Happy Halloween!

I ate some junk but I did so in moderation.

In the past I'd eat an entire package of those tiny little chocolate bars/treats.

I can't remember if I've talked about goal clothing before but I am leery of buying anything to be "goal clothes" but I did find an old pair of size 14 jeans packed away.

At the moment, I can get them just past my knees and that's it. But I was wearing them in 06 or 07 and I shall do so again.

Getting into them won't have me at MY GOAL but they will be part of getting me to my goal so I guess that should count!

was commenting on another blog and thought I should mention it here - TV stuff

My comment on a post at http://www.absolutelynarcissism.com was:

"I dislike the Duggars and all of those TLC shows with young kids who put their children so into the world.

These children of reality shows do not have real childhoods and everything that's aired can come back to haunt them in adulthood.

It's all horrid imo.

Reality shows starring adults is different because they have a choice.

re: Sister Wives - I look at things like that and all I can think is that it makes more sense for one woman to have multiple husbands."

And it's true - that's what I think.

A woman with multiple husbands means the guys can commiserate and hang out together and get things done around the house but there won't be quite so many children.

More incomes will support them all.

And can you imagine if they had some sort of sports things? Poly husbands league Baseball, basketball, hockey?

Tons of players!

;)

BTW it's day 100.

Day 100 and I am at 242.2 lbs from 278 lbs.

That averages out to a daily loss of 0.358 lbs or 2.5 lbs per wk.

If I could continue on a trend like that, in 17 wks (minimum, it could very well take longer) I could finally be below 200 lbs by the end of Febuary/beginning of March!

That would be FANTASTIC!

Baby Girl has her first birthday in March and it would feel really good to be even closer to by current goal by then.

But even as I type this, I try to dampen my excitement.  I am used to a life where pessimism has seemed to do right by me.  Good things happen, I am elated, bad things happen and I am NOT crushed.

Yet I have been trying to look at life in a more positive light but I still worry about setting myself up for disappointment.

I am elated with what I have lost so far, weight wise, and I am looking forward to my body being stronger and more agile.

So I need to just focus on that.  And be happy IN THE NOW!

New shake combo

Good day!

Weight:  242.2 lbs

So I don't tend to think I get enough protein so this morning's breakfast shake was made of the following items:

• 1/2 cup frozen raspberries
• 1/4 cup frozen blueberries
• 1/2 a large banana
• 1 scoop unflavoured protein powder
• 1 scoop ground flaxseed powder
• 1 tsp benefiber
• 2 tsp cinnamon
• 1/2 cup tropicana pure no pulp orange juice w/ added vitamin A & D
• 1/2 cup unsweetened Blue Diamond chocolate almond milk
• 1/4 cup organic vanilla yogurt
• 1/2 cup chopped spinach

I don't find shakes as tasty when I add the spinach but I do have to be more diligent with getting some veggies in.

I got my blood work results back from the DR.

my tsh was 2.04
my glucose random was 3.9
my ferritin was 17

Of course I don't know what it all means so I googled things.

The TSH # is normal,  but I read that one can still have thyroid problems when the TSH # is normal and that a T3 and T4 test are required to be certain.

My glucose random # was the lowest number still considered to be "normal" though it said that a low glucose random number can indicate thyroid problems and my ferritin is low (out of the normal range) and it also says that it can be indicative of thyroid problems.

So I guess I'll see what I am advised of next.  I see my naturopath near the end of November so hopefully she'll have some good suggestions.

Day 99 - Body dyslexia, weight update and "getting fit is pricey!" - thank you MasterCard!

Let me start with the good.

The Good

Weight: 242.6 lbs

The Bad (for my financial situation)

I am taking Vitamin D, B12 sublinguals, flaxseed powder already and today I bought:

• 300 g of Ultimate High Alpha Whey Protein
• 500 ml of Nutra Sea Omega 3 liquid
• 20 ml of Bach Rescue Remedy drops

add the tax and those 3 items were a hefty $103 and change.

The boot camp is $140.

The naturopath is sliding scale based on income (thank the universe!) but getting healthy is not only a toll on the body but on my Mastercard.

But,:  "Getting healthy and losing weight for life -- PRICELESS."

And now,

The Ugly.

I have body dyslexia.  I don't actually know if there is such a thing but as a completely uncoordinated likelong klutz, I am claiming this designation.

When exercising, I got completely lost with directions on right and left and opposites.  This is why I have never taken dance lessons and why work out videos make me swear.

It's all very confusing and I quickly get overwhelmed, frustrated and lost.  As a kid I was even bad with those clapping games like "Miss Sue" et cetera.

This was why I loved being in the goth/alternative scene.  The clothes and music was fantastic and you could be yourself..  I love dancing when it's unstructured because I can't learn choreography and I can express myself well with my body.

Getting healthy will allow me to do that again.

Showing my age

I have woken up two nights in a row now, with the Dynasty theme song stuck in my head.

Yep, that's right, I said Dynasty.



Then one of my BFFs made a comment about a pic I posted to FB yesterday.

It was this one (which shows the new haircut I got yesterday):

And she said the more cleavage shows, the more one shows their age or something to that effect.

That being said, it's a great top to wear when I need to breast-feed Baby Girl - LOL!

The healing power of orgasm - TMI

Yep, this one is possibly going to be TMI.  Not like intricate details or anything but not knowing who might be looking, I'll try using Blogger's handy-dandy break icon so if you click it -- you've been forewarned!

I'm alive but in pain

Owwie, owwie legs especially from hip to knee.

Will try to post something longer than this tomorrow. Must get Hubs to massage me!

My first night of Ultra Camp aka the longest fitness test EVER (and a Blog Hop)

So we had to do a fitness test tonight. And I misunderstood at first and thought that our results were all going to be compared to one another and I kicked into anxiety mode.

After Monday and Tuesday night at Emergency First Aid and CPR-B training and certification, I've already been keyed up and this added to it.

The funny thing was - I was really scared about all the parts that involved using my arms but I mistakenly thought I would ace the leg stuff.

Colour me WRONG! I did a decent job at the push-ups and the plank stance thingy (sorry, I don't remember all the names) where I had to hold myself on one arm and lift a weight with my other hand but the backward lunges and the getting right down on the floor (on my front) and back up again all those times really sucked away my time.

As well, the side-to-side jumping over the rolled mat was harder than I thought.

For some reason I did OK with jumping forward and backwards with my feet together but side-to-side, I would get scared about injuring my ankles and I could not keep my feet together.

So I have feet issues. Well, really it's more about my ankles. I don't even know how many times I've had sprained ankles in my life - it's happened that often (and this started when I was a skinny, scrawny kid).

We did some squat things too.

