confession


I re-gained the weight; I'm on a LOT of meds re: a uber of al ealth
Diagnoses.  I ought to start following some you again...

Working on two blogs now -an accumulative blog - http://adornthetruth.blogspot.ca/?m=0 and one just mental health: http://wth-is-bpd2.blogspot.ca/?m=1

Still alive --

Weight hasn't changed... well, it's gone down and gone up again and so on. My mental health journey has been taking all of my energy and focus and it's certainly not easy. I'd say that I am still not on the right meds & I still haven't found a good psychiatrist. The process is taking longer than what I'd like, but I've never been a patient woman. Once I get more balanced or at least hit a bit of an upswing instead of this extended down cycle -- I feel I'll be able to focus more on my physical health again. Best wishes.

short update

weight:  247.6 lbs

state of mind - all sorts of messed up but I'm working on it...

*sigh*

Tuesday mornings weight

250.0 lbs

That's cool... though it may just be from all the sweating I've been doing and all the water I've been drinking...

I need a new scale as my old one hasn't been working for awhile

I did weigh myself at a friend's house on Saturday though.

255 lbs.

So yeah.  Saturday was just under 2 years from when I started this blog and I boomeranged from the 278 July 2010 official starting weight to the low 204.2 April 2011 to the 255 July 2012.

Fuck me.

Let's not forgot my non-pregnancy 2010 high of 286 lbs.

so 2010 high = 286
          down     8 lbs
    2010 start = 278
         down 73.8 more lbs
     2011 low = 204.2
                up 50.8 lbs
current 2012 = 255 lbs

So, in the end I only managed to keep off a total of 31 lbs from my highest 2010 weight and 23 lbs from the weight I was when I first started this blog.

Do I feel like a failure?

Yes.

Am I ashamed of myself?

Yes.

Am I going to eat myself into oblivion?

No.

I've gone through some serious depression and a recent new diagnosis that I am still dealing with and am on some different medications.

I am to stay away from cardio, like the cardiologist told me back in 2011.  Walking and swimming were the recommended exercises for me as well as weight training.

So, we'll see what happens.

I can't promise I'll post here a lot.

But I'll try to post once in awhile so you know I'm still alive.

FAB

Things seem so bloody strange right now

Well my weight has gone up and down a bit but this morning I was at 257.0 lbs so no significant changes.

I am now on three medications.

Cipralex (20 mg), Wellbutrin (300 mg) and Topamax (20 mg) and I have a new (or additional - I guess I should ask how that works) diagnoses but I'm not going to talk about that right now.

My anxiety is very well under control.  As a matter of fact, I have actual FINGERNAILS, growing beyond my fingertips.  If I remember later, I'll take a picture and login with one of my other accounts to post it.

The heat and humidity are crazy around here.

We've had a fan and a window air conditioner going since we got up this morning and it is, at this moment, 27 degrees C in here!

Little Man is off at his father's for the weekend so Hubs is here with all his female-folk, myself, Rhyme Girl and I'm not sure what I should call the baby now since she is less a baby and more a rampaging toddler...

Any suggestions?

Little Man has attended one ABA group with some other boys with autism and will be attending another one, one evening a week through the summer.

I just completed the "It Takes Two To Talk" program with my energetic toddler and hopefully she'll get into speech therapy around September.  Still not sure if it's just the pragmatic speech delay or if she could be at the top end of the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum.

Rhyme Girl was doing the Wii Fit today and she's lost 2 lbs since she got here on July 2nd, which puts her at 156.6 lbs at the age of 12 and the height of 4 ft 11.

Her Wii Fit age was calculated at 25.

Hubs also did the Wii Fit today.  His Wii Fit age was calculated at 61 (he'll be 45 this year) and I was calculated to be 38 (I'll be 40 this year).

I have my next appointment with the psychiatrist on Monday and I'm not sure if I am going to peer-led group therapy on Tues, Thursday or both days this week.

I feel good about working on this stuff, though with the new information -- I have some new things to research/read up on.

In other news, we went to Teeswater the other weekend and had a wonderful visit with my Grandmother's cousin, who was a complete sweetheart!  It was a very peaceful town and it was relaxing.

A number of people in my adoptive family have found some great success using Weight Watchers.  So my brother-in-law, T,  gave me a points calculator yesterday.  I will give it a try, although I'm sure there are some foods I won't know how to calculate (like basmati rice for example).

I hope everyone else is happy and well!

Still alive and struggling

Hey there everyone.

Well, I'm still unmotivated, still trying to work out the best meds to help me through this time of depression and exhaustion.

Depending on the frequency of my sporadic bowel movements I am ranging between a low of 249.2 and a high of 252.4

I have started going to a peer-based support group and I am finding that to be helpful, especially since the person I was seeing at the counselling place is no longer there so I only had a total of 4 sessions with her.

The 4th session consisting of my freaking out because she told me while there that it was going to be our last session.

