2nd therapy appointment yesterday

So I had my 2nd session yesterday.

She said that we will start doing something called EMDR in a few more sessions.  Before my next appointment (in 2 weeks) I have to work on a timeline for her of positive and negative events in my life that I remember.

That may well be challenging because, frankly, most of my memories are negative as those are the ones that stick whereas the happy ones are harder to hold onto.

Yesterday I described the fact that, to me, happiness is transient whereas, in my ideal world, it would be a constant.

I think there were a number of emotional factors and stressors related to my unfortunate re-gain.

The counselor that I meet with told me yesterday that it is not her job to diagnose me or prescribe anything, it's her job to help me accept what has happened in the past and release all the negativity and fear that I hang on to.

Though she did suggest that I talk to my family DR about medication.

I'm still thinking about that.

If anyone reading has some experience with anti-depressant and/or anti-anxiety medication, feel free to comment or to message me privately.


weight:  247.6 lbs

update

So, just had a fight with Hubs re: my anxiety/panic/PTSD -- he doesn't understand it and I try not to make a big issue of it all. But, I've been struggling with it lately.

I have my second therapy appointment tomorrow... am feeling pretty keyed up about it.  I debated back and forth and back and forth on whether or not to write about it here and, as you can see, I did NOT detail the session.

I still find myself feeling somewhat "raw" from it in ways.  Even though, overall, I think it went well but I have been having more times where I feel really disconnected as well as times where I am really emotional.

I suppose it's all part of the process.

In other news, I've made a new friend and her son and Little Man get along EXTREMELY well and that's really nice for both of them.

My appointment with Little Man's school was re-scheduled due to poor driving conditions re: my support coordinator from DSRC so hopefully the weather cooperates on Thursday which is also the day back in 2007 that Hubs and I really connected and started talking.

Have been working on saving money on groceries thanks to H's advice and Walmart's price matching policies.

Budgeting on a low income is a must - but is still challenging.

Am hoping to swing a discounted Y membership into February's budget so I have something to do to help re-motivate me.

Right now my one motivation is, apparently, house-organization.  It's a slow, arduous process but worthwhile if we can actually get this place all sorted out.

Baby Girl is 22 months old today.  I'll have to log in with one of my other email addys so that I can add a photo of her.

A bit of an epiphany last night

So I know I've said before in my blog that I felt that part of the reason I gained weight was to protect myself.

However; I thought that with my mindset where it's been and realizing that this is for my healthy and well-being and that because I've been doing so well that it was no longer an issue...

Apparently I was incorrect.  Last night, when I was in bed trying to sleep, I was also fighting off an anxiety attack.  Because I just started thinking about how vulnerable we all are in this world.

I thought about all the things that happened to me when I was a child and then as a teenager and then as an adult and I got really, really scared.

And the worst part of this sort of thinking is that no one else can really and truly understand unless they've been through some similar experiences so I did not talk to Hubs about it.

I just lay there, in the dark, trying to calm my racing mind and slow my thumping heart while some of the things that happened to me replayed in my head.

It sucked.

It more than sucked.

It's bad enough that I've had to live through those sorts of experiences -- I really wish the random re-living of them would just stop.

But it was like two parts of me were at war with each other... part of me, the part that's been enjoying a bit of girlification with S-girl (tanning, discussing eyebrow waxing etc...) was happy about feeling sexier and prettier and HAPPY but the other part of me was thinking things like, "If I get prettier, I get noticed, if I get noticed, that makes me a target, if I'm a target, I'm going get hurt again."

Arrgh!

I know I'm with Hubs and that those certain men of my past who hurt me in so many ways are gone, but I guess the emotional scars still ache and itch and startle me sometimes.

All that being said -- I'm off to the track this morning to try and clear up my headspace and then probably for a tan to help me relax.

I'm not giving up!