I managed to calm down after 2 near panic/anxiety attacks.

But holy crap, my negative self-talk was back from vacation in full force. I've been doing pretty damn good with laying off the negative self-talk but egads, it was nasty!

It was bitching away at me as I was struggling to complete these movements:

"You look like an idiot."
"Everyone is looking at you."
"They're all going to laugh at you." <-- yes, it was even in Piper Laurie's voice circa the movie "Carrie."
"You can't do this."
"You should be ashamed of yourself."
"You're a joke."
"You're disgusting."
"You're a loser."

So I was trying to squelch the voice, keep focused on what I was doing and not go full-blown into an attack and/or start crying.

Anyway, my fit-test time was 8:01 and at the last class we'll be re-doing them and testing against our own time.

We also ran back and forth across the room (I was speed-walking) and then we were supposed to run up 3 flights of stairs and then back down again (I had to walk it).

My knees felt like they were vibrating and my thighs felt like rubber bands that someone was twanging.

I was also nervous about my knees as they've never been the best since a bully shoved me down the stairs when I was in Grade 7.

I did not realize that boot camp would make me feel so emotional.

I am glad I went, am proud that I did it and I WILL get better, stronger and faster!

-------

Now, the latest blog hop

I was writing this as a comment on another blog and thought I would post it

Son got upset this morning while I was reading blogs.

I was reading, "The Fat Mom" and he said, "You aren't fat, Mom!"

And I said, "What?"

And then he said, "That's not a good blog name for you, because you aren't fat, Mom."

Kids can be awesome!

I then explained that I wasn't on MY blog page but I didn't tell him that I had "Fat" in the name of my actual weight loss blog either.

my first night of Ultra Ladies Boot Camp is tonight

And I feel like puking.

I'm not sick but I am feeling VERY anxious!  Another Mom from Son's school is in it (besides one of my BFFs) and I was hoping for anonymity, if you know what I mean.

In all likelyhood I will be one of the largest women in the camp and that makes me feel exposed.

Got to spend the day getting myself prepared, mentally, and then hope I don't collapse physically.

Wish me luck!

Eff you Oreo Double-stuff cookies!

So, my Son brought home a box of Oreo double-stuff cookies that he got while with his father this weekend.  However, it was hidden in his bag.

He brought them down to Hubs last night while I was at CPR training.  Well, now there they are, in the kitchen.

Son, who is pretty good with sharing, asked if I wanted some and I said, "No."

That being said -- I want those effing cookies out of my house!

ARRGH!

good morning - Day 96

I am happy that the scale is moving again (as well as other things).

Weight:  244.0 lbs

I had an OK sleep last night with Baby Girl only getting up 2x. Although I was having strange dreams, one of which featured a former friend of mine.

I am listening to Son complain about a book he got from the school library because it's a Return of the Jedi book, "...and there are no blue lightsabers in Return of the Jedi, there's only green and red but there's a blue one on the cover."

Baby Girl is nursing while I type.

Hubs is in the shower.

It's overcast outside and my head hurts.

Quick post before CPR training

I had two different people compliment me on my weight loss while I was outside after walking Son home from school today!

I love hearing that :)

Walked to vote

So it's 1 km (according to Google maps) from our residence to where we needed to vote.  That took us 10 minutes to walk, pushing Baby Girl in the stroller each way so I got 20 minutes of walking in and I had a voice in the election which means I can bitch about how things turn out if I don't like them.

I firmly believe that if you do not choose to exercise your right to vote - then you forfeit your right to complain about what the government/elected officials choose to do.

Two of the other issues we had to vote on today was re: whether or not our city should keep fluoridating our water (I voted "NO") and on whether or not our city and our adjoining city should talk about possible amalgamation (I voted "NO").

Tonight I am attending part 1 of 2 of a CPR training session.  I am feeling anxious about participating but I will overcome my anxiety and do it!

It's actually quite a busy week for me.

Monday and Tuesday night - CPR training.  Wednesday morning - meeting at Son's school. Wednesday night - boot camp. Thursday night - meeting. And Friday night Hubs is off to his parents' place while I stay home with Baby Girl and Son, since he is spending the day with Step-daughter on Saturday.

The issue is because Sunday is Halloween.  Baby Girl's first Halloween.  If we had Step-Daughter here this weekend, our concern is on returning her home (2.5 hrs drive from here with minimal traffic, usually 3 hrs) and then getting back here for Son and Baby Girl.

Whereas Step-Daughter's mother is concerned merely with what time we would have Step-Daughter back because Step-Daughter has a half-brother at her mom's house who will be having his first Halloween this year (he is 3 weeks younger than our Baby Girl).

So it ended up, after some other BS, that Hubs would just go to see Step-Daughter this weekend instead of her coming here.

That means that those of us staying home don't get to see Step-Daughter, MIL and FIL, and Nanny which is a bummer, but it is what it is.

Balancing breast-feeding with healthy weight loss

OK, I know you aren't supposed to "diet" when you are breast-feeding and that you are supposed to eat approximately 500 more healthy calories per day.

That being said, when I was pregnant, I was told because I was obese that I didn't need to gain weight during my pregnancy and that, so long as I wasn't dieting, some weight loss would be acceptable.

Of course I did gain during my pregnancy (though not nearly to the amount I gained when pregnant with Son).

So now I am not dieting... but I am working on making healthier food choices, only eating when I am hungry and not eating when I am bored, stressed or angry and I am increasing my activity levels.

My family DR told me as long as I don't go under 1200 calories per day, it's OK.

Fatsecret says I should be consuming 2300 per day for "moderate" weight loss (1 lb per wk) but I think that estimate might be high.

Looking at my food diary my daily average intake is 1553 cals so far for October.  But I've had a number of high days and one day where I ate more than my RDI.

With some of the stuff that went on this month personally, it was a bit hard but I am committed and it's going to get better!

Hmmn, for August my average daily intake was 1790 calories.  And for September it was 1878 calories per day.

Maybe I'm not eating enough?

I have started taking MilkMaid Tea because I think I've been producing less breast-milk lately.

I should email my naturopath and ask for some guidance since I didn't think to ask about this yesterday.

I really need to write a list whenever I consult ANY professional because I always think of things I should have asked after the fact.

Added an image to the top of the blog - and it got me to thinking...

So I decided to add an image of me doing arm curls with my late, great, Fat Cat*. He passed away in Jan 2004 but is still the most awesome cat I ever owned.

I was about 200 lbs in the photo (not that you can really tell) but Fat Cat* was large.  At his highest weight he was almost 40 lbs.

Yet he had the same food as his sister (born from the same litter) and the same environment and she was quite a bit smaller than he was.


*BTW Fat Cat is not his real name, though it was one of his many nicknames.

