weight: 223.4 lbs
I've been having a harder time this week.
Being more active makes me more conscious of my stomach skin apron. I am seriously considering looking into a panniculectomy once I am at a and maintaining a healthy weight since I believe it is covered by OHIP.
But when I went out walking with 1G1D1Y and M. last night (I did 4 k!) I was talking about how I've been feeling and 1G1D1Y suggested that because I am doing this Hate-Loss challenge that maybe I'm having a subconscious struggle with my previously mentioned first set-back/gain in that I am trying hard not to say things like "it sucks" etc...
I'm also having some struggles with Hubs as he's been feeling very amorous and I have not been feeling that way. I've always had some issues with being seen naked during acts of intimacy. Even when I was what, in hindsight, I'd call skinny.
And I'm finding that it's bothering me more lately - so there are a myriad of reasons I am not feeling uber-sexy (I don't feel like dissecting them all at the moment) and frankly, that's kind of odd for me because large or skinny - I've always had a pretty active sex drive once I became sexually active.
I think this week, I will have to own feeling like a hate-loss failure.
Next week will be better, I am sure.
"I'm fat as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" -- this was my original summary of Fat, Angry Blog. Between July 23, 2010 & April 2, 2011 I went from 278 lbs to 204.2 lbs. BUT here I am near the end of July 2012 at 255 lbs... *SIGH* I've got to stick with it this time!
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Technically you did 4.25km
ReplyDeletejust saying :oP
LOL! Thanks hon!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel, I'm a lights off kinda girl and even that has been hard - I am just too body conscious right now. Still trying to find ways past it.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it has been a rough week. I would have to wonder if there is some depression involved in all this. Depression can color the view of everything else in your life. I am at a normal weight now, two years after surgery, but I still have the panniculous and it isn't pretty for me to see myself nude in the mirror. I don't have insurance to cover that kind of surgery but I'm hoping someday to have something done. Until, then though, I am determined not to let it make me miserable or feel ugly. My husband gives me sufficient cause to feel desirable and when I don't feel it myself, I trust that he is honest in his attention to me. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to say "it sucks" about gaining weight back. Saying "I suck" or "I'm a failure" is not ok.
ReplyDeleteI see extra bagginess or lose skin as battle scars. A battle that you are winning! And if your insurance pays for it then that's awesome.
FM is RIGHT on the money here, FAB. You did not fail this week, you just had a rough week. Remember that photo you took of yourself at the hotel (I think it was) and you looked - and I could tell - FELT terrific? Everyone has up and down days, so don't be too hard on yourself. I think it's pretty fantastic that you even blogged about the challenge at all (if I were feeling the way you are and weren't running the darned thing, I'd probably have just ignored it!) LOL
ReplyDeleteAnd they are considered battle scars from a war that you are WINNING. Don't forget that, either ;)
I also think you're okay with "this sucks". If you were slamming yourself then it'd be different. You've had a rough few weeks. You will bounce back and be right on track again.
ReplyDeleteI can totally understand you with the being naked issue. I've went through that before. My hubby is wonderful about letting me know he finds me sexy regardless of my size but sometimes I get self concious. I think the following would help though. Maybe take a week or two off and do things each night to get you back comfortable. Ex. Day 1: just make out and nothing beyond 1st base. Add a lil bit more each night. Make it new again. By the time you get to the naked part, you'll be so revved up that you won't even worry about it :) TMI but hubby and I decided after being active to abstain till we were married for religious reasons. Let me tell ya, our honeymoon was great :D
If it sucks, it sucks. No use denying what you feeling. The question becomes why? And you will figure that out, too.
ReplyDeleteNakedness and intimacy - ah yes, I totally get that. I don't even remember the last time Shawn and I made love with the lights on. *sigh* Sending some hugs your way!
ReplyDeleteI'm not comfortable being naked ... I'm working on it.
ReplyDelete