Baby Girl has been assessed with a speech/language delay.  I started the "It talks two to talk" program last week.

Little Man is participating in a group ABA program with some other boys around his age for kids with autism and I take him to that every Tuesday evening.

Hubs is still not working but has been getting coverage for some re-education programs.  He starts a Microsoft Office Suite course in a week or two.

My anxiety is very much under control, though I still have the paranoia issues but my depression just seems like it's getting worse and worse and I am struggling daily.

I am working so hard at sorting out my mental health issues and doing what I can to help my kids with their issues and be emotionally supportive of Hubs while he works on upgrading his education so he can eventually GET a job and support our family.

Rhyme Girl has been having a tough time at her Mom's with various things, so that's a worry and stressor for us as well.

*sigh*

I've been avoiding the blog world in general and I've actually been on Facebook a lot less as well.  It's almost like the more I have to leave my house to do other things, the more I hide away.

But - I'm not dead.

I've spent quite a bit of time on ancestry.ca and ancestry.com as well as findagrave.com as that tends to help me relax.

And I've been reading more again the past week or so.

So that's where I'm at.

I hope all of you are well.

Update on the meds

OK so I have been consistently taking my medication.

The Good:

1. Negative self-talk is still almost completely gone.
2. Binge eating seems to be gone.
3. Depression does not seem so dire.
4. Paranoia has lessened a fair amount.
5. Anxiety has lessened quite a bit.

The Challenging:

1. Sex drive is WAY down.
2. Sleeping issues are difficult to deal with (tired during the day, tired but unable to sleep soundly at night).
3. Increased headaches.
4. Almost constant dry-mouth.

A success story:

I went grocery shopping ALONE on Thursday for the first time in YEARS!!!  It was stressful because I was also having them price-match to competitor's flyers, but I did it.  And I only had to do one extra walk around the store to calm myself down before getting into the checkout line.

Sadder success stories:

My neighbour passed away on Feb 16th of cancer and I went to the visitation at the funeral home to show support for his wife.

Today I am going to the visitation of my friend's mother, who passed away of cancer on Feb 23rd.

I have always had issues with funerals and funeral homes, even before my adoptive parents died.

I'm just updating my blog before my friend gets here to pick me up.

On a brighter note:

If I remember, I have a cute video of Baby Girl that I will post but back-date to before this entry.

Total Woman's Show

On Saturday I attended the Total Woman's Show with my friend & her mother.  I found it quite similar to MeFest as there were a lot of people offering information about doing direct selling through party-hosting.

As well, there were 3 stages where presentations and such were occurring.  There were also people offering health and wellness information, posture checks, gym passes etc.

I had a complimentary styling done on my hair by Angelina Fitz-Henry from Cowboys & Angels (and I looked great!)
 
I grabbed the business card for The Nu Me Boutique, as my birth mom has shopped there since they specialize in products for women who have had mastectomies.


As well, there was a booth about Thermography, which is a non-invasive, radiation-free monitoring of breast health. And another booth offered information about mammograms and the Ontario Breast Screening Program (toll free information number is: 1-800-668-9304.)

Latasia   - has cool jewelry.  So did Stella & Dot and -- crap, the one place did jewelry, scarves & purses... but I am currently blanking on the name. EDITED to add: it was SheBella!

Wicked is coming to Centre in the Square - which is pretty exciting... though there are other events coming up too.

There were a number of booths that had tea products; my favourite being Distinctly Tea.

I saw a line up at the booth for Align-Right, as a lot of women were purchasing pillows.

I grabbed some information from two different booths about senior care, one was Home Instead and the other was Warm Embrace.

I grabbed an information sheet from Lotus Meditation.

My friend purchased some clothing made from bamboo from Yogainn Sakuja, who told us that he is working on a website and when it's reading it should be elaNela.com but if you are interested in his products, you could contact him at elanela7 AT gmail DOT com.

There was a booth for Spanner.  I've never been there before, but my friend was keen on it as she's shopped there before.

The one talk we were able to attend was "Weight Loss Revealed" presented by Bruce Kahn, author of The Fat Fighter Diet.  Afterwards, my friend's mother purchased his book & some supplements from the Fiddleheads booth.  Now Bruce also gave out a website address re: his personal training, but I don't remember what it was.  If I found out, I'll link it in this entry later.

There was a booth with sample shakes from the Body By Vi program.  Two shakes a day and one healthy meal, but I am not into meal replacements.

I was given a day pass for GoodLife Fitness. Though I'm not sure how I feel about GoodLife.

I grabbed some information from some friendly house-cleaning ladies from Polished Expectations (which I plan to pass on to one of my friends).

I tried to get close enough to smell some of the products at The Body Blessed, but it was too crowded.

There were many more booths and representatives there but these are the ones I was given information from.

There was just so much going on, I found it challenging to take everything in but it was enjoyable and I'd have to say that I don't know if I could have handled being out that long without the medication I am on.