Fat Cat* in 2002

Myself, Son and Fat Cat* Dec 2002

The funny thing is that Fat Cat was the runt of the litter.  And soft-hearted me got talked into taking two of the kittens instead of just the one.

Funny that he started off as a runt (just like I did) and ended up ginormous (see the parallels here?)

And his sister is smaller than he is (though they are the same age).

Whereas my younger sister is quite a bit smaller than I am but she's actually 8 years younger than I am.

The first time I met my biological family - Nov 1990

My Grandma, me, my birth Mom, my Grandpa and my half-sister.

My sister, our Mom and myself - Dec 1999

As you can see, my birth Mom has also had some issues with her weight.  Though she has gone up and down over the years.  

My sister has stayed slim and our Grandma has remained large.




I have my Grandma's body type, most weight gained on the bottom, while my upper body is closer to normal. 

 And I snapped this one of my sister and Baby Girl earlier this month.

See, she stayed slim (though she might get that from her father's side of the family.)

The "active couch potato"

I just read this... http://www.burnthefatblog.com/archives/2010/10/are_you_an_active_couch_potato.php any thoughts from anyone else who read it?

Getting my 30 minutes in earlier rather than later

I am not good with exercising in the morning - especially with the lack of sleep happening in our home with Baby Girl lately.

I usually prefer to get in my exercise on the elliptical in the evening but I like to be alone and it's challenging to get Hubs to go upstairs with Baby Girl once Son is in bed because Hubs wants to look at sports-related things on the internet.

And I understand him wanting to do that - I spend a lot of time on weight-loss blogs and on fatsecret.com and all of that while he's down here during the day doing whatever.

But I really need to devote time to my journey and I don't think he always understands how it all relates or how doing something for the betterment of my health and my life is different than him wanting to read baseball blogs.

Maybe it's not different and he's right and I'm wrong...

Thoughts?

I just can't take my measurements properly

But my naturopath measured my waist today for her files.

43 inches.  Down from when I measured it.  I thought my waist was still 47 inches and I couldn't figure out why I was losing weight and not inches.

I'm just not good with self-measurement.

Speaking of measurements - tried some bras on at Pennington's today.  40 DDD and the cups were a little snug.  I didn't end up buying anything but it seems like whenever I am done with breast-feeding Baby Girl -- I should go get a proper bra fitting.

I need to pick up some Bach Rescue Remedy. 
4 drops as needed (up to 4 every 15 minutes for one hour)

And I need some Nutra Sea lemon-flavoured fish oil and take 1 tsp 2x per day with food.

As well, if I feel myself coming down with a cold, it was recommended that I could up my Vitamin D to 10000 IU 2x per day for 3 - 4 days.

*Please note - this stuff I am writing down so I don't forget it -- but do not medicate yourself in any manner without checking with a professional as everyone is different.

Realized I forgot to ask about protein/protein powder and how that works with nursing.

OK, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO headachey - I am off to bed!

Goal update (still day 93)

Goal 1: lose 10 lbs by Aug 23, 2010 - CHECK
5% of my July 23rd weight lost = 264.1 lbs CHECK 
Goal 2: get to 265 lbs - CHECK
Goal 3: get to 258 lbs by Sept 11, 2010 <-- CHECK as of Sept 18th
Goal 4: total weight loss at least 23 lbs by Sept 23, 2010 - CHECK
** 10% of my July 23rd weight lost = 250.2 lbs - CHECK 
Goal 5: get to 249 lbs by Oct 11, 2010 CHECK (248.0 actually)
Goal 6: total weight loss at least 33 lbs by Oct 23, 2010  CHECK (exactly 33 lbs lost since July 23rd)
Goal 7: get to 239 lbs by Nov 11, 2010
** 15% of my July 23rd weight lost  = 236.3 lbs
Goal 8: total weight loss at least 43 lbs by Nov 23, 2010
Goal 9: get to 229 lbs by Dec 11, 2010
Goal 10: total weight loss at least 53 lbs by Dec 24, 2010
** 20% of my July 23rd weight lost  = 222.4 lbs

I will set more goals after I have achieved these ones.  I keep playing with setting some goal as of Jan 1st, 2011 because it seems like a cool idea but I may be pushing myself as it is and I've been warned re: boot camp that I might gain weight or stay the same because I'll be building muscle and retaining more water (but I'm kind of confused about all that).

And remember:  Dec 24th will be 22 wks from when I decided I was fat as hell and not going to take it anymore.
Losing 2 lbs a wk would have me at a 44 lb loss by Dec 24th so I may be aiming a bit high.
I need to lose an average of 2.4 per wk to get to a 53 lbs total loss by Dec 24th and that means I still need to survive Halloween (plus a belated Canadian Thanksgiving that has not been re-scheduled yet) and continue to lose.

My total weight loss will be acceptable if it is between 22 to 66 lbs by Dec 24th which equals out to losing anywhere from 1 to 3 lbs per week. (although I don't think I've ever lost 3 lbs in one week).

And my promise to myself is this:

Whether I hit these goals in the time line I've listed or if it takes a little bit longer, I will celebrate the fact that every lb I lose - the healthier and happier I will be getting.

Finally weighed myself - Day 93

I'm getting to the point of trying a laxative if nothing "gets moving" by today.

weight: 245.0

A lowly 0.4 loss in a week but still better than a gain.

Have decided to start counting the days I've been working on my health - I've seen that a number of bloggers do it and it might be a good idea for me as well.

So that averages out to a 0.35 loss per day or a 2.45 lb loss per wk (7 days)

Going to TO today for my naturopath appointment.  One of my BFFs and I have our appointments on the same day so that we can travel there together.

Last time with our appt length and travel and traffic, my boobs were KILLING me by the time we got back and Baby Girl was a veritable terror for her her Daddy, my poor Hubs.

So this time, Baby Girl is coming with us so I can breast feed her as needed.

No idea what Hubs will get up to today but I'd be pleasantly surprised to see the house significantly cleaner and tidier by the time I get home, though I will not be holding my breath.

Avocado Chocolate Pudding

Don't think I mentioned this but we've made some before and are going to do so again.

Last time we had one avocado so it made for a small but tasty portion for all of us not still in diapers (since it has honey in it - there's no way we'd give it to Baby Girl, plus she's only starting on whole foods - avocado only so far.  Sweet potato is up next.

But the pudding was good (despite being room temperature - I should have chilled it).

My naturopath had mentioned it to me, so I googled it when I got home later that day and there are a number of different ways to make it.

Her version is the simplest:

1 avocado (ripe)
1 tbsp honey (only for babies over 1 year - use maple syrup for younger children)
1 tsp cocoa powder (or to taste)

Mix and serve.

