good:

- Hubs started therapy this week
- I will be starting therapy on the 28th
- we are receiving some financial support (which also covers the cost of therapy)
- http://i-am-amused.blogspot.com/

Stuff in process:

- IPRC for Little Man

* this has been a source of frustration as we only have an IEP in place for him and as I understand it, an IPRC is necessary if we want to look into specialty educational programming. But I heard back from a nice woman at Developmental Services Resource Centre (DSRC) today and they meet on the 21st and I will be contacted after that about a service co-ordinator who could be someone to assist me with advocating for my son to get the whole process rolling.

The bad:

- though, as ever, there are some things that fall into "the bad" I'm not going to go into them as my mood has been very down and I'm actually feeling somewhat hopeful at the moment

the latest

Hubs is looking for work. It appears that he does not have enough hours to qualify for EI.

Baby Girl and Hubs and I all are at varying stages of having a cold or reacting to allergies. Baby Girl has a very snotty nose and is sneezing. Hubs is coughing and achey. I have a snotty nose, the sneezes and a sore throat with fever (so I am definitely under the weather).

:(

In other news - Little Man received his green stripe belt in Kung Fu on Saturday and we are very proud of him.

:>

1G1D1Y is on her honeymoon and I miss her.

I have been all over the place emotionally. Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes it feels like the end of the world.

My exercise has decreased and my binging has increased.

I don't know why it can be such a challenge to harness and control my emotions/mood but it's probably because I have a ton of things that I still don't really deal with.

So it's been tough and I haven't been around as much because whenever I feel like my life is going downhill - I tend to try to hide from it, like an ostrich with its head in the sand.

If I can't see it, it can't be happening.

All that being said - I have had some great days. But more of them have felt like days I had to struggle to get through, or days where I'd have rather stayed in my bed and not come out for anyone.

That's the part that's the hardest to deal with.

I don't like being perceived as weak or vulnerable by others. So I have a hard time really sharing how I am feeling. Or I do share it, but I make sure I'm still able to laugh at myself or at the shit life throws at me to make sure that other people don't worry about me.

Also - I haven't shared pics in awhile - I'll have to log in using one of my other email accounts so I can back-date a pics post (because I want this one to be the most recent).

awake

I slept like crap last night.

I have a load of laundry in and load of dishes in the sink.

Son has had breakfast and is finishing his home reading before it's time for school.

Hubs and Baby Girl are still asleep. (Baby Girl was up a few times last night - last time I breast-fed her was about an hour ago).

My stomach feels off and I have a headache. I know I SHOULD eat something (or make a breakfast smoothie) but I really don't WANT to.

I am tired and cranky today.