Here are a few of the versions I've found online:

Version 1:

1 avocado, diced

¼ c raw agave nectar, or more to taste

¼ c cocoa powder

¼ c water

2 t vanilla extract

¼ t sea salt

Version 2
* 1 or 2 ripe, soft avocados (3/4 to 1 avocado per person)
* A few spoonfuls of raw cacao powder
* A few spoonfuls of natural sweetener (honey, agave nectar, or maple syrup)
*A dash of salt and a squeeze of lemon or lime juice
*A dash of cinnamon, to taste

Version 3
2 medium avocados
1/3 cup maple syrup, honey or agave (or to taste)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/3 cup cacao powder
1/3 cup water or coconut water

My arm hurts - aka my owwie appointment at the DR

Today I went to my family DR to get his OK for signing up for a weight loss boot-camp.

It's a 6 week boot camp with 2 "camps" per week.

Though I am already scheduled for things on the first Mon and the 2nd Wednesday so I'll only be attending 10 of the 12 sessions but I still really hope that I'll be able to make some advances in my health and ability levels.

Also, my DR took 3 vials of blood to test my blood sugar, my thyroid and my iron levels since my naturopath was asking me at my prior appointment what my results on my last thyroid test were. When I asked my DR, he said since it was over a year ago he'd just have my blood drawn today and get me re-tested.

Then I got him to use some liquid nitrogen on something that I've hated for awhile... a skin tag.

I was too much of a chicken (and a tightwad) to buy the skin tag remover kit for over $30 before tax at Shoppers Drug Mart, plus I only have ONE skin tag (on my left arm).

So he treated it and it's supposed to get worse looking and then hopefully scab up and eventually be gone. Though I was warned that it might require one more treatment.

Still, if it's gone in one - it only cost me $15.

He was pleased that I've lost weight and that I am under my pre-pregnancy weight and he asked if I am getting support at home re: better eating.

I think it was the most congenial he's ever been with me in my over 8 years as a patient.

Had a horrible night's sleep

Baby Girl hasn't been sleeping well for the past week or so and therefore, neither have Hubs or myself.

I read something yesterday about a good night's sleep aiding in weight loss.

Guess I'm SOL then.

*sigh*

;)

confession

I haven't weighed myself because I am constipated.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I'd like to have a day or two of normal bowel movements before I weigh myself.

I feel completely ridiculous, but there you go.

Hubs is tired of hearing me complain about not going. But I won't use a laxative or anything.

I'm going to have to buy some apple juice (I had apple sauce and apple juice - though I consumed a lot of it while pregnant with Baby Girl).

another blog hop

OK I like blog hops because it's a good way to search out other bloggers.

Sports bra shopping aka a walk through Hell

Let me get this out of the way first.

I hate clothes shopping.  I always have.

When I was a kid, I hated it because we didn't have much money and I would be teased because my clothes came from Bargain Harold's or BiWay or Kmart.  And usually I had no say in what I wore.  My parents had ideas about what I should wear and that was what I wore until I had money to spend on my own choices.

I got my first retail job when I was 15 years old (turning 16 that year) and it was at Kmart, in the footwear department.  With every paycheque, I would go to Reitman's and buy myself an article of clothing or even a whole outfit.

Back in the late 80s I had this cream coloured outfit with gold coloured buttons that I just LOVED.  I thought I was so sophisticated when I wore it.  But even then, I had a hell of a time shopping.

My shoulders have always been narrow (so the shoulder-pad craze actually worked for me- LOL!), once I had a chest, it was always OUT THERE and I've always had quite the shelf, so to speak, when it came to my behind.

I've always had issues getting things to get over my butt and then gaping at the waist.  and, despite the sage advice of Stacy & Clinton from TLC's "What Not To Wear" - I've never been to a tailor.

But since the only shopping I truly enjoy involves books or DVDs (or buying things for people other than myself) shopping for bras is one of the things I hate the most.

#1 - I don't want to spend more than $30 on a bra if I can help it.
#2 - I currently wear a 40DD (though if I was professionally measured - I'm not sure what size I would actually be).
#3 - I always worry that I am going to rip something when I try things on.

Anyway, I went to Walmart and they didn't have ANY sports bras in DD.  And, in fact, I only found ONE sports bra that was a 40 band size (and it's one of those uniboob ones that don't really have "cups."

I had a salesperson assisting me and I decided to see if I could possibly squeeze into a D.

Cue to me in a change room looking COMPLETELY ridiculous.

I did end up buying 2 of the band-sized bras (one a 40 and one a 38 that fit) and I've read that when you are larger, it's beneficial to wear 2 at the same time for more support.

I think I need at least 5 because even with 2 on, the amount of bounce and movement is nuts.  It makes me think of that scene in "The Long Kiss Goodnight" where the jogger goes by.

(I found it on youtube. Go to 5:39 and it's just a couple of seconds).



Anyway - I find it bizarre that it's so challenging to find sports bras and workout clothes in general when I am a larger size - after all, what are we supposed to be wearing when we work out to lose the weight?

I'm tired and the day just started

Getting ready to go to the Market.

Natural food, no pesticides, no growth hormones.

BTW, today is day 91 of making healthier choices.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder part 3

Part 1
Part 2

So we left off the year that I got together with Hubs.

I had a lot of baggage building up. And the thankfully short but abusive relationship I was in before I met Hubs had re-awakened a lot of the things I'd been avoiding.

You see, I was raised with the mantra, "We don't talk about our feelings."

I'm not kidding.

Even back when my Dad died, my Mom cried one night and then never wanted to talk about it again.

She told me that when things were making me unhappy I shouldn't think about them. That you just imagine that you are putting them in the back of the closet and never think about them again.

So that's what I did with SO MUCH STUFF for as far back as I can remember.

Childhood abuse (physical, mental, sexual) instigated by a bully that went on from the time I was in kindergarten until Grade 6.

Stuff it in the closet.

Being date-raped by more than one person, having physically and emotionally abusive boyfriends, suffering from low self-esteem...

Stuff it in the closet.

But the closet got full so then I started eating for comfort and eating my feelings and that pattern is so deeply ingrained in me that it's surprisingly easy to fall back into.

So even though I was happy with Hubs overall, even though we were having some tough times financially and such, that last relationship before Hubs was having an impact.

My panic and anxiety issues started getting worse again and I was piling on the weight (you can see in this photo, I'd gone up to 237 lbs.

237 lbs

I was also having a really hard time dealing with the fact that I wasn't going to have anymore children. I had always imagined myself having 3 children - even back when I was in high school.

I'd wanted a girl, a boy and then one more child.

Of course, having had Son and being told that was it for me I had been resigned myself to only having one child.

But when Hubs and I got together and since he had Step-daughter -- I now had my girl, followed in age by my boy and I spent a lot of my time in therapy in 2008 talking about the fact that I really wished that Hubs and I could have a baby.

This was also compounded by the fact that I had to have a LEEP due to CIN II cells and my OBGYN said that I could have another child, although he recommended I get under 200 lbs, and that I'd have to have a scheduled c-section and be closely monitored if I chose to do it.

Hubs did not want to have a baby. He felt that we were too old.

265 lbs

So I ate more of my feelings and was up into the 260s by Dec 2008.

Hubs was working and had benefits so I started seeing someone re: weight loss.

I'd only gotten down to 257 lbs when Hubs was out of work again in early 2009.

No more benefits and I tend to take on the feelings of my environment.  Hubs was down and depressed and so was I.

Then, in June something surprising happened.  I found out I was pregnant.

It wasn't planned.  It was a shock and a surprise.  I was thrilled!  Hubs was wrapping his head around it all when less than a week later, on June 10th, I was at work and I started cramping.

I left work in tears, with a DR appt scheduled and fear in my heart.

I lost the baby.

I was about 5 weeks along but I was crushed.  Hubs was upset too, as he had really just started moving from surprise to excitement when it happened.

I blamed my weight.

I thought that I was being punished by the universe.

I held one small hope that, because of my age, that maybe I might have been pregnant with twins and only lost one - but an ultrasound confirmed that I was 100% no longer pregnant.

The DR told us that, should we decide to try, that I should wait until I had 3 "normal" menstrual cycles before doing so.

Truly, I had never felt so broken in my entire life.  Through all the shit I've survived - this was the worst.  I felt like my body was my enemy more than I ever had before.

Hubs and I did the deed ONCE a couple of weeks after the miscarriage, using a condom, just so I could try to find some joy in myself again.

My period never came back.  Though I was still tired, and feeling sick.  My DR told me it could take some time for my hormones (and myself) to get back to normal.

I wondered whether it was possible for a miscarriage to start off menopause or perimenopause.

On Sept 27th, I had a craving for a McDonald's caramel sundae.  Something I hadn't eaten since back when I was pregnant with Son.

When I woke up the next morning, I had one unused pregnancy test from when I had the miscarriage and it turned out to be positive.

I went in for an ultrasound a couple of days later and it turned out that I was 13 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

Oct 2009 - at a friend's wedding reception

Of course I was still really heavy.

And I got heavier as my pregnancy progressed.

This pic is one taken a few weeks before I had Baby Girl.

285 lbs

I was 285 lbs and almost 36 weeks pregnant.

My last recorded weight was 296 lbs and that was 15 days before I had Baby Girl.

I think I probably hit the low 300s - but I don't actually know.

I didn't lose a lot of weight when I had Baby Girl though...

I am smiling because I'd been really afraid that I was going to die or that something was going to happen to Baby Girl (though until she was taken out, we didn't know if we were going to be adding a boy or a girl to our family).

Also, the drugs might have helped.

But I felt really disconnected a lot of the time from when they first started trying to get my spinal done correctly until a few MONTHS after Baby Girl was at home with us.

I can't say that it was postpartum depression but it was certainly an ODD feeling.  And it was on-going.

When I was first home, I had only gone down to 286 lbs and I didn't really try to lose weight because I was feeling so disconnected from even myself.

I ate sporadically.  Some days I barely ate and some days I gorged.

Aug 1, 2010 - 276.4 lbs

On July 23, 2010 - I had a bit of a mental breakdown and started this blog because I was done with it.

Done with being large.

Done with being unhappy.

Done with being unhealthy.

I was finally ready to make a real change, a real difference in my life.

For myself, for my kids, for Hubs.



But the big push was the fact that I haven't felt like my true self in a very long time.


Sometimes I wonder if I ever did feel RIGHT in my body.

After all, if I look back at these 3 posts, I can see these pictures and from where I am now - I view myself different than I did when they were taken.

Even differently from when I looked at them before.

Fact - I don't see much of a difference (except in my face) when I am over 200 lbs.  Whether it's 206 or 285.  When I am not pregnant, the more I go over 200 lbs, I become more pear-shaped rather than having an hour-glass shape.

Fact - In hindsight, I can see that I was always "cute" and I was not hideous or monstrous at any age, weight or shape.

Fact - Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and now, I can honestly say, I can see beauty in myself in all of the photos.

Not manufactured, not skin deep, not fleeting or false.

Just real.

249.6 lbs - October 9, 2010 - myself & Baby Girl

But this isn't about beauty.  This is about getting healthier in more than just a physical way.

This is about feeling as connected within and to my own body as I feel connected with my parental bond to the kids.

So I can be here for them as long as I can.

Thanks for reading all this.

sore and achey

Headache all day and then I had two cavities filled at the dentist this morning.

I'm sore, I'm cranky and I'll have to update with part 3 maybe tomorrow.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder part 2

So, the last pic in the previous post was taken in 1995.

That was 2 years after my Dad died and I had started drinking excessively from that point in 1993 until a brush with alcohol poisoning in 1998 (if I am recalling the year correctly). Although I had been drinking on a regular basis since I was 15 or 16 but not as much as I was after Dad died.

I spent a large chunk of time dancing at goth/alternative bars and clubs, drinking like crazy and eating and sleeping like crap along with some other unhealthy behaviour.



This one is when I was 140 lbs in 1996. I was gaining about 5 lbs per year at that point but it seemed to be showing up in my chest and my ass so it didn't really concern me because my bf at the time thought I could be chestier (I think I was a C cup then).

Of course that bf and I didn't have a healthy relationship and it didn't last (thankfully).













This one was taken in 1999 and I was 160 lbs (I'm the one in the red dress).


When I am on the elliptical now, I imagine my legs becoming more like they were in this picture.

If we had a TARDIS (aka time machine for you non-Doctor Who fans) and went back to then, I'd have told you that I was fat and overweight because my DR thought I should be 130 lbs at my height.

Plus the majority of my female friends weighed less than I did and wore smaller clothing sizes.

Now we'll jump ahead to early 2000. My DR had decided that I had been on the pill for too long and had suggested that I switch to Depo-Provera

Though I didn't see it mentioned there if you google "Depo-Provera weight gain" you'll see a lot fo people talking about it.

As a migraine headache sufferer - I should have never been told to try it.

I put on 40 lbs in 2-3 months and had heavy bleeding and period issues for just over a year after the ONE SINGLE SHOT I took.

So, when I married Son's father in 2001 - I was 200 lbs.

6 months later, just after I'd gotten fed up with my position as a retail store manager and had a resurgence of some of my panic and anxiety issues and about a week before Son's father was fired from his job -- I found out I was pregnant.

It was not a pleasant pregnancy. I was very, very sick. All-day sickness for tons of time. And yet, I was so hungry with an especial craving for McDonald's caramel sundaes and Pizza Hut twisted crust pizza.

I was also on the edges of a bad case of toxemia so my OBGYN kept putting me on bed rest and I gained more and more weight.

My marriage was rapidly going down the shitter and everything just sucked.

I had Son via emergency c-section in 2002. He didn't drop and I had some sort of uterine tear that caused hemorrhaging.

It was one of the most traumatic moments of my life. I was told right before I was prepped for the section (after hours and hours of labour plus being fully dilated) "You know this is your last pregnancy, right?"



I dropped 16 lbs right after having Son but when I went in to have him, I had gained 72 lbs from the 200 I was at when I had gotten married.

It took time, especially with all my emotional eating, but I did get my weight lower again. But never under 200 (except for when I had a nasty case of Norwalk virus in early 2004).



I believe I was around 220 lbs in this picture.










However, that year it turned out that my mother's breast cancer returned and metastisized to the bone.

I bleached my hair because I didn't want to have hair I liked when my Mom died.

She died in Nov 2004.

I started putting on weight again. Every time I felt like my life was bad, or I was unhappy, or lonely - I filled the void with food.

My son was diagnosed with ASD that December.

I was 242 lbs that Christmas. (The pic looks funny because I had to try to erase the people around me).


















I decided to leave Son's father in Jan 2005.

By December of that year, I got back down to 225 lbs.



And I was keen on getting even lower. I didn't really change my diet much but I was being a lot more active.













In June of 2006 I hit 206 lbs (the pic is at a weird angle because Son snapped it of me).



I was still not having luck with dating and at the end of 2006, I had been dating a complete nutjob who was abusive to me.

I managed to get out of the relationship in early January of 2007 but I was already putting on weight again.



I had changed my online dating profile on Plenty Of Fish to say that I was on an extended dating hiatus, but I didn't count on Hubs.

We started chatting on the site after we'd seen each other posting in the forums.

I'd gotten back up to 218 lbs when we met, but I just kept gaining.

As 2007 progressed, I got more and more depressed. Hubs was depressed. He was having a hard time keeping a job and I really needed to get back into therapy for a lot of my past baggage.

TO BE CONTINUED in Part 3

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder part 1

OK so I still haven't found the blog that got me thinking about writing this very post. *Edited to add that it was the lovely Lyn and here's her post: http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2010/10/thin-or-fat.html

Previously I had mentioned what it was like at different weights and how I viewed myself.

When I was younger and had a figure and weight I'd now LOVE to have -- I thought I was huge, gigantic, even a behemoth.

After having Son, I could look back at my past self and want to do some serious kicking of my (then) tiny ass.

And it's true that the last time I lost a good chunk of weight, I really didn't see a big difference.

So here's my version of THIS WAS YOUR WEIGHT.

Let me start all this by saying I started out in this life (in 1972) as an under 4 lbs premature baby with a heart problem. And I had surgery when I was an infant to correct the issue.









I was a short, scrawny looking, physically weak kid.



This is me around the age of 10.
















This is me getting ready for my Grade 8 graduation. I was 4 ft 11 and definitely under 100 lbs (in Grade 7 I was 74 lbs but there is no weight written on my Grade 8 School Days Trasures photo album page).


I didn't grow breasts until the summer before I started grade 9 so I ended grade 8 looking like I did in the above pic.

That summer I grew from 4 ft 11 to 5 ft 3 and when I started grade 9 - according to my School Days photo album - I weighed 100 lbs even.

But I had a large chest for my frame and an hour-glass shape and I still got picked on for a variety of things.

My name, my glasses, my teeth, my grades, my breasts (usually guys who threatened to "check" if I was stuffing my bra or not -- and I sure wasn't) and my weight.

A lot of the girls were taller than me so their curves looked more "normal" to me or many of them still had a leaner, less busty, less junk-in-the-trunk look so I felt fat because of the way the girls teased me but I would wear bare midriff tops or tube skirts and such because even if the guys were assholes, they at least didn't accuse me of being fat.

Age 16



















I escaped high school having lost my virginity to an older boy who treated me badly but I moved on to college.


Age 18.





















I'm now going to jump ahead a bit. in 1995, I went to a costume party - even though I was very self-conscious about my costume because I thought I had a massive pot belly.

Here's a pic of me in the costume. I was 23 years old, 5 ft 5 and 1/4" tall and I was 135 lbs:



















To be continued in another post.

Part 2
Part 3

Now I can't find the blog post someone wrote that got me thinking

I've been reading a lot of blogs, some that I am following and some that I have bookmarked but am not committed enough to follow.

But there was an excellent post someone wrote about their differing views on being 180 lbs depending on which side of it they were at at the time.

Going to take another peek through for it.

*Edited to add that it was the lovely Lyn and here's her post: http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2010/10/thin-or-fat.html

Last night

I slept like complete shit.

Baby Girl was up every couple of hours. Hubs was horny and having a hard time sleeping because I was too tired for any "adult fun". And I was having completely whacked out dreams.

You'd have thought I'd been consuming illegal substances or was really, really drunk or SOMETHING had you been able to join me in my dreamscape last night.

I'm sitting here, listening to the coffeemaker in the kitchen and Baby Girl babbling happily to herself while the silly orange cat is attacking a purple crayon and Hubs is out walking the hairy beast.

Son is quietly playing with Lego.

And I need to eat something (or drink a smoothie).

But instead, here I am - reading and blogging.

I think Hubs is afraid this is an obsession for me or something. I mean I use a food scale, I write down what I eat if I am not near a com to add it to my food diary on http://www.fatsecret.com and I am slowly taking off weight while also slowly increasing my activity level.

I worry about having milk issues quite a bit now that Baby Girl has started on some solids and have been debating whether or not I should try the Organic MilkMaid Tea that I have not needed to open yet.

And I've been thinking about http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder a lot. It's something I was talking to my therapist about back in 2009 and I've noticed some other bloggers talking about it as well.

I seriously thought it was only me.

I know, I know - how ridiculous. It's so strange to me that so many other bloggers and dieters and lifestyle changers have similar feelings and experiences.

My life so far has kind of taught me to view myself as an oddity because there have not often been others in my life who could relate.

Well, welcome to the internet.

Call me naive but I really had no idea that this time around, I wouldn't feel as "alone" in my journey.

So - to those who are helping me - even if they don't realize it - Thank you!

I had to comment on one of the blogs I am following

A blogger I started reading tells some hard truths in their blog, but I've been interested in waht I've read thus far.

This morning though, I noticed that they blogged about an unnamed blogger. And as I started reading their post, I realized that I also read the post from the blogger that they were quoting.

So I replied.

Hubs wanted to know what I was typing about so I am putting my reply in this post to show him since the blog I commented on has moderated comments so I don't know when my comment will show up.

*Edited 2x to add: my comment was not posted, though subsequent ones have been, and that person no longer follows this blog but did make a subsequent post featuring my reply. I replied to that too but again, I do not know if it will be posted or not.

I am used to copying things before I send them due to years of issues with coms so here's my comment on the original post (not the follow-up post that featured my comment):

I've read the post and I notice you didn't mention that she's dropped 2 dress sizes. She's also over 5 ft 5.

A lot of the weight loss blogs I read have the bloggers utilizing cheat days or cheat meals.

I don't do it that way myself - I decided with my lifestyle change that I can eat anything I want to but with moderation.

I track my food & calories on fatsecret.com and I am losing because I am making myself accountable but not making things off-limits because I know from experience that I cannot "diet" but I can make a gradual lifestyle change to make me healthier.

But if it's working for the aforementioned blogger (as well as many other bloggers I've encountered) it's a part of their journey.

Slow changes that lead people in the right direction just mean that the journey may take longer or be slightly different than yours (or of some of the previous people who commented on this post).

Edited to add the reply I wrote on the post about my previous reply:

Yes, eating BK wasn't a good choice. But I am being honest in my blog about what I am doing whether it helps or hinders me.

I've gone through a lot of things in my life where I hid things and it hurt me.

As I go through this journey - I expect to hit highs and lows emotionally and have good days and bad days.

I also expect that my views on how to effectively achieve my goals might evolve and change as well.

And in sorting out all these thoughts and feelings, I expect to hit roadblocks, experience confusion and maybe change my mind or mindset about things as I find what works for me.

I'm OK with that.

less phlegm!!

And there was much rejoicing...

Hubs and I took the iddle kiddles out for a walk today. 3 km. It was nice.

Got my first professional a pedicure this a.m. with the girls. It was OK but I was a little surprised that it was a guy working on mine.



Chickened out on trying an eyebrow waxing.

Weight: 245.4

I think I am going to go soak in a warm bath with sweet almond bubble bath.

Yes - I feel tired so this entry is disjointed - also, the kids are demanding attention...

ciao!

still very phlegmy :(

My head feels 2 sizes too large and I hate all the sniffling I am doing.

That being said, we walked Son to school today, then walked to Shoppers Drug mart and then Starbucks and then home.

49 minutes of walking (not counting walking in the store).

Had a non-fat chocolate banana vivanno smoothie with 2 tsp of cinnamon.

No idea what to have for lunch today.

Am thinking of taking it easy for awhile -- sacking out with a book and some vitamin C Halls.

A head full of phlegm and a belly full of gas

OH MY GOD!

I feel horrible today. I am full of phlegm and gassy as hell from the damn Burger King onion rings I had last night.

:(

I skipped with the rope in the living room for the same amount of time as yesterday - 2 minutes, and then spat up a giant ball of phlegm into a tissue.

GROSS!

This is the first time I've felt actually SICK in awhile (not counting headaches, migraines or the times when I've banged some part of myself into something hard and immobile).

Not sure how I am going to get my exercise in today but right now I kind of feel like puking.

another blog hop

Confession: I over-ate today

Yep.

Hubs & I were out tonight and we both were feeling really hungry and we got BK.

I had a plain double cheeseburger (but I threw out 1 half of the bun) and medium onion rings.

And now I am PAYING for it. My guts are KILLING ME!!!

I am gassy and bloated and I feel a little nauseous.

Pay back IS a bitch!

BMI

If I want to have a BMI of 25 I need my weight to be closer to 150 lbs. That's 10 lbs lower than my original goal weight and 25 lbs lower than my current personal goal weight...

Skipping

So, I used to be awesome at skipping when I was a kid. Seriously, it was one of those things that even a pipsqueak like me could do.

I'm not talking Double Dutch or anything like that, but just skipping, with cross-overs and backwards cross-overs and being able to skip pretty fast as I recall.

Well, I've read it's a good thing to use to work out.

But there was no way I'd do it outside. Too much of me moves when I jump.

However; today I thought I'd see if I could skip in the living room without hitting anything and, guess what, I COULD!

That being said, my boobs were certainly not keen in moving around that way (but I was wearing a normal bra not a sports one) and I'm not as good at it as I used to be.

I managed to skip for 2 MINUTES. Yep, minutes.

But, rather than being discouraged, I am going to look at it like this...

I skipped for 2 minutes MORE today than I did yesterday!

Am I losing water weight again?

I was 248.0 on Monday and 247.4 yesterday and now I am 246.0 today.

That's right.

Weight: 246.0 lbs

I'm not going to complain about big losses (well they seem big to me in this span of time) but I wonder if it's water weight again since I wasn't consuming as much last wk and have upped my consumption again since about Sunday.

Though I do find it hard to remember to log my water in my food log when I drink a bottle slowly. Because I can do it in as little as 30 minutes or as long as a couple of hours depending on what I am doing.

Sometimes I wonder...

Well, here's what it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be OK about spending money on clothes. After I hit 200 lbs in 2002, I sort of made a moratorium on buying clothes.

Why?

Because I wasn't going to stay that size.

Eventually, you have to cave and buy some things. And when I was pregnant with Baby Girl, I had to buy some things, but I was OK with things emphasizing my stomach because I wanted people to see that I was pregnant and not "just obese" if you know what I mean.

But I am still wearing some of that stuff now.

I still can't fit into the size 14 stuff I have kicking around from 2006 when I got down to 206 (or was it 208?) lbs but the in-between things I had in size 18s got worn out and tossed as my weight climbed back up but my larger stuff doesn't fit well or look flattering either.

I have, very reluctantly, donated a few of my larger pieces. Reluctantly because I get afraid that if I get rid of those clothes I will need them again because -- it's happened before.

And yet I still have hung onto a lot of my old "club" clothes that I haven't been able to wear in at least a decade even though my goal weight is probably still a little high to squeeze into those items.

Ahh nostalgia. You screw with me periodically.

At the moment, I do not want to buy anything for this size but I am also intimidated by the idea of buying a "goal outfit."

I've watched "The last 10 lbs boot camp" on Slice and these girls, who are far skinnier than I am, are nervous about buying goal outfits and yet, they always fit into them.

However; they go on what I see as restrictive DIETS -- not lifestyle changes meant to last for the long haul.

So, how do I buy a goal outfit?

Frankly, it almost terrifies me.

And yet i have heard that it's great to have that sort of goal.

Can I cheat and just pick something of my own that doesn't fit now (or doesn't fit comfortably/attractively)?

Thoughts?

It's kind of odd

So when I started this blog, I thought I was probably going to be very potty-mouthed and negative because that's how I've been in the past when I've tried to lose weight.

Hence the name "Fat Angry Blog" -- but what I've found so far is that rather than being angry about my weight or angry at the world at large -- I'm not even as angry or mean to myself as I've been in the past.

I really do feel that my attitude is more positive this time around (or at least, positive in comparison to the way I normally think about things since I am a glass half-empty sort of girl) and if I was really angry at anyone, it was probably misdirected anger that I didn't want to throw at myself.

Hubs and I walked Son to school this morning with Baby Girl in the stroller. Then we walked from the school over to Starbucks, Hubs had coffee and I had a non-fat chocolate banana vivanno smoothie with 2 tsp of cinnamon blended in.

Then we walked home.

I find it odd that I can walk Son to and from school on an empty stomach but when I've tried to get on the elliptical on an empty stomach I get dizzy, nauseous and have even thrown up.

I had heard that if you workout before eating, you burn more fat and I still have a lot of fat to burn.

And I know this might sound ridiculous but I am going to google the proper usage of ankle/wrist weights.

I use them on my ankles on the elliptical (which is getting quieter the more I use it) and I had them on my wrists this morning for 20 minutes of the 44 minutes of walking I did but I wasn't sure if I should just be swinging my arms naturally or if that was an actual beneficial position to have my arms in while wearing them.

Surprisingly and happily, I lost a little more weight today (though I did drink more water yesterday than I've been doing lately). So perhaps that helped.

weight: 247.4 lbs

In reading some of the other blogs of people on a weight loss journey I keep coming across information about loose skin.

When I went from 272 lbs down to 206 over a couple of years, I didn't notice anything like that. But then, at 206, I didn't notice much of a change in how I looked in comparison photos either.

I am really scared about that this time around though since now I've had two pregnancies, 2 c-sections and I have noticed that my tummy doesn't appear to be changing, even though I've lost 30 lbs since July 23rd.

And my highest recorded weight of this year was 296 but I think it's likely I topped 300 lbs before I had Baby Girl.

I was talking to Hubs about the idea of a gym membership because I am going to need to do strength training to improve my lean muscle mass and with winter approaching, I know my motivation in all areas of life tend to lessen.

The fact that I am now taking Vitamin D may help this - I can say that I have been feeling a bit more LEVEL lately but we'll see, as right now the weather is good, the air smells like leaves and it's my favourite time of the year.

I was going to write more but I think I just suffered a brain fart. Totally lost my train of thought. I blame the children's programming I have on for Baby Girl right now.

No real exercise today

Just playing with the baby and putting away some laundry.

Started getting a bad headache around 2 p.m. which evolved into a migraine - despite taking some meds.

Trying not to kick myself for this.

I've had some great success so far but I worry when I have a day where I don't do as much.

Fuck my head hurts!

:(

248.0

weight: 248.0 lbs!!!!!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving, Canada and an extra happy day for me!!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

update of my prior goals

Goal 1: lose 10 lbs by Aug 23, 2010 - CHECK
Goal 2: get to 265 lbs - CHECK
Goal 3: get to 258 lbs by Sept 11, 2010 <-- CHECK as of Sept 18th
Goal 4: total weight loss at least 23 lbs by Sept 23, 2010 - CHECK
Goal 5: get to 249 lbs by Oct 11, 2010 CHECK 248.0 actually
Goal 6: total weight loss at least 33 lbs by Oct 23, 2010 (with Thanskgiving this could be tricky)
Goal 7: get to 239 lbs by Nov 11, 2010
Goal 8: total weight loss at least 43 lbs by Nov 23, 2010
Goal 9: get to 229 lbs by Dec 11, 2010
Goal 10: total weight loss at least 53 lbs by Dec 24, 2010

I hope these are realistic.

Dec 24th will be 22 wks from when I decided I was fat as hell and not going to take it anymore.
Losing 2 lbs a wk would have me at a 44 lb loss by Dec 24th so I may be aiming a bit high.
I need to lose an average of 2.4 per wk to get to a 53 lbs total loss by Dec 24th and that means I need to survive Thanksgiving and Halloween and continue to lose.

I will also offer myself this statement: my total weight loss will be acceptable if it is between 22 to 66 lbs by Dec 24th which equals out to losing anywhere from 1 to 3 lbs per week. (And I am at a 30 lb loss since July 23rd as of today!)

And my promise to myself is this:

Whether I hit these goals in the time line I've listed or if it takes a little bit longer, I will celebrate the fact that every lb I lose - the healthier and happier I will be getting.

My weight is stuck

But we did have a couple of bad days this week while we were away from home.

Had a great day yesterday though, out in the sunshine. Took a leisurely walk. Enjoyed being alive.

I am not recording my weight today until after I have a bowel movement in the hopes that even a small weight decrease will appear.

I don't feel down about it because I am under 250 lbs now and am 0.6 above my Oct 11th goal of 249 (Hubs AND my sister say I should count it as hitting my goal since it is still 249 - but I'm waiting to see what the scale says tomorrow).

Having a bit of a naughty breakfast today - but because this is a LIFESTYLE CHANGE and not just a "diet" I need to re-learn how I behave with my relationship with food.

And part of that is understanding that if I deny myself -- I will end up binge eating.

But if I allow myself to have something not as healthy once in awhile - I won't start obsessively craving worse and worse things.

Moderation is really important and I am learning that.

Blog hop

I have lost 10% of what I weighed on July 23rd!!!

weight: 249.6 lbs!

I am very proud of myself! I don't know if I can count this as my Oct 11th goal of weighing 249 -- I think I need to wait until I hit 249.0 although Hubs thinks I should count it right now :)

I am very excited this morning

weight: 250.4 lbs

Only 0.2 lbs to go before I hit 10% of my body weight lost since July 23rd!

I didn't do the elliptical yesterday at all - but I was walking around shopping at Walmart for over an hour (but whenever I go shopping, I decrease the amount of time I am in the store on my fitness tracker on fatsecret.com because I'd rather UNDER-estimate than over. Just like with food, if I'm not certain I tend to OVER-estimate it.

:)

Also, my goal of 249 by Oct 11th seems like it could happen!

another small decrease

weight: 251.4 lbs

I don't know at this rate whether or not I will hit my Oct 11th goal on that day but if I don't, I'm sure I'll hit it not too long afterwards (like I did with my Sept 11th goal - and I hit it on Sept 18th)

Feeling kind of sick today. The baby has a cold and I have the vague sense that a cold is circling me - trying to force it's way through some chink in my armour.

Away damned cold, and leave me be!